You, too, can have this genuine tee-shirt that says “Proud of Texas / Ashamed of Rick Perry” for a donation of only twenty ($20) dollars American money to Fort Bend Democrats Club. Darlin’, we’ll even mail it right to your house for free and you cannot walk away from a deal like that. You’d be a fool to. We might even take some extra effort to get your size right. Oh hell, we’ll even guarantee that because that’s just the kind of Americans we are!

Click right here to make your donation and then send me an email (susan@brazosriver.com) letting me know where to send this swanky shirt and what size you want. I’ll get it in the mail pretty damn soon.

ONLY SIZES SMALL, MEDIUM, and LARGE ARE LEFT.  Once those are sold, we’ll order more.

.

Juanita thinks she’s going to throw up.  Seriously.

The Justice Department has informed former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-Texas) that the government has ended a six-year investigation of his ties to the disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff, according to DeLay’s lead counsel in the matter, Richard Cullen, chairman of McGuireWoods.

The investigation lasted through two presidents and four attorneys general. Its demise provides a stark footnote to the lobbying scandals that helped Democrats regain the House majority they held for 40 years and lost in the Republican revolution of 1994, which eventually made the pugnacious DeLay one of Washington’s top power brokers.

“I guess the best I can hope for is that he’ll throw out his back while strutting around town.  Or that he’ll accidentlaly bite his tongue while saying, ‘I told you so.'”

“And if there was a newspaper around here worth its salt, they’d go investigate why his village for foster children, once heralded as worthwhile and formerly overseen by the Lutheran Church,  has had only one family for the past year and is overgrown with weeds.  Seven houses have sat empty for at least a year.  Something ain’t right there.  Odds are that they’ll kick out that last family now that Tom is free and clear.”

“And I do take some delight that Tom will have to admit that it was the Obama Justice Department who cleared him,” she smiles.

.

Juanita’s friend Grace isn’t from around here.  But, she’s beginning to develop a little tiny tee-ninecy honkin’ grudge against Texas.  She emailed Juanita a little newspaper story with a sweet note of complaint.  Grace wonders if we can close the borders of Texas to keep the nuts inside.

It seems that one of Texas’ finest left the state to spread the crazy around.

About a dozen right-wing Christians, carrying placards and yelling “Islam is a lie,” angrily confronted worshippers outside a Fairfield Avenue mosque Friday.

“Jesus hates Muslims,” they screamed at worshippers arriving at the Masjid An-Noor mosque to prepare for the holy month of Ramadan. One protester shoved a placard at a group of young children leaving the mosque. “Murderers,” he shouted.

Police arrived on the scene to separate the groups, but said no arrests were made.

Flip Benham, of Dallas, Texas, organizer of the protest, was yelling at the worshipers with a bullhorn.

“This is a war in America and we are taking it to the mosques around the country,” he said.

Flip, of course, took his comb-over and crazy butt tee-shirt with him when he left.

“He’s in Connecticut now,” Juanita observes, “but I’ll bet you he can’t spell it.  Hell, I betcha he’s lost and thinks he’s in Ohio.”

“In all seriousness, Dallas went Democratic in the last election, which is akin to it becoming Sodom and Gomorrah in Flip’s mind.”

“You know, when I meet Sweet Jesus, I’m gonna bet you a bowl of no-calorie Blue Bell ice cream that Sweet Jesus ain’t proud of that tee-shirt or that attitude,” Juanita suspects. “Jesus loves the little children and runs empty on hate.”

“And, Grace, I’m powerful sorry about Flip.  I think all of his nuts, bolts, AND screws are loose.  We’ll try to get him back here.  We’ll leave a message on his phone from his good buddy Rick Perry saying that there’s some homosexual Muslim Mexicans at the border, trying to get in to have babies and vote Democratic.”

. Thanks to Mike for letting us know that Louis Gohmert made the Urban Dictionary.

We don’t have much to be proud about in Texas, what with having a big ole scardy cat for Governor.  So thank you, Louie, for adding to our recognition as a Boatload of Buffoons. . .

.

.

Then click right here and get your Genuine World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon Election Tee Shirt, the Official Beauty Salon of the 2010 November Election.

That’s right.  Fifteen bucks and you, too, can be a cool kid.

And that’s not all.  It’s guaranteed to make your butt look smaller.

It will also get you dates, raise your IQ by at least 10 points, and increase your chances of winning the lottery by 52.7%.

Hey, no kidding about that butt thing though.

“East Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert  is a Goofy Baby.  His parents came here from some tin foil hat land and gave birth to Little Louie so he could return to America and attack this country with gobs and gobs of goofy,” Juanita exclaims quite loudly this morning.  “And, look, it worked!

“And I have proof,” she stomps.  “There is a gaping hole in the security of our country from goofy people, and Louie Gohmert is the leader.”

“We know his plan!”  She screams at the top of her lungs.  “We know he’s trying to undermine this country by making us all look goofy.”

“Seriously, East Texas is the home of Congressman Charlie Wilson, Judge William Wayne Justice, Wright Patman, Bill Moyers, Archer Jesse Fulligim, and Senator Ralph Yarborough, some of the finest progressives this country has ever known.  There is no other way to explain Louie Gohmert except that he’s an alien goofy terrorist baby and that’s how he knows stuff that nobody else knows.”