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Y’all, heads up!  The date has been moved.

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Only in Texas is there such a thing as magic money.

Our handsome and fabulously-coiffed Governor has a little scam going on with magic money.

First, Rick Perry is up close and personal with Grover Norquist, another guy who is not willing to pay his fair share.

Gov. Rick Perry plans to be in the Dallas area on Tuesday to meet with national anti-tax activist Grover Norquist, whose no-new-taxes pledge has been signed by many Texas legislators and Perry himself.  Norquist is coming to Texas to raise money for his group, Americans for Tax Reform.

“Wrap your head around this,” Juanita says, “Grover is against taxes, but he wants you to give him money so he can eat.  In turn, he will use your money to help you not pay taxes.  Hit me upside the head if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t it be easier to just pay your taxes instead of giving Grover your money?  I mean, it doesn’t seem fair that only Grover gets to eat … or drive on nice roads or have police protection or somebody inspecting his food for safety.”

“But, there’s more …” she promises.

David Nance - The Burner

“Come to find out, Rick Perry’s $2 million slush fund of taxpayer money has been completely wasted with zero results from Rick’s friends and donors who got the money,” Juanita reports.

The Innovate Texas Foundation was supposed to be a hub of economic activity, an enterprise that Gov. Rick Perry agreed to underwrite with nearly $2 million in federal tax money, with the possibility of more.

David Nance, a Perry friend and campaign contributor, hoped for big things for his foundation, where he made $125,000 a year while he rebounded from the bankruptcy of his previous company and started a new one.

“From the $2 million, we got salaries, a dead website, and claims of success when none were there.  We might as well have put it in paper bag and set fire to it.  But, that was the least of the taxpayer money Rick Perry gave David Nance to burn.  Laylan Copelin and Kirk Ladendorf of the Austin American Statesman have word pictures of Rick Perry and his buddy David Nance having a bonfire.”

“So,” Juanita concludes, “the only taxes we want in Texas are those that Rick Perry can give his friends who like $1,000 a day hotel rooms.  Kinda makes you wonder what’s going on in those hotel rooms.  I pretty much figure that somebody’s getting screwed.  However, more than likely, it’s us.”

And I haven’t even told y’all about Alan Kirchhoff yet.

Alan Kirchhoff had two bankruptcies in his past and a job repairing cracked windshields in a Colorado parking lot when he moved to Texas for a fresh start.

He found a home in Gov. Rick Perry’s office. Kirchhoff rose rapidly, culminating with his appointment as director of the governor’s prized economic development program, the Texas Emerging Technology Fund. There, he made friends with a powerful member of the fund’s advisory committee, William E. Morrow.

By the time the Texas Rangers began investigating, that relationship and its secret side deals had transformed Kirchhoff, according to the Rangers’ calculations, into a millionaire.

“I have a better plan than Grover to lower taxes,” Juanita says.  “Step 1:  Everybody pay their taxes like normal.  Step 2: Don’t let Rick Perry have any of it.”

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Every now and then, we get some hot damn good news in Texas.

This is it:

East Texas will lose seats in the Texas House, possibly up to half the region’s representation, during what is expected to be a contentious redistricting process in the wake of the latest U.S. Census numbers, political pundits say.

Thank you, Sweet Jesus.  Thank you.

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As most of you know, Juanita is addicted to nut radio.  Not the political kind, but the ghost, Bilderberg conspiracy, UFO, Mayan calendar, fluoride in the water, you better stock up on duct tape kind of nut radio.

The latest is the horror of CFL light bulbs, which apparently are a giant plot brought on by The Illuminati and The New World Order to infiltrate our minds and make us forget our alien masters who are turning us into food for the creatures who live on the dark side of the moon, which kinda explains the whole McDonald’s milkshakes and super sized thing and why Pluto isn’t a planet.  Or something.

Right wing Republicans have been against  the CFL light bulbs from the start and have been stockpiling regular ole light bulbs so that they can have safe light when your brain is rotten from only having to replace light bulbs every five years instead of once a month.  There’s just gotta be something bad about light bulbs that won’t burn out for 5 years.  That just ain’t normal.

Real Bitches Don't Need Rights

Phyllis Schlafly, who generally limits her nut-o-mania to telling other women to sit down and shuddup so she can have all the attention, has taken out after CFL light bulbs, saying that they cause migraines and induce seizures.

In a column included in a Feb. 2 e-mail blast by the Texas Eagle Forum, the founder of the national Eagle Forum said: “CFL bulbs do not work well in colder temperatures, and most cannot handle dimmer switches; broken CFL bulbs allegedly cause migraines and epilepsy attacks.”

“Well, if that doesn’t cause you to use 20 times as much energy to see in the dark, it’s too late for you and you’re ready for your place on the salad plate of Mr. Moon Creature,” Juanita declares.

“And this is why I believe in conspiracies,” Juanita explains.    “If Phyllis Schlafly isn’t being paid off by rich Arab oil sheiks, I’m a monkey’s uncle.   She’s spouting their views about energy use, women, and the place of religion in government.  She’s gotta be making money for that.  That gives me a migraine and a fit.”

“You know,” Juanita laughs, “if we liberals were only half as smart and conniving as the rightwing thinks we are, we might have won some elections last November.  We’re pathetic.  But, at least we ain’t scared of new-fangled light bulbs.  We’ve got that going for us.”

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Last week in the Texas Lege, it was explained that doing a sonogram on a woman prior to having a legal abortion would require inserting a tube in her vagina.  Representative Carol Alvarado explained —

This is the trans-vaginal probe,” said State Rep. Carol Alvarado, holding up the probe used in such sonograms. “Colleagues, this is what we’re talking about. It’s as very intrusive process; this is not the jelly on the belly that many of you are thinking about. This is government intrusion at its best.”

“Okay, so we know Republicans are kinky, but this just beats all,” Juanita says. “Republican men will do anything they can to get into my vagina, even if it requires legislation.”

“My friend Virginia Mary had this to say — (Click the little one to get the big one.)

I’ve tried real hard to think of something funny to say about this, but I just can’t. This is legalized rape to humiliate women and put them in their place.

That’s ALL it is.

UPDATE:  Okay, this is funny.  Clara sent this, and I love it.

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While Texas Republicans were jumping up and down over the Voter ID bill, trying to convince us that Voter ID was the only thing keeping Texas from being paradise, they got some help from their friends in Indiana.

… the chief legal counsel for the Indiana secretary of state said the voter ID law there has worked well over the past five years.

“Despite the intense scrutiny of the law, in five years and eight statewide elections, there has been scant evidence of disenfranchisement or discrimination of voters,” said Jerry Bonnet of the secretary of state’s office. “The sun came up after Indiana’s voter ID law passed, and the law has become routine.”

Well, hell, it even makes the sun rise.  Indiana was held as the reason Texas should have voter ID because, by gawd, it was working like steam engine on the Atchison, Topeka and Santa Fe.

The chief legal counsel for the Indiana Secretary of State even went this far in upholding voter ID in his state.

Despite the criticism of the Texas bill, Jerry Bonnet, chief legal counsel for the Indiana secretary of state’s office, testified that his state’s voter ID law has not hampered turnout or prevented legal voters from casting ballots.

Van de Putte questioned Bonnet about reports that some Indiana nuns were not allowed to vote. One group of women from a convent, most in their 80s, were turned away because they did not have required photo IDs, she said. Bonnet said they refused to present valid IDs and hinted that the situation might have been a publicity stunt.

“So they were devious nuns?” Van de Putte asked.

“Yes,” Bonnet responded.

Hot dog!  That there is some wonderful Voter Id bill.  It even outted devious nuns!  So Texas Republicans jumped on it like a fat lady on a milkshake.

Well, come to find out, maybe there might be a small, tiny, insignificant little problem in Indiana.

Texas Republicans are doing the irony dance today. The Indiana Secretary of State was indicted on seven felony charges.  But, not just for lying and fraud.  No, siree.  He’s damned and determined to make this the Irony Sweepstakes.

He was indicted for felony voter ID fraud.  Three times.

A Hamilton County grand jury indicted White on three counts of voter fraud alleging he lied about his address when he voted in last year’s Republican primary. He also faces charges of perjury and fraud on a financial institution — again, for allegedly lying about his address — as well as theft for continuing to collect his salary as a Fishers Town Council member after moving from his designated district.

Texas Republicans:  They can’t see lightening or hear thunder.

Juanita is quoting Aretha Franklin today.  Ca-ca-chain.  Chain of fools.

“Aw hell,” she concluded, “you can’t be this dumb by accident.  This level of dumb takes planning and committee meetings.”