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“I knew this pornography at WalMart was just the beginning,” Juanita says in her best Sunday School voice.

“I knew it was going to spread,” she says.  “I just knew it.”

“But, thank goodness for the American Family Association, who spends day and night, every waking hour, looking for pornography.  And, they found it at Sear’s and Roebucks online.”

“Now, I wanna be honest with you and let you know that I do not have time to look at everything you can buy at Sear’s online because there’s like, I dunno, a cazillion things.  And you know how I just hate to trust people to do my porn searches for me.  There are some things I’d just rather do on my own.  But, I just have to trust the porn experts at the American Family Council to do this one for me,” she laments.

“That picture you see over there to the left.  That is actual  pornography found at Sears online, according to the American Family Council. No, I am not kidding.  It was, in fact so stunning that it warranted a Tim Alert, which ranks right up with a red alert from the Department of Homeland security.  Or, maybe even higher, I dunno for sure.”

You can go see it for yourself right here, but here’s what it says, boiled down to the part where they don’t ask for money.

Sears is currently offering giant posters of total nud**y on its website. Sears knows they are selling smut. Technology allows Sears to remove and stop selling these posters within minutes, so why won’t they?

I hope you will take my word for it, but if you must see the proof, click here. Warning: the posters are extremely graphic and offensive, although they have been edited by us.

These aren’t just posters of scantily-clad women. Some of them depict groups of people, lesbians and others engaged in ***ual activities. Very little is left to the imagination.

“Okay, so I went to see what the fool tarnation all those stars were about.  Hell, I couldn’t even figure out what most of those words were supposed to be,” Juanita admits.  “And, blessed their hearts, they warned the three times that what I was about to see was dirty, dirty, ohmygosh dirty.  Wowza, Annie!  I mean, just the excitement of anticipation was better than a Friday night date to the VWF dance.  I was virtually aquiver.”

“You cannot imagine my disappointment, no you cannot, when all I got to see was some ta-tas, covered with hands or bras or camera angle.  That’s not porn – that’s just ta-tas.  Look, every straight American male has earned his knowledge of anatomy from the Cross Your Heart bras in the Sears catalog.  I kinda think it’s Sears’ job to teach this stuff.”

“But I want to thank the pron master at the American Family Association for their hourly quest to find something dirty to look at.  I’ve got a cousin with the same problem.”

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Okay, so here’s the deal:  Fight the Right has the 16 top Fringe Nuts and Rick Perry is in the Top 16.  Please go vote for him.  He’s worked hard for it and he’s earned it.

Plus, he’s already got the fringe!

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Heads up, locals –

Heat Advisory

Heat Advisory in effect for Fort Bend County today. The National Weather Service in Houston/Galveston has issued this Advisory which is in effect until 9:00 PM this evening. Heat indices are expected to climb above 100 degrees by 10:00 AM before reaching the 105-109 degree range this afternoon.

Precautions: If you plan to be outside, avoid prolonged exposure or stenuous physical activity. Drink plenty of fluids to avoid dehydration. Wear a hat to shield yourself from the sun and use sunscreen to reduce possible sunburn.

Posted August 04, 2010 07:58:13 CST

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

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The Other Bob, El Grande Jefe, has a book coming out in October.  You can pre-order it at Amazon, like I just did, or not be part of the cool kids.  Your choice.

Order it by clicking here.  It’s like ten bucks.  You’ve got ten bucks.  It ain’t making you any smarter sitting in your wallet.

Not be one of the cool kids by clicking here.  (It’s the Fort Bend County Tea Party SOCIETY!  Society?  Oh, give me a giant break.)

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“Okay,” Juanita begins, “so this lawyer is out on the firing range with his custom silenced AR-15 rifle, minding his own business.”

Raymond Peake, Angry Old White Guy

“Raymond Peake, a corrections officer, comes along and sends him to that Great Writ Hearing In The Sky with his own AR-15, and steals the lawyer’s rifle.  Like taking candy from a baby.”

“Now I know this is kinda ironic in the face of the whole guns-for-protection department.  It does seem to me that a firing range would be the easiest place to dispatch people.  It’s kinda the OK Corral except more camo and meaner guns.”

“Anyway, Peake had a perfectly good reason for shooting the lawyer.  From his statement to police:”

Peake said he has been stealing guns for the purpose of aiding an organization that Peake refused to name. Peake said the organization is collecting guns for the purpose of overthrowing the federal government (of the United States of America). Peake said he and Tuso together are members of this organization. Peake told your affiant that he would kill to defend his country and he was stealing weapons to defend his country.

“Now, if you remember your Shakespeare, in Henry VI, a guy named Dick the Butcher is plotting revolution with some of his friends.  Shakespeare, ever mindful that the easiest way to tyranny is to remove the guardians of independent thinking, says the first thing to do is kill all the lawyers.” Professor Juanita says this will be on the test.

Juanita continues, “I have serious doubts that Raymond Peake is up on his Shakespeare.  So, I’m just gonna guess that he wants to overthrow the government and needs lots of rifles to shoot down the Blue Angles or an A10 Thunderbolt or Hillary Clinton on horseback.  I dunno.”

“And to make things even more confusing,” she continues, “don’t they teach people not to shoot a lawyer?  Who the hell is gonna defend you?  What the hell were you thinking?  Is your posse gonna come break you out?”

“You wanna hear the really scary thing?  This guy was a prison guard and had passed a psychiatric test.  And he had damn guns.”

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“Bless her heart,” Juanita says in that tone that lets you know something tacky is following.

“Nevada’s Teabagger candidate for Senate, Sharon Angle, let the cat out of the bag and then chased it around the room, much to the delight of even marginally sane people,” Juanita grins.  “There is nothing like giving away the entire Teabagger election strategy.”

During yesterday’s Fox News Channel’s special elections show on primaries and midterms around the country, Sharron Angle had the following exchange with an incredulous Carl Cameron about her media strategy so far:

Angle: “We needed to have the press be our friend.”

Cameron: “Wait a minute. Hold on a second. To be your friend…?”

Angle: “Well, truly–”

Cameron: “That sounds naive.”

Angle: “Well, no. We wanted them to ask the questions we want to answer so that they report the news the way we want it to be reported.”

Cameron: [speechless, laughs]

“And by the way, Sharon,” Thelma says, “the Little Dutch Boy called.  He wants his haircut back.”

“Yeah, but I think even Fox News is giving her his finger,” Juanita chuckles.

“Bless her heart,” the entire salon said in unison.