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To registered your name with Just Won’t Give It Up, Inc., be John Boehner and say this —

House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) is demanding that Paul McCartney apologize for expressing his gratitude that America again has a president “who knows what a library is,” Human Events’ Connie Hair reports.

“Like millions of other Americans, I have always had a good impression of Paul McCartney and thought of him as a classy guy, but I was surprised and disappointed by the lack of grace and respect he displayed at the White House,” Boehner said in a statement. “I hope he’ll apologize to the American people for his conduct which demeaned him, the White House and President Obama.”

“Yes, John, and I demand that you cry me a river,” Juanita hoots.

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“I’m selling this beauty salon and moving to South Carolina, Honey,” Juanita announced when I walked in this morning.

“They have taken the crown from Texas for crazzzy politicians,” she mumbles and starts throwing things in a box.  “I’ll end up with nothing to talk about if this keeps up.  They struck crazzzy paydirt in South Carolina.  They are mining the motherlode.”

“The latest in South Carolina?  The Republican gubernatorial candidate, who appears to have sparked with every political consultant  in the state, just got called a name,” Juanita reports.  “Now you’d think maybe somebody would call her a floozy or John Edwards in a Tube Top.  But, no, a South Carolina Republican State Senator called her the R word.”

Lexington County State Senator Jake Knotts is in a bit of hot water following his controversial remarks on Nikki Haley and President Barack Obama.

Knotts appeared on a Columbia internet talk show and used a racial slur to describe both Haley and Obama.

The program is called “Pub Politics” and on it Knotts said “We already got one raghead in the White House, We don’t need a raghead in the Governor’s Mansion.”

“Wait a minute!  Wait a minute!  Wait a damn minute!  Things like that are only supposed to happen in Texas,” Juanita explains.

“I’ll tell you one darn thing,” she says, “if they start any gun play, I’m outta here and headed for Charleston, baby.  That would make them the official king of fun politics.”

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In today’s Houston Chronicle.

To avoid getting delayed behind noisy schoolkids waiting in line to pass through new metal detectors at the state Capitol, lobbyists are signing up for concealed handgun permits exempting them from the security checkpoints.

Visitors to the Capitol also now are subject to inspections of purses, bags and briefcases by Department of Public Safety officers.

The only people exempted are lawmakers, properly identified state employees or Texans who carry a pistol with a concealed handgun license — or just the license itself, which allows them to bypass the security lines for an express lane reserved for “CHL: Holders.”

“Every lobbyist in Texas is going to become a card-carrying member or a gun-carrying member,” lobbyist and former state lawmaker Pat Haggerty said. “We’re going to have more damn guns in here than we know what to do with.

“So, your concealed handgun is now your hall pass?” Juanita asks.

“Oh hell, let’s just let them show the concealed handgun instead of the license,” she suggests.  “Let’s man-up about this.  Pulling back your jacket to show off your weapon is far more sexually satisfying than flashing your winkie.”

“So I could carry an armory, two pounds of cocaine, and three small Taliban terrorists into the State Capitol as long as I have a CHL?  Don’t give me ideas,” she waves away any bad thoughts.

“Seriously, don’t.”

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Juanita is a tad peeved that in the Who We Are section, I neglected to mention that she fought at the Alamo but escaped at the last minute, living to ride with Teddy Roosevelt and the Rough Riders.  She kicked Stalin in the rump and participated in a CIA mission to poison Pol Pot.

She also put the star on top the San Jacinto Monument, which was not as easy as it looks.

She’s also running for Governor of Arizona and the United States Senate.

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“Whatever is in the water in South Carolina makes you wonder why there aren’t more South Carolinians,”  Juanita pondered this morning after news that the female Republican gubernatorial candidate might be hiking the Appalachian trial in Salt lake City.

A second South Carolina GOP political consultant is claiming he had an affair with gubernatorial hopeful Nikki Haley — a one-night stand in her hotel room at a June 2008 school choice conference in Salt Lake.

Here’s the twist: the consultant, Larry Marchant, worked until his resignation yesterday for Andre Bauer, the current lieutenant governor and one of Haley’s opponents in the Republican gubernatorial primary, which is just five days away.

“I think you lose 5 percentage points at the polls if you’re a political candidate not doing the wild thing in South Carolina.  I think it’s kinda expected.  You know, like in Texas it’s expected that your Governor be dumb as bean dip.”