Juanita wishes to announce that The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., will be closed at lunchtime today for … well, lunch.  And early voting.

Juanita always votes on the first day of early voting because, “if you get hit by a truck tomorrow, your vote still counts!”

Our Democratic County Chairman here ain’t real bright.  In fact, some people flick her switch a couple times a day just to see if she’s on.  So, she agreed to a combined primary.  That means we have to walk in the same room as the Republicans and use the same voting machines.  Verdelia is carrying an 11 foot pole to vote because she won’t touch a Republican with a 10 foot one.  Juanita is wearing her platform knee-high boots, hoping to weave around all the snakes.  Wish them luck.

We’ll have pictures later today.

Juanita is just a tad jealous.  Just a tad.

Another haircare person is getting all the attention in Texas.  Farouk Shami, billionaire inventor of fabulous hair care products, is running for Governor.  Yes, of Texas.

And now he’s taken all the spotlight.

Here’s the latest you need to know about the race for Texas governor: Farouk Shami, the Houston hair-care magnate running for governor as a Democrat, is about to announce the invention of a blow dryer that grows hair.

That’s what I said. That’s what he said. Run this blow dryer over your shiny knob of a head and watch the hair sprout.

“Okay, this is big hair country.  How am I supposed to compete with some guy who can make hair grow?  This is just isn’t fair,” Juanita moans.  Then she reads on.

But, wait, there’s more.

Meeting with the Chronicle editorial board this morning, the inventor of the wildly popular Chi hair-straightener announced that the dryer also smooths out wrinkles on the face.

“Oh, hell, he wins,” she says.  “This guy can grown hair and remove wrinkles.  Honey, if he can figure out a way to loose 20 pounds overnight, we’ll let him be President.”

A wife lasts as long as a marriage, but an ex-wife is for the rest of your life.

Customer Sharon called Juanita this morning for an appointment and some news.

Though the State of Texas does not officially recognize same-sex marriages, a Travis County judge has approved a same-sex divorce.

Angelique Naylor and Sabina Daly married in Massachusetts five years ago.

I flat love the free state of Travis County, where people sit around all day thinking up ways to hack off the religious right.  We should give them an award for that.

Juanita agrees.  “Hey Travis County, the next round’s on me!”

Juanita first heard about it from Bob and she’s been a little bit giddy ever since.

Sugar Land might, just might, get a minor league ball team

“Oh, be still my heart,” Juanita grins.  “As you know, God does not take away from your allotted time on earth any time spent at the ballpark.  It’s almost heaven.”

Banjo thinks we should call the team Sugar Daddies.  Juanita thinks that would certainly be most appropriate for Sugar Land, but probably for different reasons than Banjo thinks!

“I do not care what you call them, just call them safe at homeplate,” Juanita requests.

“So it’s not bad enough that Alberto Gonzalez is teaching at Texas Tech,” Juanita moans this morning, “noooooooo….. we have to insure that Texas universities shame themselves even more.”

Baylor University is expected to name Ken Starr as their president.

“This is a real jerky thing to do,” Juanita explains while wearing her “I Heart The Big Dog” tee-shirt honoring Presidents Day, “because Ken Starr isn’t even a Baptist.”

“Now I know that Baptist fight among themselves more than any other religion on earth, so I suspect they couldn’t agree on a fellow Baptist to lead their largest educational institution.  So, instead, they picked a member of the Church of Crapola.”

“I have no idea what Ken Starr will do as President of Baylor, but I suspect it’ll cost millions of dollars, take 5 years, and end up with a blue dress.”

She’s probably right.

Juanita sat me down and showed me a video tape of a candidate forum that took place last week.  Juanita lives in a Democratic district with a Democrat representing her in the Texas Lege.  Well, kinda.

Several years ago, Juanita fell madly out of love with her State Rep, Dora Olivo, when Dora kept referring to people who live on the east end of the district, as “them.”  The people on the east end of the district are predominately African American.  When Juanita asked Dora who “them” are, Dora replied, “Oh, you know – them.”

No, Juanita didn’t know.  Still doesn’t.  However, she highly suspects that she knows what Dora meant when Dora said, “You know what I mean.  We have to let them be county chair so that they will go along with us.”  Uh huh.  Us.  Them.

Juanita fell out of love very quickly.

Dora was the deciding vote in the Lege to put a referendum about gay marriage on a November ballot, which insured that Republicans got to the polls to vote against it.  Dora felt it’s more important that we take a stand against gay people having rights than it is to elect Democrats.

Dora also opposes stem cell research, a woman’s right to choice, and, as you will see from the video, people asking her to speak up.  You are not allowed to question the decisions of The Dora.

Dora came to the forum armed for bear.  She was going to go after her African American opponent with both barrels loaded.  However, Dora’s underlying rudeness, personal grudges, and exaggeration of the facts came screaming through, showing for all the world to see why she has never gotten any important piece of legislation passed.  You can watch it all for yourself at Hal’s Bar and Grill.

But the comment that made Juanita’s blood run colder than a well digger’s shovel in Dalhart was this one about stem cell research.  Her opponent suggested that Dora should represent the Democratic Party.  Dora disagrees…

“You know there’s people here that in Fort Bend County, there’s a lot of church people here in Fort Bend County that believe, don’t believe in embryonic stem cell research their whole life, you know. And I’m pro-life, you know. And this has been my position all this time.”

Church people?  What church people?  I’m a church people.

“Being against the opportunity to give millions of people  an chance to live productive lives is a brand of hateful that you can’t buy off the rack.  You have to have that that kind of hateful custom fit,” Juanita says.  “But, it gets worse.  She is also denying the millions of dollars in economic development to the greater Houston area with our medical research capability.”

And to make shivers run up good Democrats spines, Dora then says she agrees with the nutty idea of the Republican proposition to require sonograms:

Next she starts running backwards faster than a bullet with legs and says she would merely require doctors to suggest a sonogram.  I think that’s worse.  “I want Dora Olive to get the hell outta my doctor’s office,” Juanita demands.

Juanita announces, “Let me assure you that there are other Catholic Democrats in Austin and they vote the Democratic Platform.  It’s time we expect the same from our Representative.”

“There is only one other elected Democratic official in Fort Bend supporting Dora.  He’s a Catholic, too.  That’s a damn shame,” Juanita shakes her head and sighs.  “I don’t like it when the Super DeLux Brand Christians try to force fundamentalism down my throat, and I don’t like it when Catholics do it either.”

And then you get to see the real Dora Olivo:

And, yes, that flash of sarcasm toward the older woman who could not hear is a constant in Dora’s dealings with people she considers beneath her.  “And that, too, is a damn shame,” Juanita concludes.

“The sad part is that while Dora sticks to her church’s teachings about my body, she doesn’t stick to her church’s teaching about her mouth,” Juanita concludes.  “She will run a dirty campaign with a last minute false hit piece  paid for by Republicans.  It might work again and that’s the tragedy of Dora Olivo.”