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Your friends at The World’s Most Dangerous beauty Salon, Inc, have the popcorn popped and the beer on ice.  It’s Republican Convention time!

Texas Republicans will be descending on Dallas this weekend, armed to the hilt, to declare war on … you guessed it … each other.

“Baby doll, this s gonna be a Democrat’s dream,” Juanita promises.  “They are already starting to toss hand grenades at each other and throwing around the ultimate insult – promising to put each other on their prayer lists.  Honey, that’s how the Republicans like to insult people now.  When they disagree with you, they say, ‘I’ll pray for you,’ in that voice that really says ‘you’re going to hell and there’s not much I can probably do about it, but since I’m a better person than you are, I will ask God to forgive you because God listens to me but not to you.’ And then you’re supposed to feel real bad and change your opinion so you can go to heaven like they are, but you’ll never really be equal to them because you’re just not one of God’s favorites like they are.”

We are glad to have Juanita to explain these things because plenty of Republicans have been saying that to us lately.

“When they say that to me, I look up and say, “oh God, forgive them for using the Bible as their own personal  weapon.  They know what what they do.”  Sometimes that shuts them up but generally they just looked peeved because they know in their hearts that God is not your Facebook friend or even following you on Twitter,” Juanita continues and continues and continues because she gets excited at Texas Republican convention time.

Last convention, two years ago, the Texas Republicans passed resolutions supporting state sovereignty, making English the official language of Texas and America,  making it a felony to give a same sex couple a marriage license, and to require animals to wear pants and amusing hats.  Okay, so I just made up the animals thing but the Texas GOP is so nuts that you almost believed, huh?

This year they have some new ideas —

Keith Houser of Southlake, for instance, hopes to add a measure that requires the top two leaders in the U.S. to be “natural born” citizens, meaning that both parents are citizens. His measure would require presidential and vice presidential candidates to submit proof to be listed on the Texas ballot.

“This is our shot across the bow,” Houser said. “Mr. Obama, if you are going to run again, the state of Texas will not recognize you.”

“Shoot, Mr. Houser, Hon, it’s even because I don’t recognize you,” Juanita grins.

Texas Republican Party Convention – a grand time will be had by all.

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Juanita best guess is that the most wonderful things about Nikki Haley’s almost- win last night in South Carolina is threefold:

1.  South Carolina still gets to carry the Oh My God There’s Hoochy Going On Here All Over The Damn Place title.

2.  Finally, wimmen folks get to partake of knoodlin’ scandals.  That’s equal rights.

3.  We get to talk about a and b during the run off.

Heckuva deal if you ask me.

It appears that one of Haley’s gentleman friends is not going away.

“Oh, thank you, Political Manna Goddess, for this small but lovely gift,” Juanita says.

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“I’m beginning to think that Countdown should be named ‘Keith Olbermann, featuring Bob Cavnar and His Triple Digit IQ,'” Juanita suggests.

Her friend, and great Texan, Bob Carvar has become a regular on Countdown.  And, there’s a reason for that.  Bob knows oil.  Personally. This ain’t his first oil patch rodeo.

Take a look right here for a video of Bob talking about Doomsday Stuff that is very scary and super creepy.

“I’m telling you that BP is a herd of point blank liars,” Juanita says.  “They lie so much that they have to send the dogs to fetch their kids because even children won’t believe them when they call.”

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And speaking of guns and gardens ….

Oh.  My.  Goodness.

A family staying at a Sugar Land motel got something unexpected at check in; grandma found a gun under a pillow.

And how did it get there?

Drury Inn Regional Manager Brian Collins said they learned the gun belongs to a previous guest who is registered as a handgun owner and when the staff went to prepare the room, it was overlooked.

Granny ain’t too happy about this turn of events.

Perronne can’t help but get emotional remembering how her granddaughters were playing beside her just minutes before [she found the gun]. “It didn’t, it didn’t happen, it didn’t happen. Thank God it didn’t happen to us,” Perronne said.

And the cops were called and through amazing police skills determined —

Sugar Land police were called to the hotel and after looking over the gun, they determined it was a loaded 40-caliber handgun.

“Okay,” Juanita reacts with some amount of wonder, “this is Texas.  The gun is to be expected.  However, the fact that they don’t fluff the pillows between guests falls short of the normal standards of gracious hospitality you find in Sugar Land.”

The owner of the hotel says  —

“Housekeeping should be more consistent in checking the rooms and the beds, and I hope nothing like this has to happen again,” Frugia said.

“Honey, if I were you, I wouldn’t sit on the bedspread at the Drury Hotel in Sugar Land,” Juanita says.

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Juanita was at Whole Foods yesterday and a magazine at the check out stand caught her eye —

“Garden and Gun.  Whoa, that just kinda made me stand there for a second with that feeling brought to you by the letters W,T, and F.”

“I blinked and looked at it again, hoping that my brain would synapse and I would come to some manner of deep union to the transcendental relationship of gardens and guns that the presentation of the cover teasingly hinted was somewhat ironic and minimally disturbing with the artistic juxtaposition of the jaggedly cut seeping juices and the calm flowing on the seminal hues of the sky and nurture with the ecclesiastical  …..  OH CRAP, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!”

“I dared to look a little closer and saw the entire title is “Garden and Gun: Soul of the New South.  Soul?  New?  When did this happen and why wasn’t I notified?  I think I’m in charge of these things.”

“Tell me something, is ‘The Secret South’ announced on the cover a place where we shoot things in our garden?  And how secret can it be if it’s on a magazine cover.”

“Apparently, this is a real magazine where they take themselves very seriously,” she reports after much investigation and a google search.

She started to buy it because she didn’t think anybody at the beauty salon would believe her, but that’s what camera phones are for.

“So, now you don’t have to stand there with total bumfuddlement at Whole Foods when you see this at the check out stand,” Juanita says, “because I’ve already done that for you.  It’s just another of the free friendly services we offer here.”

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It appears that Mike Huckabee has endorsed a lady who just might be a little titched.  Bless her heart.  And bless his heart, too, because it’s not the first time his judgment has been two clicks off center.

“The Republicans are picking some real kooky folks to carry their banner.  And, boy howdy, they’ve got a doozy this time,” Juanita reports.

This should be a banner day for Karen Diebel. The Winter Park city commissioner, a candidate in the GOP’s primary to take on Rep. Suzanne Kosmas (D-Fla.), scored the endorsement of Mike Huckabee, building on endorsements that have kept her visible as former Ruth’s Chris Steak House CEO Craig Miller unloads his war chest. Cue: the mysterious release of a 2007 police report that was filed after Diebel called 911 with worries about a snake found in her pool.

The police report said that in her calls, Diebel said that the snake incident was connected to her elected position and that she also worried that her home and land-line phone were being monitored and that her personal computer and work laptop had been hacked.

“But, the actual police report, which can be read here, is a delight,” Juanita says.  “A few glasses of wine and with a paranoia appetizer.”

“She thinks people are tapping her home phone and putting friendly snakes in her swimming pool,” Juanita says.  “Maybe it was the wine and few too many X-Files reruns.”

“Or, maybe it’s because she’s a Republican.  That stuff can make you crazy.”