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When we heard the story last weekend of two men being arrested for drunk driving in Austin while on horseback, we thought it was just another Texas tall tale.  We, of course, do nothing to discourage Texas tall tales, and have even been known to pass along a few right here at the beauty salon.

However, we wondered, who was drunk, the rider or the horse?  And are there laws against drunk horses?  And if so, why didn’t I know about it?  That should be advertised better.

Come to find out, the story is true, and true in the best of Texas fashion:  the accused admits he was drunker than Cooter Brown, riding his horse to bars on Sixth Street to celebrate recovering from a horseback riding accident.

I love yew, Texas.

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Texas Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison just announced that she will not seek reelection.

We are requesting that all Texans stay indoors for the next few days while Republicans stampede toward a Senate race.  Let the stomping begin!

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When I was in the Capitol on the first day of the Lege earlier this week, the joke was that it was probably a good thing that Democrat Bill White didn’t get elected as Governor, because the Republicans would have blamed the $27 billion state deficit on him.

He will also fix stubborn traffic lights

That’s right.  Texas is in worse shape than California.

Texas Guv Rick Perry apparently doesn’t know about the deficit because foremost on his mind is the “emergency” that exists with horrifying  “sanctuary cities.”  That means, according to Rick Perry, that there are actually cities in Texas where the police do not ask everyone breathing free air to prove their citizenship.  Lord have mercy!

“So,” begins Juanita in reaction to this information, “Rick Perry cannot even name one sanctuary city.  Not even one.  But, he’s damn near certain they exist and by gawd, he’s gonna stop it before sunrise.”

…when reporters asked him Wednesday to name sanctuary cities in Texas, Perry chose not to.

He also passed on a chance to explain how the state Department of Public Safety’s policy toward inquiring about immigration status differs from the Houston policy for which he criticized White.

“We’ve got ourselves a $27 billion deficit, and here’s our Governor cavorting around like a fat pony in high oats over something that’s gonna cost more money than picture show popcorn and take police officers off the streets fighting real crime.  Rick Perry is wearing his rodeo parade outfit to a burying,” she concludes.

“You know what’s odd?  They call Jerry Brown, the California Governor, ‘Governor Moonbeam.’  I guess we have ‘Governor Goofy’.”

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“You could have seen this coming a mile off with a heavy fog in the dark with your eyes closed,” Juanita attests.

“Texas Congressvarmint Pistol Pete Sessions earned his name,” she begins to explain to the women who have come for coffee and fashion tips this morning.  “We call him Pistol Pete because he eats bullets for breakfast so he can shoot off his mouth the rest of the day.”

“And, God love him, he’s done a Jim Dandy job of it now,” she grins.

“After missing the swearing-in of congresscritters, something required by the Constitution that Pete pretends to love, Pete presented a good excuse:  he was at a fundraiser.  In the Capitol.  Which is against the law.”

“Way to stinkin go, Captain Stoopid!”

Today, Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW) filed an ethics complaint with the Office of Congressional Ethics (OCE) against Rep. Peter Sessions (R-TX) and Rep. Michael Fitzpatrick (R-PA) for blatant violations of House rules, federal law and the U.S. Constitution. CREW’s complaint follows the revelation that both men skipped the swearing-in ceremony for the 112th Congress in favor of attending a fundraiser for Rep. Fitzpatrick. During this fundraiser, they made an invalid attempt to take their oath by watching it on TV, and then proceeded to participate in official House business. None of this is legal.

“Trying to get Pistol Pete to think before he speaks is like trying to shovel smoke,” she shakes her head and rolls her eyes.

“Now Pete is gonna have to have a fundraiser for legal fees to pay for the fundraiser for campaign funds.  That means a whole mess of corporate money is gonna find it’s way out of your pocket and into Pete’s.”

“Honey, we can start listing dumb as the best cash crop in Texas,” she admits.

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It’s Louie Gohmert.  He’s racking up crazy-mile points faster than we can count them.

“Y’all, seriously, East Texas congressvarmint Louie Gohmert is gonna blow one day and fly around backwards spewing more crazzzy than we can catch with butterfly nets,” Juanita predicts.

First off, this morning Louie had a whole different hunch on reality than the rest of us.

Earlier today, in apparent reference to Pima County Sheriff Clarence Dupnik, Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Texas) said, “I hope the sheriff tones his rhetoric down.”

Yes, Gohmert wants someone else to tone down the rhetoric. This from the guy who, among other things, screamed at Anderson Cooper for several minutes about “terror babies,” and argued on the House floor that Democrats are trying to get senior citizens to “die off more quickly” by passing health care reform.

“Louie’s tongue is running in the Looneyville Barefoot Marathon again,” Juanita suggests.

But that wasn’t enough.  He’s accusing the FBI of “stonewalling” about Jared Loughner, and not telling the truth about Loughner because, “that he’s a liberal, hates the flag, supports Marx, that type of thing, turn out to be true, then it may be embarrassing to some of the current administration’s constituents, and, heaven help us, we wouldn’t want to embarrass any of the president’s constituents.”

“And, he didn’t say that in closet, Honey, he yelled that on the House floor,” Juanita says.

“And proving that he’s not buying into the whole tone-it-the-hell-down idea, Gohmert is introducing a bill to allow members of the United States Congress to carry handguns on the House floor.  Oh hell, let’s just do away with the tote board and let the last one standing make laws.  It’d sure make C-Span more fun.”

“I am sad to report that there are places in Texas where Louie Gohmert is considered sane,” she says.  “I am, however, proud to announce that this beauty salon ain’t one of them.”

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“I want y’all to feel bad for Sarah Palin,” Juanita announced to the crowd at the beauty shop this afternoon.

“Think about the level of stoopidity it takes to use the term ‘blood liable’ when talking about a Jewish congresswoman being shot point blank in the head after Sarah put a target on her,” Juanita stands in amazement.  “Even NASA scientists can’t measure anything that big.”

“And then, shock of all shocks, Pat Buchanan defends Palin.  Hey Jimmie Olson, when you’re looking for someone to explain the meaning of terminology used against Jews, Pat Buchanan might not be the balanced expert you want to talk to.”

“Look, Missy Sarah, there is a woman struggling for her life after being shot point blank in the head after you put a target on her, and you think you’re the victim?  What the hell is wrong with you, woman? I’ve got a dog smarter than that,” Juanita stomps.

“That,” she concludes, “is a very special kind of dumb.”