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With all the crappy stuff going on right now, Juanita and her customer Alfredo thought you might enjoy a pleasant thought.

Convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff, still serving a sentence for defrauding clients and conspiring to bribe public officials, has a new job: He’s selling pizzas in Baltimore rather than influence in Washington.

Abramoff, recently released from a federal prison camp in Cumberland to a halfway house in Baltimore, began working Monday at Tov Pizza on Reisterstown Road.

“I think people get a second chance,” said Ron Rosenbluth, owner of the shop, which boasts of the city’s best kosher pizza — which means lots of veggie options but no meat. “If they do their time, they deserve a chance.”

“I wonder if he delivers,” Juanita grinned.

“But, Honey, when Tom DeLay is working at the dairy Queen, I will be a happy woman.”

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“Well, stick a gavel in my ear and call me Dumbo,” Juanita slammed a can of hairspray on the counter when she saw this.

“The federal judge who overturned Barack Obama’s offshore drilling moratorium appears to own stock in numerous companies involved in the offshore oil industry—including Transocean, which leased the Deepwater Horizon drilling rig to BP prior to its April 20 explosion in the Gulf of Mexico—according to 2008 financial disclosure reports,” Yahoo News reports.

“Is there anybody who is not a wholly own subsidiary of big oil?  Have they just bought the whole damn country?  Are they slick in more ways that we can count?”

Juanita is fed up.  Big Time.

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Juanita has a dog named Truman.  Roosevelt is her favorite president, but Truman is a close second.  Hairy Truman seemed like a good dog name to her.

She did not name her dog Douglas MacArthur. “There’s a reason for that,” she explains.  “MacArthur was a megalomaniac who believed his own press.  He insulted his commander in chief. In 1951, Truman fired this very popular general and took the heat for a few months until people realized that MacArthur was mentally ill and never should have held command.”

“On the other hand, Stanley McChrystal isn’t mentally ill.  He’s just incredibly stoopid.  Why the hell was he talking to Rolling Stone in the first place?  Frankly, I’m stunned,” she admits.

“He should be fired and relieved of duty immediately.  Verdelia has volunteered to clean out his desk for him,” she offers, “and Thelma wants his very cool boots.”

“Drop and give me fifty, Stanley.”

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Most of you know that Ron Paul, sire of the terminally goofy Rand Paul, is a congresscritter in Juanita’s county.  Accordingly, she just can’t avert her eyes when Rand Paul says something that sounds like a 3 year old fighting for toys on a play date.

“I’ve tried to ignore him, but I can’t.” she admits.  “It’s a car wreck with a house fire on a sink hole.”

And now Rand Paul is offering job advice in the bad economy.

Republican U.S. Senate candidate Rand Paul on Friday urged Americans who have been unemployed for many months to consider returning to the workforce in less desirable jobs rather than continue relying on government unemployment assistance.

“So you recently unemployed school teachers should gut up and pick up garbage,” she suggests.  “Oh, so they’re laying off sanitation workers, too?  Well, maybe the sanitation workers could get jobs teaching kindergarten.”

“Rand Paul is the world’s first spherical twit – he’s a twit no matter what direction you look at him,” she sighs.

And yet, later in the interview, Rand Paul says —-

In another radio interview, with a Bowling Green station on Wednesday, Paul defended his acceptance of Medicare and Medicaid payments as an eye surgeon for the last 17 years. Paul said he wants sweeping cuts in federal spending, but as a doctor, he has little choice but to serve patients covered by the massive federal health-care programs.

“I work hard and I don’t see any other person in this country who’s gonna work hard and not be paid for it,” Paul said.

“Whoa, wait, hold on, pull in on them reins …. didn’t you just suggest that they should get another job instead of taking government money?” she asks Rand Paul who isn’t in the room but probably listens to cosmic sounds and Juanita’s voice might be louder than the voices in his head.

“The Looneytarians make my teeth itch,” she announces.

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“Haley Barbour is cross eyed, buck toothed, loud mouthed son of a motherless goat, dammit,”Juanita hollers.

“Oh no, it ain’t enough that Joe Barton has to apologize, now we have Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour, a chubby sweet-lookin fella with a prissy way about himself, spewing mule dung out of his mouth.”

Juanita is throwing around hair brushes and cussin’ up a storm.

Mississippi’s Republican governor, Haley Barbour, said on Sunday that the temporary moratorium on offshore drilling imposed by the Obama administration is worse than the catastrophic oil spill caused by the explosion of the Deepwater Horizon rig.

“Governor, what’s worse, the moratorium or the effects of this spill on the region?” asked “Meet the Press” host David Gregory on Sunday. Barbour responded, “Well, the moratorium… the spill’s a terrible thing, but the moratorium is a terrible thing that’s not only bad for the region, it’s bad for America.”

“Bad for America?  Does that pig face jerk think an oil spill the size of North Dakota is a GOOD thing?”

“Haley, you sunburned unbathed farm varmint, there is no promise that the oil out there is even going to America.  And jobs?  Hell, we could put these folks to work cleaning this mess up and they’d get paid just the same.”

“You know who this is bad for, Haley?  It’s bad for your fat cat oil men.  You know, the good ole boys who feed you and take you to the country club.  They’re the ones who are hurting.  They can sure the heck fire tarnation afford to hurt more than a gulf coast fisherman or the barrier islands we need in a hurricane.”

“Haley Barbour can kiss my patootie,” she storms.  I know for a fact that she means it.

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There’s some happy news at the Beauty Salon this morning.

“Our friend El Grande Jefe Bob is headed out to the Horizon disaster site today with NBC.  He’ll be on MSNBC off and on during the day and maybe, just maybe, on the NBC Nightly News,” Juanita smiles.

“If you want to know what’s really happening out there, watch El Grande Jefe,” Juanita says.  “I told him that I’d give him a free haircut if he got me Rachel Maddow’s autograph.  You’d think he should be willing to deep dive and cap that sucker himself for a prize like that, but nooooo…..”

“And tomorrow, I, of course, will be reporting live from Cabo San Rosenberg right here on Channel Juanita.  Can’t be having Bob show me up.”