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B. K. “Bev” Carter, owner, publisher and media mogul of the Fort Bend Star newspaper came into the beauty salon this morning because she needed Juanita to get crepe paper stains out of her bleached blonde hair.  Bev is a party girl.  Where there is crepe paper, Cool Whip, or promise of a Happy Hour, you will find Bev.

This week Bev was on a roll about the new Sugar Land baseball team.  They held a contest to name the team and it appears that all the people who live in Sugar Land have had an imagination-ectomy.  You have to remember that this is the city that almost got sued over stealing the slogan:  “Sugar Land: There is No Equal.”  Seriously.  They thought that was awesomely clever.  Awesome enough to steal.

So, they are going to get a semi-pro baseball team.  And they have to name it.  So, they held a contest.  I think first prize is dinner with the mayor.  Second prize is lunch and dinner with the mayor.  Third prize is a day with Councilman Russell Jones, which explains why nobody entered.

It’s obvious that nobody entered because …. well, I’ll let Bev explain ….

Susan, this latest move by Sugar Land is on a par with the sink hole that was the Sugar Fest held in the hottest month of the year and run by the crazy mayor’s wife.

Sugar Land is holding a contest to see which of the three final names will be chosen as the baseball team name. The finalists are:

Sugar Land King Canes: King Canes honors the pride and winning attitude of our region. The King Canes pays tribute to our sugar history and prosperity.

Sugar Land Lizard Kings: As the Texas state reptile, the horned lizard means business! This horned “King of the Lizards” is crafty and cunning. No other professional sports team in America is led by a lizard, although a cousin is a spokes-reptile for a certain insurance company.

Sugar Land Skeeters: The Sugar Land Skeeters celebrates our hometown love of warm Texas nights and the fun of minor league baseball. This playful identity shows America we have an itch for baseball, and was a strong favorite of younger submitters!

Knowing how you love baseball, I imagine you head is exploding right now.

Here is some preliminary comments I made to our councilwoman Jacquie Chaumette when she informed me today:

Are those people from Opening Day Partners smoking something? They claim 8,000 entries and this is the best they can come up with? Maybe they had some signs and tee-shirts left over from an unsuccessful team in the past?

Jacquie, this is tragic! This is probably the three worst names anyone can think of. I predict that this project is dead in the water before it even begins if these ya-loos can’t come of with any better names than this. I am embarrassed by these.

Just off the top of my head, and I didn’t enter this but I’m sure someone did–what is wrong with “The Imperials?”

OMG, this is horrible. I can’t imagine what the business community is going to think of this.

But thank goodness I have a column for next week, and the week after, and the one after that.

Sugar Land's Finest - The former congressman, the former mayor, and their imaginary friend

Juanita is not as upset as Bev.

Juanita knows Sugar Land.  She also knows their voting record.  Juanita is just thrilled they didn’t name it The Nobamas.  Or, Aliens Go Home.  Or, The Jesus Bats.

“Honey, I think they should name them ‘The Tea Partiers” and just be done with it,’ Juanita says.

“Bev, I have spent a lifetime watching Sugar Land flout bad ideas – remember the light poles down the middle of the median on 90A and the Royal Crown Whiskey symbols all over the freeway overpasses?  I really expected nothing less than the worse from Sugar Land.  And, God love ‘um, they delivered.”

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Juanita has asked me to warn all you good people to be on your best behavior tomorrow because Jesus is coming. (The link is work-safe, unless, of course, your boss gets violent over insanity.)

It should be pretty clear that the studies found in the book and this website look to this Feast of Trumpets 2010 (September 9th) as the time of the Rapture of the Church. That is less than a week away. Time is quickly running out.

“There is some discussion of what exact time zone Jesus observes, but I just wanted to give you a heads up so you can order your Proud of Texas / Ashamed of Rick Perry tee shirt to wear when Jesus comes tomorrow,” Juanita kindly offers.

“And I need to warn all those religious right folks to get rid of their pornography because Jesus might not know that it’s for research purposes only.”

“And Jesus doesn’t drink tea.  He drinks wine and I just happen to have a bottle of Llano Sweet Red, which trumps that frankincense stuff all to heck,” she says.

“I tell you what,” she continues, “it’ll be worth the wait just to see the shocked look on Sarah Palin’s and Pat Robertson’s face when Jesus asks, ‘Kids, what the fool tarnation were you thinking?'”

“Anyway, get your tee-shirt, get your hair done, and sweep the floor — we’re fixing to have company.”

“And Fox news?  Well, they’re just hopeless.  I’d put my money in ice and fans if I were them.”

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From our friend Richard in Mexico —

An opposition candidate in next month’s Venezuelan legislative elections is holding a breast implant raffle to fund his campaign, he said in a newspaper interview published Friday. “The raffle is a legal method. We decided on breast implants because we wanted to target a specific public sector,” Gustavo Rojas told El Universal.

“Raffle tickets on sale now: win a breast implant operation for yourself or your partner,” Rojas announces on his website.

The interview does not mention either the cost of a breast implant operation or how much money Rojas expects to get with the raffle.

No, seriously.

As Maxine says —

Now, if you are tempted to comment here, please remember that Momma comes here.  Momma is 84 years old and she’s a Democrat, but she can still chase you down with a bar of soap for your mouth.  I’m just saying …

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… bean dip dumb.

MIAMI — A Christian minister vowed Tuesday to go ahead with plans to burn copies of the Quran to protest the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks despite warnings from the White House and the top U.S. general in Afghanistan that doing so would endanger American troops overseas.

Pastor Terry Jones of the Dove World Outreach Center said he understands the government’s concerns, but plans to go forward with the burning this Saturday, the ninth anniversary of the attacks.

“I want to know what is Christian about this?  I want to know where Jesus said to burn books,” Juanita demands.

Jones, who runs the small, evangelical Christian church with an anti-Islam philosophy, says he has received more than 100 death threats and has started wearing a .40-caliber pistol strapped to his hip.

“This guy is so narrow minded that he can see through a key hole with both eyes,” Juanita suspects.

“I’ll tell you what.  I will believe that God told this ignorant son of a motherless goat to do this when I see a rattlesnake whistling Dixie.  A preacher carrying a handgun for protection – the Good Lord is gonna flail the hail outta you, son.  One day God is gonna get fed up and send a lightening bolt that hits you so hard that you’ll wear out from bouncing.”

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Lisping Republican David Frum has issued his 2010 Contract With America on behalf of the Republican Party.

The number one thing?  Extend the Bush tax cuts.

You know, the Paris Hilton Tax Cut.

They want to cut taxes on the ultra rich.  Isn’t that exactly what got us here in the first place?

Look at it this way:  if Paris Hilton paid more taxes and had less money, she wouldn’t be able to afford all that cocaine and the poor dear wouldn’t be in the mess she’s in.

So let’s repeal the Bush tax cuts and save all those spoiled rich kids who have never worked a day in their lives.  It the least we can do to keep America great.

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Thelma, who is a provisional member of the Belles of Heaven Republican Women’s Club, is all gleeful about the latest polling saying that the GOP is gonna win everything in the 2010 election, including, but not limited to, the entire House of Representatives.

Juanita refuses to believe that voters are that slack-jawed knuckle-dragging crack-smokin’ stoopid.  Sometimes she forgets that the Teabaggers are so brain deficient that they are generally charged half price by a mindreader.

“In eight years those fools broke the country,” she recalls.  “Broke it.  Wiped it out.  Stomped on it.  We didn’t fix their mess in two years so everybody wants to give it back to them?  Hell, what’s left they can break?  Social Security?  Medicare?”

“Yeah, I think that’s the point, Juanita,” Verdelia chirped in.   “They left some destruction undone.”

“Letting Republicans run the country is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.  Nothing gets accomplished and it even gets boring to watch after a while,” Juanita says.“If we lose in November,” Juanita says, “I want to see some resignations of political consultants from the White House down.  We need to find us some ornery cusses who are mean as a bulldog on a gunpowder diet.  I mean it.”