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An honest to gosh press release from Hector Uribe’s office —

Uribe performs CPR, resuscitates collapsed Capitol jogger

(Austin) Democratic nominee for Texas Land Commissioner Hector Uribe successfully performed CPR on a man who had apparently collapsed with no pulse or respiration while jogging earlier today.

Uribe was walking to his office at 11th and Congress early this afternoon when he noticed a crowd gathering on a Capitol driveway near 11th Street. When Uribe walked over and saw a man on the ground, he joined other onlookers in assessing the man, could not detect a pulse or respiration, and that his eyes were rolled back in his head. Uribe began performing CPR on the man, and a couple of minutes later, the man gasped and began breathing on his own.

State Trooper Husain Roussel, who was recently in the news himself when a gunman fired shots on the Capitol grounds, was among those who arrived at the scene and witnessed the incident.

“I’m all for Texas turning blue, but not like this,” Uribe said. “I was very glad to help, grateful that I knew CPR, and I wish the gentleman the very best of health.”

All in a day’s work for the handsome, smart, and soon to be Land Commissioner, Hector Uribe.

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I am fairly certain that we’ve all seen the teevee ad for the ditzy congressional candidate Pamela Gorman firing off rounds from a machine gun to prove she’s ready for public life outside the institution.   “I know it scared the crap outta me,” Juanita blushes.

Juanita particularly liked the part where Pamela is a Conservative Christian.  “Oh Lord, when Sweet Jesus comes back like a thief in the night, I hope it ain’t in Arizona.   This chick is determined to kill somedamnthing.”

“And then as if clipping coupons for ammo was the new fad, we have Nevada Republican Senate nominee Sharron Angle talking about using the second admendment to “take Harry Reid out.”

“I don’t think she meant on a date,” Juanita suspects.

“So, she now says she is backtracking an says she was ‘speaking broadly.’  Uh huh.  Yep,” Juanita rolls her eyes.  “No, Honey, broads don’t speak that way.  Broads have better manners than that.”

“It’s like my Aunt Ethel used to say, ‘Honey, a lady never shows her ta-tas or her weapon in public.  Those things are only meant for your man, where they will do you some good.'”

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My friend David has an interesting question this morning on Facebook.

Just checking: Has the Free Market cleaned up the oilspill yet?

Anybody know?

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Today, Senator Orange Dude (John Boehner, R., Tan-O-Ville), had something interesting to say —

“They’re snuffing out the America that I grew up in,” Boehner said.

Yep, it’s them homosexuals, blacks, people as brown as Boehner is trying to be, and uppity women just ruining John Boehner’s America.

“It’s kinda like this,” Juanita explains.  “Here’s my take on John Boehner…..”

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me three times, well, that’s still pretty much on me.

Fool me four times and I can’t believe I fell for it agian.

Fool me five times and …. damn, there has to be Jews involved in this somehow.

Fool me six times and … why the hell do you keep fooling me?  What the hell are you doing?

Fool me seven times and …. damn you, Barney Franks.

Fool me eight times and I get to be the House Minority Leader.

Fool me nine times …. and stop it.  Just stop it.  You’re just laughing at me now, aren’t you?

“Look, John, it’s this simple,” Juanita explains.  “I ain’t going back to the kitchen in high heels just so you can feel in charge again.  Get Viagra and get over it.”

“I mean it, John, “American doesn’t belong solely to you anymore.  And we thank God for that!”

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The Republican Party has decided to attack Elena Kagan by pitching a fit about Thurgood Marshall, an honest to gosh American hero.

“I’m not saying that Republicans are mortified by intelligent black people,” Juanita begins this morning, “but Republicans are mortified by …. wait a minute, that is exactly what I’m saying.”

“In an silly-boy attempt to discredit Kagan, they went all off on Thurgood ByGawd Marshall, a personal hero of mine and a fine cowboy if ever there was one,” Juanita shakes her curls and taps her high heels again the tile floor making all manner of indignant noise.

As confirmation hearings opened Monday afternoon, Republicans on the Senate Judiciary Committee took the unusual approach of attacking Kagan because she admired the late justice Thurgood Marshall, for whom she clerked more than two decades ago.

“Justice Marshall’s judicial philosophy,” said Sen. Jon Kyl (Ariz.), the No. 2 Republican in the Senate, “is not what I would consider to be mainstream.” Kyl — the lone member of the panel in shirtsleeves for the big event — was ready for a scrap. Marshall “might be the epitome of a results-oriented judge,” he said.

“Bless their hearts, Republicans are still angry over Brown vs Board of Education,” because most of them are so old that they remember what happened yesterday but think 1954 was yesterday,” she surmises.

“And speaking old crazy old people,” Texas Senator John Cornyn went whack again during the hearing.  He started babbling in tongues that got so many people shaking their heads that the National Weather Service issued a wind warning.”

The lack of a coherent attack on the nominee became apparent when Cornyn began his opening statement with a quotation that he said he received in an e-mail: “Liberty is not a cruise ship full of pampered passengers. Liberty is a man of war, and we’re all the crew.”

“I don’t know why I thought of that,” Cornyn told the perplexed audience.

“Poor John.  They have to plug his ears at night to keep his brain in.”

“It is disturbing to me that Thurgood Marshall, a genuine American hero who granted full citizenship to millions of people, could not get confirmed by Republicans today because, according to Senator Kyl, he is not mainstream.  Mainstream?  You have Antonin Scalia on your side and you’re worried about mainstream?  Sneeze, your brains are dusty.”

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Juanita occasionally reminds folks that the best thing about Texas is that we’re dandy proud of our crazy folks.

“In foreign states, they put the crazy uncle up in the attic, in Texas we display him on the front porch and invited friends over to meet him,” she explains.

“I came to believe that Texas was the best place to be a crazy person  20 years ago when we put Ross Perot in charge of Texas education.  That proved to me right then and there that we could close all the mental institutions because we’d done found jobs for all the crazy people.”

“The plan worked well until we started electing them to Congress,” she explains.  “Texas now has a congressional delegation that would be under court-ordered custodial care in all other states.”

Juanita offers Republican Louis Gohmert as proof.

“I talked to a retired FBI agent who said that one of the things they were looking at were terrorist cells overseas who had figured out how to game our system. And it appeared they would have young women, who became pregnant, would get them into the United States to have a baby,” said Gohmert. “They wouldn’t even have to pay anything for the baby. And then they would turn back where they could be raised and coddled as future terrorists. And then one day, twenty, thirty years down the road, they can be sent in to help destroy our way of life. ‘Cause they figured out how stupid we are being in this country to allow our enemies to game our system, hurt our economy, get set up in a position to destroy our way of life.”

“Well,” she smiles, “I talked to an unnamed retired FBI agent, a current unnamed CIA Agent, and a future unnamed PTA president, and they all told me that it’s a well known fact to foreign terrorist operatives that Louis Gohmert is a Manchurian Candidate from an alien planet set to explode all over Austin, Texas, at a predesignated time, making a helluva mess with his engineered innards and vacuum brain.”

“Once he goes off, it’ll take us a week to skim paranoia off Lake Travis.  It would be a paranoia slick the likes of which have never been seen on this planet.”