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“Y’all,” Thelma began this morning as she entered the beauty salon, “Glen Beck just said that Rick Sanchez is the dumbest man ever on tv.”

“Honey, I’m a high school graduate, but even I know that’s nuts,” Thelma laughed.  “Urkel is the dumbest man ever on tv.”

“Yeah, Babe,” Juanita responded, “but Glenn is holding court at second place.”

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These giant billboards have been sprouting up all over the county.  Click the little one to get the big one.  Sorry the sun was reflecting off it.  I’ll try to get a better picture.

Now, Juanita never claimed to be no big time, highly paid political consultant expert.  In fact, she would prefer to be called a whole lot of tacky things before she’s called that.  Freeloading Yankee Terrorist Narcotrafficking Bad Dresser is a step up from political consultant.

However, it does seem to her that a few basic principles might apply to political sign making.

1.  I know they say that politics is show business for ugly people, but for goodness sake: if you’re kinda goofy looking, do not put your picture on a political sign.  And, if you’re 5 foot 4 inches tall , making yourself larger than lifesize on your signs might make passer-bys think, “Yeah, in your dreams, Little Buddy.”

2.  Do not put up political signs that take longer to read than War and Peace.  This sucker is on a road where the speed limit is 65.  By the time I read this thingy, I’d be about 60 yards downfield with a very puzzled look on my face.  In fact, I made an illegal U-Turn three times just to read it all.  So, arrest me.

3.  Red and yellow, kill a fellow?  Just saying.  I mean, do you really want people thinking of snakes when they see your sign?

4.  Do not put up expensive, and nevertheless tacky, political signs for an election you’re not running in.  This election is not even on the ballot until 2012.  Asking your political consultant if this is a good idea is like asking a barber if you need a haircut.

I can almost promise you that people will be confused when they don’t see your name on the 2010 election ballot, and they’ll forget your strategy by 2012 and just assume you’re back campaigning as a non-incumbent because you lost two years before.

5.  Did I mention if you’re goofy looking….. ?

6.  Okay, when you run in 2012, all demographic experts have predicted that this county will most certainly be minority-majority and Democratic.  Plus, Barack Obama will be on the ballot, turning out the minority vote.  You’re a Republican.   Quit wasting money.

Republicans on the ballot this election are not real pleased about you going out and raising money for two years from now that they need this election.  There’s a word  for it: rude.

7. Think real hard and recall how Milton Wright’s endorsement was the kiss of death in the GOP primary.  Ain’t diddle squat that’s changed about that.

I am dead solid certain that there’s more thing wrong with those signs, but I’ll have to drive by them a time or two more to see it all.

Meanwhile, that picture of you may make momma and daddy real proud but you can bet it’ll re-appear in two years on Democratic literature.  This ain’t Cowboy County anymore, Little Buddy.

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Juanita’s friend Rick Yancy wrote this and she just has to share it with you —-

The recall of half a billion eggs from Americans is yet another example of excessive Government overreach, and a power grab by the Obama administration.

The manufacturer, Wright County Eggs, has been persecuted repeatedly by government entities for bogus political charges of unhealthy conditions, animal cruelty, and employing illegal aliens. This attempt to squelch fee enterprise by the government is ridiculous. The free market will solve these problems. The so called “biologists” and “food safety experts” fail to mention that the salmonella bacterium is a naturally occurring entity in nature, and has existed long before humans. ( More than 3000 years.)
To assert that sanitary practices and observance of redundant and repressive health safety laws will alter the natural course of progress through the food chain is ludicrous. These “biologists” have yet to even explain which came first, the chicken or the egg. America waits for their answer. Until then, they have no credibility. Our founding fathers would never have stood for government intrusion into their HEB stores, their refrigerators and their very frying pans.

“Republicans have a very complex thinking mechanism,” Juanita observes.  “They would eat rat poison on a stick of nuclear waste than admit that government is a helpful thing in any circumstance.”

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“If this whole seed thing were true, then Billy Graham could not possibly be Franklin Graham’s father,” Juanita commented when told that Franklin said that President Barack Obama carried “the seed of Islam” through his father.  “Billy Graham didn’t hand down the Seed of Crazy.”

“I’m just saying that if that was true, then Dirt Janochek carries the Seed of Trailer Park and I, myself, carry the Seed of Texas Football,” she grins.

“I have no idea,” she continues, “where Franklin comes up with this stuff because unless there’s been a few dents in the sacraments, The Good Lord surely isn’t passing along information like that to sober preachers.”

“And speaking of sober preachers,” she says while on a  roll, “it seems that in Virginia, some American soldiers were punished for not attending a contemporary Christian band concert.  Honey, if that was the house rule, I’d be spending my life locked in my room shinning my boots.  Hey, after you’ve heard Mahalia Jackson, being forced to listen to Amy Grant is darn near torture.”

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Juanita read Wayne Slater of the Dallas Morning News this morning and wished she’d have been nicer to Texas Governor Rick Perry.

“It’s not that being Rick’s friend would be fun,” she says, “but it certainly is profitable.”

Charges of cronyism and outside influence in both parties are nothing new in Austin. But Perry’s 10-year tenure, the longest of any governor, has attracted long-standing loyalists who have benefited from his years atop state government.

“Slater has done the research showing that Rick’s friends can parlay that into some major bucks.  And I guess that doesn’t even count gettin’ to go to the $10,000 a month taxpayer mansion and kicking back with cigars and wine.”

“I’m tellin’ ya, Fancy Pants Rick takes care of his friends,” she acknowledges.  “Too damn bad he has so few of them because Texans could use a little money right about now.”

And we’ve still a few shirts left to help spread the word.

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