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I apologize, but this can’t wait.

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Y’all Juanita needs to win lunch with Karl Rove.  Seriously.  That would be oh so cool.  We just gotta do this.

Texas Governor Rick Perry raffles off stuff to get people to join his campaign on Facebook. Can you even imagine the money we could raise to watch Juanita have lunch with Karl Rove?  I’m damn near certain she’d pick Big Rick’s Tea Room.

Oh joy!  She could also win lunch with David Barton, and get him to identify the founding fathers quotes.

And just FYI to Becker Vineyards:  Juanita and the girls will never buy another bottle of your wine.  That’s gonna cost ya, Bub.

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Juanita says I can let you in on a little secret.  Now don’t be spreading this all around.

Juanita has a little doohickey that lets her know what search terms people use who accidentally end up on this website.  Sometimes they enter in “Juanita’s Beauty Shop” in Google to find their way here.  Juanita’s little doohickey makes her a list of what terms are used and some of them are pretty darn funny.

Now let me say here and now that Juanita has no way of knowing who you are.  She can come close to knowing where you are, like what city, but she cannot see back through the computer to see you in your pajamas at the computer screen.  Which she counts as a blessing because, Lord, child, you are a mess.

So, a funny happened today.

Here’s the search term that came from a computer somewhere in Sugar Land.

So, Juanita got to wondering what kinds of results you’d get if you entered “where to find republican yard signs in fort bend county.”  She was curious about how far down the list did they have to go to get to her.

Well, howdy, she’s #2. (Hit the little picture to get the big one.)

But here’s the part that makes life worth living:  Someone who wants to know where she can find Republican yard signs in Fort Bend County gets my buddy Hal’s website first and Hal ain’t had nothing nice to say about Republicans since Elvis died.  They get me second, which ain’t gonna please them at all because I make fun of the locals, then they get a Christian Science Monitor article about how Texas Democrats are on the rise.

Fourth, they get an old website of mine which ain’t gonna be a GOP crowd pleaser.  Then they get a lawsuit where Republican Sheriff Candidate Chief Deputy Craig Brady sued the county because he loves activist judges and trial lawyers.  Then they get Burnt Orange Report. Next is a local blog about the super nasty GOP DA race, and then my old website again, and – oh you’re gonna love this – the #10 place they get sent?  Democratic Party Steve Brown’s campaign website.

The GOP strategy is pretty straight forward. It is viscerally negative to any Democratic idea or initiative. It starts and ends with a general conclusion and is void of any analysis. If any rationale is given (which is rare) it is usually another general conclusion which obstructs any debate. The strategy is premised on the GOP’s ability to manipulate public opinion rather than to educate or persuade through thoughtful debate. Talking points are calculated to evoke an emotional reaction and not to illuminate the issue. Poll questions are slanted to reveal the answer desired by the party taking the poll. Opponents are vilified and shouted down.

They have to go to #14 waaaay down the list to even get a GOP website.  Then it’s just Charlie Howard, a state rep, asking for money.

What’s not to love about this?

So, since they couldn’t find a GOP yard sign, I made them one.

Enjoy, Google Yard Sign Looker,  Honey.  And come back now, ya hear?

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“Well, ain’t this just a bucket of cute?” Juanita has turned on the sarcasm hose this morning.

On Sunday, Sen. John Kyl (R-Ariz.) became the highest-ranking Republican to call for the repeal of the 14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. Appearing on CBS’ Face the Nation, Kyl said that he opposes allowing children of undocumented immigrants to be granted U.S. citizenship and wants Congress to hold hearings on the matter.

“I guess they figure that if that manger thing was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for Baby Carlotta,” Juanita rolls her eyes.

“Up until this very moment I though Republicans and the Bible were closer than skin on a sausage.  Turns out,” she admits, “I was wrong.”

Leviticus 19: 33 reads “When a foreigner lives with you in your land, you must not oppress him.  You must regard the foreigner who lives with you as the native-born among you. You are to love him as yourself, for you were foreigners in the land of Egypt; I am the Lord your God.

“When did America cease being the Land of Plenty and become the Land of Stingy?” Juanita shouts.

“Um, sometime during the Reagan administration,” Verdelia quietly offers.

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“Oh, the tales they tell,” begins Juanita with a delicious story this morning to go with the coffee.  “Good for us, their tales are taller than they are wide.”

“It seems that the Teabaggers have come up with a story that some Mexican drug lords have crossed the border at Laredo and seized two Texas ranches.  The Teabaggers know this to be true because someone told them.”

“But, the best part of this story is that there is a giant government cover-up to keep this story quiet because … well, I’m not exactly clear on that, except, of course, Obama is Hitler,” she grins.

“I have been to Laredo,” she says, “it’s on the border with Mexico, about 3 hours west of Corpus Christi.  It ain’t no damn hole in the wall.  The US courthouse there is big enough to play football in.  There’s a major university, three professional sports teams and one helluva Jalapeno Festival every year.”

“The Mayor of Laredo is Raul Salinas, a wonderful man, and a former US Capitol Police Officer and retired FBI Agent,” she grins.  “I suspect all this adds something to the Teabaggers’ tall tale – FBI, feds, black helicopters, conspiracies, Mexicans, Area 51, Hillary Clinton, secrets,  oh hell, I dunno whatall.”

“Anyway,” she continues, “they contend that all this secret invasion of the United States by Mexican drug lords is just one more reason why Barack Obama is Hitler AND Mexican AND a drug dealer AND in cahoots with notorious  floozy woman Carmen Miranda.”

“Listen up, there are 200,000 people in Laredo and not one of them – not even one – can keep a secret.  Everybody knows that.  Except, of course, people who have never been to Laredo or, incidentally, can read.”

“So, the Teabaggers can stay busy blogging about fiction and wishing it was fact.  Hell, it works for our local Republicans, what with their chairman having a post on their website talking about his suspicions for the 2010 primary elections with a post dated in July.  Uh, the primary took place in March.  Somebody’s been asleep for a loooong time or the upcoming general election is a conspiracy.”

“Damn, these guys are fun,” she grins.