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You know it’s tough out there when the Republicans have to use their white sheets for another purpose.

Yep, gotta get that paint out before the next meetin’.

You can see this at the courthouse today.  And maybe tomorrow.

o

Those who have been around here for a while know that Juanita hates, hates, hates the electronic voting machines that we use in Fort Bend County.

“First, they require that you trust machines, which anybody who’s lost a quarter in a coke machine ought not to,” she starts.  “Then you have to trust a computer, which I don’t because those things up and die on you with no warning.  And when they die, they take everything with them.”

“And, finally,” she continues, “you have to trust the geeky people who program the machine.  Come on now, do you really trust that kid in third grade who ate paste and could do long division in his head?  I didn’t and I still don’t.”

And, as if to prove her point for her, the wildly expensive electronic voting machines we got suckered into buying several years ago when the federal government under George Bush was giving away money fast as he could failed today during the runoff.

“It’s taking much longer than natural to vote today because each voter is required to stand there, presumably eating paste, while the election officials call the voter office to confirm which primary this voter can vote in.  Were it not for the good work of AT&T, we would have 150 tin cans and string to confirm that you’re a voter,” she figures.

“It’s not just gosh-awful today because it’s just a primary run off, where only mothers of the candidates vote anyway, but if this were to happen on election day, it would be tar and feather time.  People do not want to stand there and wait while their personal information is being transferred over telephone lines to give them the okay to vote,” Juanita suspects.

“If this were to happen in November, which I have a feeling this might all be a dress rehearsal for in case Obama gets a big surge and local Republican start seeing their hold on the government teat disappearing, I am not going to be happy.”

If Juanita ain’t happy, nobody in ear shot or driving distance is gonna be happy.

“I want a paper ballot.  I do not like little twirly knobs and switches that cannot even be re-counted.  I want a damn paper ballot, proving that I voted.  Nobody would be standing around waiting today if we had paper ballots.  If we ran out of pencils, we could go buy some more.  This ain’t philosophy or physics.  This is simple.”

So if you’re standing around today waiting to vote and the telephone lines go down and we have to call the pony express to verify you being a voter, please know that Juanita is on your side.

o

Dear Ms. Falkenberg,

It was with great interest that I read your opinion piece about Governor Rick Perry misstating that the drop out rate in Texas schools is only 10% when it is actually at least 30%.

I also understand that Governor Perry blamed this, in part, on Texas children who die being counted as drop outs, accounting for 601  students out of the 134,000 who drop out every year.

And I also understand that Governor Perry says that some of these drop outs are actually students who transfer to other states, forgetting his own tout that Texas takes in more students than leave.

I am proud that you have dispelled Governor Perry’s myth that Texas education needs no improvement.

However, I do not concur with your opinion of what caused Governor Perry to spout that 20% of Texas schoolchildren do not figure into his record of success.  I take deep issue with your assessment that Governor Perry’s motives for this misstatement is “playing games with the numbers,” or that we can blame it on “impaired judgment to short-term memory loss to feelings of grandiosity.”

No, Ms. Falkenberg. Governor Perry said that because he’s a mean ignorant son of a bitch.

Thank you for your attention in this matter.

Love and Fried Okra,
Juanita Jean Herownself

o

We have a black President of the United States.

Some folks are having a terrible time adjusting to that.

A lot of them live in Texas.

And some of them have found a wonderful way to say that they want to go back to counting blacks as 3/5th of a person, women having no vote, and white property owning men getting the damn respect they deserve.  They call it Going Back to Our Founding Fathers.

They call themselves The Independent Conservative Republicans of Texas.  They have 5 thingies they believe in.

-Stand for conservative principals and to put people before Party.

-Fiscally accountable, limit the size of government, and fight for free market principles.

-Protect our borders and to support a strong military.

-Protect life, support strong family values, and uphold the Judeo-Christian beliefs our nation was founded upon.

-Honor the Constitution and protect the sovereign rights of Texas.

Those are some very pretty words that mean:  we believe in letting the banks own the country, the church own women’s bodies, the military industrial complex own the teenagers, nobody owns the Mexicans, and don’t forget to hate the Muslims, all because Jesus said so, dammit.

The Independent Conservative Republicans of Texas seems like an awfully long name for a bunch of old white guys scared witless by a world where someone dares to question that mental prowess, their physical strength, their amazing wisdom, and their lite beer.

Juanita suggests that we call them The Scared Witless Willies.

It’s a start.

o

…. Rick Green.  He’s currently in the GOP run-off hoping to beat an incumbent Democrat on the Texas Supreme Court in November.

“Honey, we can only grow this quality of crazzzy person in Texas.  Other states have tried, but David Vitter and Mark Sanford don’t come close in the long haul when placed against good ole Texas fertilizer,” Juanita says proudly.

“You know how up North they take crazy people and put them in the hospital and try to cure them?  Hell, in Texas we run them for Judge,” she explains.

Green once punched a political rival on election day 2006, and his four-year tenure as a legislator in the Texas House was marked by controversies like the time he filmed an TV infomercial for a nutritional supplement in his Capitol office.

But what has Texas liberal groups most worried is Green’s ideology.

“Uh huh, Babe, we don’t care that he hits people.  We don’t even care if he abuses the capitol building.  We’d even let him go hunting on  Appalachian trail.  That’s minor stuff considering that he’s so rightwing nutty that even Alberto Gonzales endorsed his Republican opponent. He’s drooling nuts,” Juanita is certain of that.

What Green does spend much of his time and energy on — in addition to a home-schooled family with four children who travel with him in a campaign bus emblazoned with a big family photo — is WallBuilders, “a national pro-family organization that presents America’s forgotten history and heroes, with an emphasis on our moral, religious and constitutional heritage.” Green’s campaign Web site said he “speaks to about 100,000 people in live audiences each year and millions more through radio and television.”

“Now, I doubt that he can win in November and he might be fun to run against,” Juanita suspects, “but I don’t believe in taking chances.”

“This will be a race to watch on Tuesday night.  It’ll tell us who is running the GOP in central Texas – Alberto Gonzales or Jerry Falwell.  Okay, so both are creepy.  I get that,” she nods.

o

You will not be shocked to know that Juanita has a suggestion for a replacement for Justice John Paul Stevens.

“First of all, it has to be woman,” she begins.  “Don’t even start with that whole ‘oh, two women in a row’ crapola.  Nobody ever complains when we have two men in a row do anything.”

“Next, it has to be a liberal.  I’m not talking a nice moderate-type woman like Judge Sotomayor.  I’m talking a knee-jerk, bleeding-heart, Palin-slappin’ witch liberal.  I’m talking somebody who’ll say, “Okay, so you boys wanted a corporation to be a person?  That’s cool, Baby.  Now start pouring the cement because Massey Energy is going to jail for negligent  homicide.”

“Look, the Hatemongers are going to object to anyone who Obama appoints.  The way I see it, we might as well get our money’s worth,”  Juanita says with conviction and bright red lipstick.

“I want a liberal female who will make Rush Limbaugh’s head explode and then stand over him with a switch until he cleans up the mess,” she says.

“I want Hillary Clinton.”

“Hillary Clinton would be a great Supreme Court Justice.  Putting her on the court would give her 20 years of influence.  I trust her with our laws and with being able to influence other people.  Plus, it would drive the rightwing out of their nutty little pointy heads.  She’s meaner than ten acres of snakes and she don’t back down.”

“I want you to give this some thought,” she suggests.

And, if it can’t be Hillary, I want my dear friend, State Representative Senfronia Thompson to get it.  Not only is she one of the smartest woman I know, she’s also one of the funniest.  She’s a hurricane with two eyes.  You wanna know how much junk she would put up with from Clarence Thomas or Antonin Scalia?  Count the feathers on a hog, Baby.  Just count ‘um.”

“The way I see it, the line-up is like this   –

1. Hillary
2. Senfronia
3.  Some damn fool”

“Anybody with suggestions is welcome to pipe-up,” she offers.  “But anybody who suggests a moderate man better find a hole because I’m coming after you with intent to barbeque.”

o