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You knew it eventually had to come to this, didn’t you?
A rural Wisconsin man blasted his television set with a shotgun after watching Bristol Palin’s “Dancing with the Stars” routine Monday night, saying he was fed up with politics and Palin wasn’t a very good dancer, according to court documents.
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It appears that the steeple people in Brazil have decided that a USB cable is the sign of the devil.
Evangelical Christians in Brazil have apparently banned the use of USB connections after claiming the technology is the mark of Satan-worshippers. Apparently the revelation came after the evangelists noticed that the USB symbol resembles a trident.
“Okay,” Juanita ponders, “if we could get Michelle Bachman to be the carrier of this news in America, all kinds of great things would happen. Mainly, we’d have the internets to ourselves.”
“They already think that books and CNN are tools of Satan, so there won’t have to be a lot of work to get them to abandon the internets. Next step: grocery stores! I’m plenty tired of having to wait in the check-out line. Let’s convince them that grocery stores are evil. Then the beach, the movie theaters, baseball parks ….”
“Wait a minute,” Verdelia hollers. “Texas has an X in it. X is the sign of Satan. They gotta leave!”
Now there’s a plan.
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My friend Thomas swears these are real. Juanita truly neeeeeeds a set of these if you can find some.
Think how classy it would be to have pink flamencos in your front yard.
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“Well, it’s come to this,” Juanita reports. “Republicans are giving us just a hint of how they plan on governing.”
There’s a fight in the Texas House over the Speaker. After years of putting up with Tom Craddick, who played the chainsaw in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, House Democrats joined with Republicans to elect Joe Straus as speaker. Straus is conservative, but he’s semi-sane, which was a nice change.
“The rightwing Talibaptists in the Texas House are up in arms over Joe Straus,” Juanita continues. “They want a crazy person to be speaker. So, they rightwing Christians are mounting a campaign of what they do best – lie.”
… a handful of outside socially conservative groups are running a fairly deceitful but noisy campaign trying to pressure lawmakers who actually like the speaker’s management style to vote against him.
They blame him for the failure of the sonogram bill but the pro-life Texans for Life said the claim is false. They blame him for the failure of voter ID by permitting the Democratic filibuster, but that’s false. Straus followed the direction of his colleagues in the Republican caucus.
“But, all that fibbing by the Steeple People was justified by the House of the Lord because Joe Straus is not a Christian. He’s Jewish,” Juanita reports.
Now, the so-called grassroots effort has crossed over the line with coordinated email and robocall programs calling for a true Christian speaker.
Straus: Notorious UnChristian
“Which means he’s going straight to hell and I suspect they are really afraid he’ll take them with him.”
“So, here they are – passing notes in class that someone has cooties – and shouldn’t be chalkboard monitor because he has …. well, big ole cooties. I know this is exactly what people voted for two weeks ago. I know they’re happy,” she smiles.
“This is gonna be an awful two years. Just awful. But, you gotta admit, it’s gonna is awful fun, too. They are gonna hunt each other down, cook each other, and pass the sacramental wine as they dine on cooked Republican,” she shakes her head and ponders on a law she wants to sponsor that says members of the Texas House have to pass a sanity test.
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This time it’s Congressvarmint Mike Conaway out in Midland / Odessa – where men are men and sheep are scared.
It appears that Ole Republican Mike, who represents one of those districts specifically drawn by Tom DeLay, is carrying on the tradition of holding everybody else to a higher standard of ethics.
“Yeah, yeah, and the forecast for tonight is dark,” Juanita responds to this information.
A Republican lawmaker unveiled a bill that would benefit oil-and-gas companies that pay him royalties.
Rep. Mike Conaway (R-Texas) was the chief financial officer of an oil-and-gas exploration firm before his election to Congress in 2004 and still has an extensive portfolio of investments in the sector.
Though it is difficult to ascertain the exact wealth of members from the financial disclosure forms they must make public, Conaway’s filing in 2009 showed he had between $100,000 and $276,000 in oil-and-gas holdings.
Conaway sponsored legislation in 2009 to retroactively lift income limits for a tax break that would benefit some of the oil-and-gas companies that continue to give him royalties.
Now, to throw a little fat on that fire, Conaway served on the investigative ethics subcommittee that charged Maxine Waters with a conflict of interest over her dealings with her husband’s conflict of interest in minority owned banks.
“But,” Juanita reminds us, “in all honesty, everybody knows that there’s a different set of rules for women and a library of rules for black folks.”
Conaway still contends he did nothing wrong – mainly because the loophole didn’t pass. To justify his involvement in this conflict of interests he commented, “Many of my constituents feed their families with oil-and-gas interests.”
“Yeah, Honey,” Juanita grins, “caviar and filet mignon are getting pricey.”
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Juanita has decided that something is truly weird is happening in East Texas.
“Here’s another story,” she begins. “The Tea Party in Tawakoni, Texas – yes, there is such a place – is all grittin’ and spittin’ claiming that the police chief and a deputy got fired for being members of the Tea Party.”
“They are demanding their rights and hollering for Sarah Palin,” she laughs. “They are appealing their termination and have gone into a fund raising frenzy.”
The termination notices obtained indicate the duo’s involvement in the Tea Party was considered “prohibited political activity” under the city’s employee personnel policies manual. The mayor said the men spoke and advocated against the city council and supported a petition against the mayor as part of their participating in the party.
But wait, there’s more. It appears that the Tea Party is probably the sanest party they attend —-
The termination memos mention other alleged infractions by both law enforcement officers including accusations that Schultz drove city equipment to obtain medical treatment, screamed at another city employee in the City Hall parking lot within earshot of the public, lied to federal agents during an investigation, drank booze at a public park and restaurant, drove while intoxicated, slouched at city council meetings, and didn’t discipline Beckett for holding naked pool parties at Beckett’s house.
Besides holding naked pool parties and joining the Tea Party, Beckett’s termination memo also said he drank alcohol in a public park and restaurant, asked a subordinate to follow him and his wife home after they drank too much, didn’t pay his water bill in time, and didn’t properly maintain investigative files and evidence.
“Nakkid pool parties? Yep, that there is the Tea Party for ya,” Juanita shakes her head. “Honey, if they weren’t drunk and nakkid, they’d be Republicans what with all that hollering and lying and slouching. But, drunk and nakkid is a fundamental God given right for the Tea Party, dammit.”
Here’s their Facebook page just in case you want to hunt for pictures of their parties.