.

John Cornyn makes Juanita’s skin crawl.

“To begin with, he’s so slick that he can’t keep his socks up,” she starts with an eye roll.

“Second of all, trying to reason with him is like a blind man talking to his deaf dog,” she reports.  “Plus, watching his position on the issues is like watching a balloon with the air running out.  He’s all over the place.”

Juanita remembers back with John Cornyn thought that the nomination of Harriet Miers was “refreshing” because she lacked judicial experience.  In fact, in the Wall Street Journal, Cornyn wrote —

For one thing, there is no evidence that service on the federal court of appeals is a prerequisite for distinguished service on the Supreme Court: 41 of the 109 justices who have served on the Supreme Court had no judicial experience at all when they were nominated. These include several luminaries from the school of judicial restraint, including the late Chief Justice William Rehnquist.

But now Cornyn says —-

We really don’t know anything about how Ms. Kagan would perform as a judge if she was confirmed because she has no record,” Cornyn said.

“You need to stand back from that boy,” Juanita warns, “because he’s going to throw up in a minute.”

“It’s like watching a puppy find a place to sit down,” she grins.

.

Juanita’s friend Liz contends that the reason Republicans are so obsessed with s-e-x is because they are truly perverted people.  No, she means seriously perverted.  Liz thinks that these Republicans have oh so nasty and sick thoughts about hoochy-koochy, so they suspect that we all do, too.

“I think she’s on to something,” Juanita begins this morning as she dumps the coffee that Thelma made into the garbage can.  Thelma makes awful coffee, which might be the reason she’s been married 5 times.

“I don’t have really sicko thoughts about sparkin’,” Juanita admits.  “I’ll fess up to a little kinky, but not perverted.  The kind of noodlin’ I think about is your pretty standard stuff, with George Clooney or Dennis Quaid involved, but rarely both at the same time.”

“However, I cannot even imagine the sick thoughts in the head of George Rekers,” Juanita speculates.

“To go to the lengths he does to cover his self-loathing means that he thinks you think about the things he thinks about.  You don’t.  And that’s why you’re not self-loathing.  But, he thinks you do so he goes all mean on you to keep you from acting on these thoughts that you don’t even have,” Juanita explains while waving a hairbrush around for emphasis.

“Think about it.  He has to save himself from himself, so he might as well save you, too, because he thinks you’re weird, too.  You’re not, but he has convinced himself that his thinking is normal.  He’s just saving you from your nasty thoughts.”

“Well, come to find out, it is profitbale to think about nasty things.”

The state of Florida paid George Rekers — the anti-gay leader recently caught with a male escort — $120,000 to testify against allowing gay couples to adopt children, testimony that was deemed not credible by the judge.

Rekers was paid a $60,900 retainer. He also received a $59,793 payment for hourly billing, according to document provided to TPMmuckraker by the Department of Children and Families. That comes out to 402 hours at about $150 per hour. The payments were made by the office of the Florida attorney general, Bill McCollum, which was defending the DCF’s policy.

“Truth be known, it is the anti-gay activists who should not be allowed to adopt children because it is the anti-gay activists who are the sickos.”

“Damn George Rekers.  He screwed the taxpayers twice.  Once in his head and once in their pocket.”

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Juanita has come to depend on her friend El Jefe Bob for news on the BP Blowout in the Gulf of Mexico, giving her a two day head start over CNN.  El Jefe even has his own blog on Huffington Post now.

It does not look good.  It appears that the folks at BP need about a ton smart juice to get this mess cleaned up.

“They’ve been so slow that you’d think we were saving them to go fetch the doctor when the devil gets sicks,” Juanita observes.  “And now their bright idea is … well, they don’t have a bright idea.”

“They have horribly underestimated the likelihood of a spill and therefore horribly underestimated the consequences of something going wrong,” said Robert G. Bea, a professor at the University of California, Berkeley, who studies offshore drilling. “So what we have now is some equivalent of a fire drill with paper towels and buckets for cleanup.”

“It’s hurricane season.  The Gulf is about half an inch from becoming a giant Fry Daddy with a Mix Master in it.  And, they want to hold Congressional hearings on why the oil drilling industry wasn’t regulated better?” Juanita teeters on 4 inch heels between disgusted and incredulous.

“You don’t need no damn hearing.  I can tell you why – money.  The drilling industry spent their money buying politicians instead of clean-up materials.  This may be rocket fuel but it’s not rocket science.”

Note to BP – You broke it.  You buy it.

Note to Congress – You are broke.  Fix it.

.

“You know the difference between Sarah Palin and the Panama Canal, don’t you?  One’s a busy ditch,” Juanita says and then pauses a couple of seconds until Verdelia gets it.  Thelma, of course, never does.

Honest to Goodness Church in El Campo, Texas

Sarah Palin is back on her God and the Founding Fathers thing.  Sarah thinks the Founding Fathers really meant to make the Bill of Rights the Ten Commandments.

“If they did, they sure had the opportunity to do that,” Juanita reports, “but they didn’t.”

“Look, nobody loves Thomas Jefferson as much as I do, but he believed I shouldn’t have the right to vote or own property. In fact, I was considered property.   I am not going back to that.  I am not.  No, Sarah, no.  It didn’t work out for me.”

“But Sarah went on Bill O’Rielly’s show and by all reports, made me very angry,” Juanita says.

Palins’s advice: “Go back to what our founders and our founding documents meant — they’re quite clear — that we would create law based on the God of the bible and the ten commandments.

“What in hell scares people about talking about America’s foundation of faith?” Palin continued. “It is that world view that involves some people being afraid of being able to discuss our foundation, being able to discuss God in the public square, that’s the only thing I can attribute it to.”

“Sarah, Honey, we are not afraid to talk about the foundation of America.  We are not afraid to say that our founding fathers made some mistakes – unless, of course, you think slavery and disenfranchisement of women is hunkey dorey.  Which apparently some of you Republicans do.

Republican are attacking Elena Kagan for her support of Thurgood Marshall.

In its first memo to reporters since Kagan’s nomination to the high court became public, the Republican National Committee highlighted Kagan’s tribute to Marshall in a 1993 law review article published shortly after his death.

Kagan quoted from a speech Marshall gave in 1987 in which he said the Constitution as originally conceived and drafted was “defective.” She quoted him as saying the Supreme Court’s mission was to “show a special solicitude for the despised and the disadvantaged.”

“It is stinky to me that Sarah Palin can get away with secret-message-words like ‘God of the Bible’ to say that a Jewish woman shouldn’t be on the court.  It is totally stinky to me that ‘founding fathers’ has become a message-word for the politics of hate and exclusion,” Juanita stomps.

“Like I said – busy ditch.”

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As far as Juanita is concerned, the nomination of Elena Kagan is horse-high, bull-strong, pig-tight, and goose-proof.  That means there ain’t no way around it.

But the Republicans are still gonna try.

According to a leaked audio, they are willing to put up a losing fight just so they can fight.

“Even if it’s a nominee that we can’t seriously stop, we can accomplish several things, and so a hard fight is worthwhile,” Levey implored. “Certainly it can be to the political advantage of Republicans…. There’s everything to be gained from making the Supreme Court vacancy a campaign issue in 2010.”

“There’s broader goals such as just distracting Obama from other items on his agenda,” Levey added. “The tougher the fight the less capital and time and resources and floor time in the Senate there is to spend on immigration and climate change, etc.”

“How these Republicans can claim to love America is a mystery to me,” Juanita says, “because it’s perfectly clear that they don’t love Americans.”

“They are living proof that not everything that moves around in the dark is Santa Claus,” she shakes her head.  “These boys hide in a closet and play their fiddles while things out here are on fire.”

“And if they get to pick on a woman, that’s even more exciting for them.”

I think she’s right.

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Last weekend Juanita got an opportunity to meet with some girlfriends from foreign states.  The first subject they brought up was about our Governor killing a coyote.

Juanita has long figured that story is taller than it is wide.  Why else would the Gov wait a couple of months before bragging that he killed a puppy-eating coyote with his handy .380 Ruger loaded with hollow points bullets that he carries while jogging?  Nope, not this Governor.  This Governor would have brought back the pelt and hung it on the wall for the 5:00 news team to photograph.  Or had someone do it for him.  He seems a tad prissy to be handling yucky innards stuff himself.

Anyway, Juanita’s girlfriends were giggling about the idea that our Gov carries a Ruger in his jogging shorts.  “You’d think a man of sufficient proportions wouldn’t have room for anything extra in his shorts,” Verdelia surmised.

Another friend asked if it was really necessary to kill a coyote in Austin, Texas.  “Isn’t that kinda like killing a feral cat?” Glenda Sue wondered.  And then she surmised, “It must be a Republican thing.”

Maybe it is.

So, because Republicans and Democrats handle things differently, Juanita has taken it upon herself to write The Wiki Guide for Dealing With Coyotes.

Upon finding a coyote on your jogging path —

Republicans tap their foot three times to make sure it’s not “that” kind of encounter.  Democrats threaten reconciliation – but they just threaten; they never actually do it.

Republicans check their What Would Jesus Do bracelet and then blow the sucker’s brains out.  Democrats welcome displaced coyotes to the city and give them the Astrodome.

Republicans detain the coyote until it produces proof it was in the country legally.  Democrats demand verification that the fur was fair trade and that the Acme brand rocket skates are carbon neutral.

Republicans believe that the market will determine the political value of coyote stories.  Democrats believe they should be regulated by – oh, I dunno – the truth?

We hope this guide will help visiting dignitaries.