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“They let Dan Quayle reproduce,” Juanita sadly reports.

“And the result of that is running for congress.  Oh. Dear. God.”

(CNN) – Ben Quayle, the son of former Vice President Dan Quayle who is seeking a House seat in Arizona, is making a splash with a new campaign ad in which he looks straight into the camera and declares, “Barack Obama is the worst president in history.”

“Y’all, this is Dan Quayle’s son talking that trash,” she says in horror!  “This is also the same guy who wrote nasty on a dirty website (I’m not making a judgment here.  That’s the name of the website – dirty.  How many IQ points did that require?) and then lied about doing it until he got caught and ended up looking like he’s too dumb to even spell potato…..”

“…. or maybe a deer in the headlights.”

“Bless his heart, he acted all surprised because this is something he did 4 years ago.  Four whole years, which is like another lifetime when you wake up in a new world every day.”

“Look, surely this kid knows that he ain’t got the genetic make-up to run for Congress.  Surely.”

“Next thing you know, Ron Paul will have a kid who wants to run for Congress ….. what is that you say?  Oh, never mind.”

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If you were gonna make a bet, and I’m talking an important bet here like your pink boots or your genuine leopard canvas chair with your name on the back, about which politicians take the most money from from big oil, you’d be a smart cookie to put two Texans at the top,” Juanita was telling Missy Lynn as she was trying to cover some black roots.

Thanks to our friend Don A., Juanita is gonna win a few bets at Crazy Manny’s Bait Shop, Pool Hall, and Wedding Chapel tonight.  “Lookie right here,” she grins.

“John Cornyn and Smokin’ Joe Barton lead the field by a sweet half a million dollars,” she shakes her curls and tsk, tsks.

“Honey, I’d rather eat red beans with a pitchfork than count on either of those guys to represent Texans over big oil suckin’ this state dry,” Juanita admits.

“And our other Congressvarmint, Senator Kay Baily Hutchison, came in sixth.  So, Texas holds three of the top 6 Hall of Oil Shame places.  No wonder most folks have a broken giveadamner in Texas.  CEOs and politicians are getting rich and the rest of us are getting an empty barrel.”

By the way, this is a handy little tool that Don A Found.  You can look up your own Congresscritter and see if you need to call them and holler.

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‘There’s some folks out there who think it’s strange that Debbie Riddle believes women are coming to the US to give birth to baby terrorists,” Juanita comments to no one in particular. “But, when you’re a member of the State Lege from Tomball, being wacko is almost required.”

Debbie Riddle: Hairspray and Cobwebs

“Tomball is north of Houston and not a pretty sight.  The fundamental churches and adult book stores are trying to keep up with each other.  It seems a losing battle for both,” Juanita admits.”

Debbie Riddle got semi-famous once in Texas Monthly’s Bum Steer Awards for saying —

“Where did this idea come from that everybody deserves free education, free medical care, free whatever? It comes from Moscow, from Russia. It comes straight out of the pit of hell. And it’s cleverly disguised as having a tender heart. It’s not a tender heart. It’s ripping the heart out of this country.”

No, seriously, she said that.  Free education from the pits of hell.  “She must have gone to Catholic school,” Juanita grins.

You can watch Debbie, who is also a warning for bad botox, right here.

“Honey, she’s the best and brightest of Tomball,” Juanita fears.  “Hell, Tomball is so far out in the woods that they think asphalt is a butt disease.”

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Juanita has spent days unable to even talk about how furious she got when Robert Gibbs called her part of the “professional left.”

Professional Twit

“I’ve got my holster tied down and I’ve had more than plenty of his disdain,” she says.  “I’m even considering a tee-shirt business of Professional Left tee-shirts, and then donating the profits to the International Replace Twits Fund.”

“I got all the name calling and marginalizing I needed under the Bush administration.  I am not putting up with this from people I gave money to and volunteered for,” she stomps.

Juanita hauls up and hollers at the teevee every time Gibbs comes on, “Hey Bud, kiss my patootie.  And that comes from a real professional.”

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For Juanita, Gone With the Wind is a hideous display of everything that’s wrong with movies.  “Gone With the Wind is directly responsible for Southern female stereotype.  It wasn’t until Steel Magnolias that we overcame all the evil perpetrated on southern women by that silly Scarlett woman.”

Nobody wears the drapes

So, Juanita was not pleased when she found out that her beloved University of Texas, who does not pay their graduate assistants enough money to live on, wants to raise money for bad fashion.

AUSTIN (AP) – It’s time to find out if fans of ” Gone With the Wind ” frankly give a damn about the fabulous dresses worn by Vivien Leigh in the multiple Oscar-winning Civil War drama.

The Harry Ransom Center at the University of Texas in Austin is trying to raise $30,000 to restore five of Scarlett O’Hara’s now tattered gowns from the 1939 film.

“It’s just two clicks above paying to restore an Elvis macrame belt,” Juanita says.  “Or maybe two clicks below.”