.

Chris Mohney wrote today…..

Continuing the chain of imaginary offensiveness to stereotypes, I plan to open a Babies R Us next to the gay bar next to the mosque next to Ground Zero. Next to the Babies R Us I will open a pornographic bookstore, and next to that I will open a police station. Next to the police station I will open a hip-hop recording studio, and next to that I will open an Applebees. Next to the Applebees I will open a TGI Fridays (those guys HATE each other) and next to the TGI Fridays I will open a methadone clinic. Next to the methadone clinic I will open a crack house, and finally, next to that, I will open a Catholic church adjoining a daycare center for attractive boys, adjacent to which I will just blow up whatever’s there so I can erect a memorial, and next to that memorial I will open a community center dedicated to a locally inconvenient ethnicity that I hired to blow up the original structure on the memorial site. Next to that I’m just going to put up some condos.

That, my friends, is perfect writing.

. .

It’s been fun Republican-watching at the Beauty Salon.  “They flip, they flop, they find every way they can to justify being selfish, stingy, hateful, and mean,” Juanita observes.

Now, there’s a new twist.

The rise of the Tea Party movement raises an interesting question about the place of religious faith in our political debate. For a long time, the Christian right has been in the driver’s seat in advancing conservatism. But the Tea Party is more Ayn Rand than the Bible. As one writer recently put it, the Christian side has taken a backseat to the movement’s libertarian impulses.

“Well,” Verdelia observes, “at least they’ll quit calling me anti-Christian and now simply call me anti-Ayn.”

“Honey,” Juanita says, “most of those folks never read Ayn Rand because they never took sophomore English.  They are just looking for some way to not be their brother’s keeper.  God didn’t work real well with that theory so they’re hitching their truck to a Russian bourgeois Hollywood hustler who had a six foot dollar sign made of flowers at her funeral.  Most people would get nauseous at that kind of turn-around! But, I suspect zombies don’t get nauseous.”

“Which would explain why they can sit through a whole Sarah Palin speech without upchucking,” Verdelia says.

.

“No, no, I take it back,” Juanita hollers with delight.  “Revenge is best served up in Florida restaurant with an Esquire magazine reporter.”

.

.

Juanita told you and told you that we should not let Phyllis Schlafly reproduce, but would you listen?  No, you would not.

But Conservapedia founder and Eagle Forum University instructor Andy Schlafly — Phyllis Schlafly‘s son — has found one more liberal plot: the theory of relativity.

You might enjoy reading the details.  It seems that Andy has bragged about “homeschooling” 185 children.  “I suppose they are not all his own,” Juanita speculates, “but with guys like this, you never know.  It could be that he has a harem of bimbos, all of them striking a startling likening to mom.”

“I knew Albert Einstein’s work was merely a plot to destroy the Bible and America As They Want It To Be,” Juanita said.  “He just made all that stuff up to piss off the religious right.  I love him for that.”

.

Sometimes you have to look stuff up because it’s just too funny to be true.

The owner of an Ohio strip club and some of his dancers have been protesting at a church that has done the same to them for four years. Women in bikinis sat in camp chairs Sunday outside the New Beginnings Ministries church in Warsaw, about 60 miles northeast of Columbus.

Tommy George owns the Foxhole strip club in nearby Newcastle. He says he and his employees decided to start coming to the church because they were fed up.

George says the church’s pastor, Bill Dunfee, and his congregation have bothered the club’s weekend patrons. He says they come armed with bullhorns, signs and video cameras for posting customers’ license plate numbers online.

“I bet attendance at the church was waaaay up,” Juanita says.  “Because it seems that Rev. Bill and his congregation have way too much times on their hands since they appear to be opposed to everything.”

“I must have attended the wrong Vacation Bible School,” Juanita admits, “because I am embarrassed to admit that I did not know that Jesus didn’t believe in evolution.”

“Plus, I didn’t even know that Jesus was all into shame, with bullhorns even.  Somebody alert the Belles of Heaven Republican Womens Club!”

.

Juanita’s own personal congressman, Pete Olson, is about 2 clicks short of being a blithering idiot.  Those are two clicks are that (1) he knows how to shuddup, and (2) he lays low.

“If Pete were to ever start appearing on teevee, he’s a late night comedy joke in the making.  He’s just goofy looking and not terribly bright.  Tom DeLay and Phil Gramm anointed him and that’s the way Tom and Phil like their puppets,” Juanita  explains.

“Pete will probably be sacrificed in redistricting in Texas so he’s spending money as fast as he can while he ain’t footing the bill.  We know from past experience that he needed a bailout for himself.  He’s not great at handling money.”

This week, people in Pete Olson’s district got two – not one, but two – fancy pants mailers from Pete.  Both were full color, 4 page, professional produced mailers.  Click the little one to get the big one.

“And that’s real nice,” Juanita says, “because what with this bad economy, what I’ve been needing is some new reading material.  It’s powerful sweet of Pete to send me not one, but two – count ’em, two – mailers in one week.  I apologize for saying he doens’t know how to handle money when here he is being oh so generous ….

“Oh crapola,” Juanita said. “Pete Olson thinks I’m Rockefeller.”

“Goodness sake, can’t he get some money from those Tea party people?  He has spent my money to get somebody to photoshop that goofy look off his face!  I just know it,” Juanita stomps.

The next time around, Pete might want to send Juanita only one mailer.  Two just hacks her off double.  That’s not something you want to be doing if you can help it.