Thank you, Jack Ohman —

Juanita Jean likes cowboys.  So, when Hank Gilbert decided to re-enter politics, she was pleased.  But then Hank couldn’t decide what horse to ride, who was in charge of paying the band, or who his dance partner is.  It was a goat rodeo.

Hank finally decided on running for ag commission.  It did not commence well.  It was kinda like he was rared up and ready stumble.

“It’s gonna take a faith healer, a voodoo doll, and a 20 car prayer meeting to get this guy’s campaign back on track,” Juanita moans.  “After today, it appears the hoedown is over.”

We got a proud email from Hank yesterday announcing grandly that he had the endorsement of National Farmers Union President Roger Johnson.  “Why, maybe Hank’s back in the saddle,” we thought out loud.

Come to find out this morning, not so much.

National Farmers Union President Roger Johnson said he didn’t endorse Hank Gilbert for Texas agriculture commissioner as a recent Gilbert campaign release stated.

Johnson met with the Democratic contender last week at an Abilene convention but said he didn’t give him an endorsement. He said he was not endorsing anyone, either as an individual or the head of an organization. The National Farmers Union doesn’t endorse state candidates.

Oh, crap.

Gilbert’s campaign attempted made matters worse with a bean dip dumb comment:  “We made a mistake,” he said. “We’ve had so many endorsements over the last week that we confused one.”

“Well, see, that confuses me,” Juanita says, “because I didn’t get blazing colors emails about the others.”

“He’s throwing us into Kinky Friedman’s arms,” Juanita moans, “and, Honey, there have been some things in Kinky’s arms that require an environmental impact study just to move across the room.  I’m not overly anxious to be there, but at least he seems to know what he’s doing most the time.”

I suspect she heard me snort.  “I said MOST!” she reiterated.

Can anyone explain to us how John Boehner can stay out of jail for doing this?

Last week, House Minority Leader John Boehner of Ohio made a pitch to Democratic contributor James Dimon, the chairman and chief executive of J.P. Morgan, over drinks at a Capitol Hill restaurant, according to people familiar with the matter.

Mr. Boehner told Mr. Dimon congressional Republicans had stood up to Mr. Obama’s efforts to curb pay and impose new regulations. The Republican leader also said he was disappointed many on Wall Street continue to donate their money to Democrats, according to the people familiar with the matter.

So here’s the deal, Wall Street:  Give us money and we’ll let you rape, pillage and plunder American.  But first you have to … show us the money.

Boehner, Dude, you’re extorting this guy.  Then to add hot coal to that inferno, you’re letting the American people know you prefer fat cat bonus checks to helping get jobs in the heartland.  Boehner, your soul is starting to match your skin color.

Hey, maybe Democrats didn’t stay bought by the fat cats, huh?  Maybe that’s a good thing, Huh?

Most of you know Buck Pochek.  Buck has been hanging around the beauty salon this week hoping to get a date for the VFW Valentine’s Dance.  That’s not an easy task because last year he got drunk and spent most of the evening passed out on the table, looking for all the world like a centerpiece with his white sports coat and pink carnation.   Somebody struck a tulip in his mouth and called him “an arrangement.”

His date, the unpetite Lillie Frontage, stole his truck keys, his wallet, and – just for good measure – his boots.  Lillie still tells people that there wasn’t enough money in Buck’s wallet to pay for the humiliation.  But, then again, no man has enough money to pay for the humiliation – just ask Jenny Sanford or Elizabeth Edwards.

So, while hound doggin’ for a date, Buck struck up a conversation with one of Thelma’s new customers, trying to convince her that the Republican threat to filibuster the job’s bill was his idea.  “Yep,” he said, “when the government starts telling a man he has to have a job, that’s where I get off this train to socialism,” Buck announced.

“Buck, the jobs bill doesn’t mandate work,” Juanita told him.  “Cripes, Buck, you’re upwind from the IQ shop again.”

“Besides,” she grins, “Senate Republicans can threaten to filibuster all they want.  They can’t do it.  They can’t.  All of them are too old to go half an hour without a bathroom break.  So, let them threaten all they want to.  It’ll be the first time that C-Span has had to broadcast from a urinal.”

As I may have mentioned before, Thelma is a provisional member of the Belles of Heaven Republican Women’s Club.  She’s been provisional for 2 years now, what with her three ex-husbands, and her wardrobe choices.  Just as Thelma gets close to being accepted as a regular member, she get her status extended due to a bad accessory choice or one stinkin’ little tryst with a deputy constable which really shouldn’t count because, after all, it was a Republican deputy constable.

So, anyway, Thelma spends a large part of her day practicing for acceptance as a Belle.  She reads her Bible, makes several calls to the president of the Belles to put people on the prayer list, listens to Rush, and practices her tsk-tsk moves in front of a mirror.

Juanita thinks that prayer list thingy is just the way Republican women gossip.  It goes like this: Thelma calls Betty Sue and says, “We should put Norma on the prayer list.”  Betty Sue asks why, knowing full well that Norma’s husband just ran off the with Edna’s Bloomin’ DeeLights Flowers delivery guy.  “Well, she’s having trouble in her marriage,” Thelma continues.

“She is?  Oh dear,” Betty Sue replies. “Is there anything in particular I should ask Jesus to do for Norma?”

Thelma quickly, without thinking much, replies, “Yeah, you can ask Jesus to make her husband’s winkie fall off before he starts making out with the entire front line of the Dallas Cowboys.”  Thelma then catches herself and adds, “pray that poor Norma finds comfort by running for the school board and putting Jesus back in the schools so people won’t catch gay. ”

This is called gossip among Democratic women.  Among Republican woman, it’s called asking Jesus to help our sisters.

This week, it has become Republican women’s job to be half a truckload ditzy.  The commandment came down from on high.

Jan Larimer, co-chair of the Republican National Committee, no less, is trying to recruit Republican women candidates.  She was quoted as saying —-

“Women sometimes need a little more handholding, or they need their friends to help them make a decision. And by our going in and talking to them and recruiting and educating and training them to either get involved in a campaign or become a candidate, we’re giving them the tools so that they can do that on their own,” Larimer added.

Thelma spent the better part of the afternoon standing in front of the Coke machine asking, “Hummmm … Juanita, can you help me?  Pepsi or Coke?  Pepsi or Coke?  Could you please come hold my hand and help me with this decision?  I don’t have my Republican Woman Tools yet.”

So, I suspect I do not have to explain why Juanita came chasing after Thelma with a curling iron with intent to damage Thelma’s already over-processed hair.

Juanita said, “If anybody can make women look bad, leave it to a Republican woman.”

Juanita said that; yes, she did.

Juanita has recently been informed that President Barack Obama has told Democratic lawmakers that they need to get out of the echo chamber.  Then he got specific —

President Obama had some advice for Democratic senators at a conference in D.C. today: stop watching TV and reading blogs.

He added, however, that it is fine to go to Juanita’s to get your hair cut.

Juanita is just sure of that.  “This is not a blog,” she insists.  “I am horribly unqualified to be a blogger.”

And she likes how President Obama is anxious and willing to do more of those Q and A’s with Republicans.  The Republicans, however, not so much.