Archive for February, 2010

Hint #1: He Wants To Take A “Friend” On The Honeymoon

February 03, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Here's the Deal

Juanita feels compelled to comment on Jenny Sanford, Gov. Mark’s Sanford soon to be the Ex-Mrs. Wonderful, and her interview with Barbara Walters.

South Carolina first lady Jenny Sanford recalls how she made the “leap of faith” to marry husband Gov. Mark Sanford even though the groom refused to promise to be faithful, insisting that the clause be removed from their wedding vows.

“Honey, if a man wants to write his own marriage vows, that’s fine,” she postulates.  “However, if those vows include you being in charge of taking out the garbage, Washing the truck, and doing all the cooking,” you might want to stop meeting men under the glow of neon lights.”

She’s just saying.

And the Hot Polls Just Keep on a’ Comin’

February 02, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Sumbitches

Juanita wants you to know that the latest Rusmussen Poll shows Perry with 44%, Hutchison 29%, Medina 16%.

That means we get a few more turns around the dance floor with this race and somebody gets to pick up the scraps when it’s over.  It also shows that Texas Republicans favor a sissy little boy who makes George Bush look like a Mensa member and — ta da! — who cannot win in November.

Juanita is a happy woman.  Yes, she is.

Six More Weeks

February 02, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Steeple People, Uncategorized

Well, Punxsutawney Phil poked his head up and promptly upchucked, so that means 6 more weeks of campaigning.

“Six more weeks of Kay clawing and Rick twitching at each other,” Thelma sighs heavily.  “I dunno know if we’ll survive this in my blessed Republican Party.  It’s just got us all divided up.  I mean, I don’t want to pick between Sarah Palin or Dick Cheney when it comes to ruling Texas.  That’s a hard choice.  Last night at the Belles of Heaven Republican Women’s Club meeting, we officially suspended having to act like Christians for the next six weeks so that our members can campaign properly.”

Thelma pauses while everybody in the shop stands stunned at that reasoning.

“We did,” she assures us.  “And there’s some things that need to be said about our local candidates that just putting them on the prayer list doesn’t quite cover.”

Oh, we can’t wait for this.  It’s gonna be good.

Thelma did ask Juanita which Republican she wanted to see win in the Governor’s race, trying to get a feel for who Democrats think would be the easiest to beat.

“Thelma, Baby, there ain’t gonna be enough left of any of the three of them to fret about,” Juanita assured her.

Famous Writer’s School

February 01, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Sumbitches

You, too, can be a well dressed famous writer.  All you have to do is run for office.

Juanita is is gleeful this afternoon at the news that Sarah Palin is double dippping – again.

Sarah Palin has been using her political action committee to buy up thousands of copies of her book, “Going Rogue,” in order to mail copies of the memoir to her donors, newly filed campaign records show.

The former Alaska governor and 2008 Republican vice presidential candidate had her political organization spend more than $63,000 on what her reports describe as “books for fundraising donor fulfillment.” The payments went to Harper Collins, her publisher, and in some instances to HSP Direct, a Virginia-based direct mail fundraising firm that serves a number of well-known conservative politicians and pundits.

“Now, I know they do this for Ann Coulter.  The Heritage Foundation buys up her books to get her on the best seller list and then re-sells them to their donors for $1.00,” Juanita says.

“So this little card game is something that’s been going on for a while.  I guess I just never ceased to be amazed at the Republican Greed Machine,” she grins.  “The GOP is so thick with snakes that you have to walk around on stilts.”

The Sheriff and the Contagion

February 01, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Local Stuff

If you ever needed proven scientific evidence that goofy is contagious, you can nominate Juanita for the Nobel Prize in Figuring Stuff Out because she’s got it.

We have a three way race in the Republican primary for District Attorney of Fort Bend County.  That’s mainly because the current DA has about as much flash as a dead battery and all the courtroom skills of Hamilton Burger

One of his opponents, Richard D. Raymond, was groomed by our goofy sheriff, Milton Wright.  And, Baby, it shows.

As I told you in another incarnation, Richard D. Raymond is asking voters to do something that he’s never done before in his whole life: vote in a non-Presidential primary.

So when he says he’s a “proven conservative,” he must have proven it on a NARCAR track because he sure hasn’t proven it at the voting booth.

Somebody dropped off some Richard D Raymond for DA pushcards at the beauty salon.  We’re saving those suckers because they are printed on such heavy shiny paper that you could use them to scrape paint.

I parked the big copies of these over yonder for your entertainment.

“Now I know this guy has zero experience in criminal law,” Juanita starts, “but it appears that he has no idea what a DA does for a living.  He seems to think he’s running for United States Senate or President.  It’s gonna come as great shock to him if he wins that he doesn’t get to change existing law according to his whim.”

Right there on the front of his pushcard, it says, “Pro-Family, Pro-Life Conservative Leadership.”  “What the hell is that?” Juanita wonders, “He is not going to follow current law?  Is that what he’s saying?  What the heck does a small town District Attorney have to do with abortion?  Is he gonna collect all the coathangers or something?”

“Then on the back, he proclaims, “Pro-Life, Pro-Family, Pro-Second Amendment leader who supports secure borders,” she says with amazement.  “Secure borders with whom?  Montgomery County?  Harris County?  Okay, so maybe I could support that Harris County thing.”

“Unless he’s making a campaign promise to take his 2nd Amendment deer rifle down to the valley on the weekends and walked back and forth between Brownsville and Progresso looking real mean, that’s a pretty empty sounding deal,”  Juanita chuckles.  “He might want to check his On-Star, because we ain’t got a border with Mexico.”

Juanita says she has no idea what Pro-Family means, but she might be kinda leary to use the example currently in use by Mr. Raymond’s supporters at the Sheriff’s Department.  “At the sheriff’s department, they so pro-family that most of them have several. “

And maybe John Edwards did this to Juanita, but the more a man talks about being pro-family and “a loving husband,” the more she wonders when the paternity suit is coming.  Raymond has it three times on one brochure.

Under his “Integrity” claims, he lists that he a long-time member” of a church, an active member of the Exchange Club, and then he runs kinda dry.  So, he lists “men’s Bible Study” and “The Christian Children’s Fund.”  He’s just making stuff up now.

Juanita is kicking herself on the rump because Democrats didn’t run anybody for this seat.

Same Deal – New Gender

February 01, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Goat Rodeos

First it was hot checks.

Then it was funny money.

Now it’s fancy pants.

Sarah Palin did it. Debra Medina did it. So why can’t Hank Gilbert?

It’s not just women. The Democratic agriculture commissioner candidate has spent $2,192 on clothes from his campaign contributions, an increasingly popular ethics conundrum.

The Texas Ethics Commission tells candidates not to use campaign expenditures for personal use, although there are certain gray areas like dry cleaning and cowboy hats for campaign appearances.

Gilbert said he bought clothes from western wear shop Cavender’s, Kohl’s and Men’s Wearhouse solely for the campaign. He said he will give it to charity at the end of the race, just as he did when he ran in 2006.

You know the difference between the Boy Scouts and Hank Gilbert’s campaign for Ag Commissioner?  The Boy Scouts have adult leadership.

“I like Hank Gilbert,” Juanita says, “I truly do.  But if Hank is folding like a cheap suitcase against Kinky Friedman, I don’t even want to imagine what’s gonna happen in November.  He’s going to have to spend a campaign explaining checks and boots.  Come to think of it, Hank’s whole campaign is beginning to sound like a country / western song.”

“A couple of months ago, a local politician around here asked me rustle up a thousand bucks to give Hank.  Phew, I’m glad I held on to my money,” Juanita says while starting a pot of coffee before opening the salon, “because if I’m gonna dress a man, it’s gonna be Dennis Quaid.”