Who We Are

JUANITA JEAN HEROWNSELF – Juanita is owner of The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., Fort Bend’s only professional political organization. Her main qualification to comment on Texas politics is that she owns pink cowboy boots. Not just one pair, but several. Most likely, you don’t.

Through diligent research, it has been discovered that Juanita is the daughter of Judge Clyve T. “ByGawd” Bell and his bride, the lovely and talented Lillie Jean Bell, who was known in a four county area for her unique ability to lasso while singing opera.

Juanita graduated from Elite Beauty School in Del Rio, Texas, (whose motto is: We never heard of you either) first in her class, and after a brief stint with the Buck Pochek Professional Waterskiing and Ring-O’-Fire Extravaganza, she settled down in Richmond. Her first husband, Bubba Hank, died in a semi-tragic Nascar pit stop accident. Juanita has found no good reason to remarry.

BUCK POCHEK – head honcho in charge of The Good Folks at Buck Pochek’s Rural Entertainment Promoters and General Purpose Feed Store. In Juanita’s words, “Buck Pochek is living proof that maybe God created one gender too many.”

Buck has glow-in-the-dark business cards with the ink still wet, prefers neon light to sunlight, fixes stubborn traffic lights with a handy 12 gauge shotgun, lists being able to roll back an odometer as job skill on his resume, and has been married so often that they keep his name permanently on the bridal registry down at the hardware store.

Buck drives an old Cadillac that suffered severe hail damage years ago. He collected the insurance money but spent it on a trip to Gulfport, Mississippi, where he met the fourth Mrs. Pochek. Buck’s car sports the remnants of several bumper stickers – Buck’s favorite is an obscene gesture with “Nuke This, Saddam!”

Buck has spent some time in jail for insurance fraud, mooning a gun control rally, and assault with a toilet seat (the details of which are better left to sealed court records). Buck’s main source of income is his Army disability check and some residuals from a couple of slip and fall accidents lately.

THELMA LUCILLE FRONTAGE – still wears her 1968 Homecoming Queen tiara to every Lamar Consolidated Homecoming game. “It’s tradition,” she explains, but most people think it’s just because Thelma ain’t parked too close to the curb. Her seat ain’t in the full, upright and locked position. Buck once kept Thelma busy at the library for a month trying to figure out the speed of dark.

Thelma greatly enjoyed her four pregnancies – especially the part where she became the three time land speed world record holder for eating Twinkies. Thelma gained a few pounds over the years, and while it is not true that she capsized a tugboat once, she does use a semi-trailer inner tube as the required standard life preserver on river outings. Thelma holds the national distinction of being the only 350 pound amateur golfer with a completely leopard skin and feather golf cart.

Thelma’s hairdressing skills include the highest beehive hairdo in the state of Texas. “The taller the hair, the closer to God,” is her motto. She is a provisional member of the Belles of Heaven Republican Women’s Club.

BUBBA X – is a classic model relic from the 1960s, complete with a brief but highly productive membership in the Black Panthers, where he was known under another name prior to the FBI relocating him to the Greater Sugar Land area, where he could blend-in relatively unnoticed. All went well for three days. Then BubbaX applied for employment as head golf pro at Sugar Creek Country Club, totally unaware that golfing skills were somewhat necessary for such a job. After several months of litigious threats and butt-stompin’s, BubbaX accepted the position of bartender at Buck’s newest icehouse, although he felt it was a waste of his corporate managerial skills and his almost complete collection of self-help tapes.

He adopted the name BubbaX following an ill-fated attempt to sell life insurance door-to-door in Quail Valley, when he was known simply as Bubba. Bubba’s size – he looks like he might have eaten his brother – and his opening line to sell life insurance – “You never know when you’re going to die.” – was not as successful as he had hoped. He caught a bad case of attitude following several trips to the Grand Jury and added the X to his name. It has stayed like a comfortable pair of shoes.

Primo Encarnación y Hachecristo – Primo started his career at the Salon as a hair sweeper and general handyman but quickly worked his way up to Deputy Director of Homeland Security for the World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon (DDHS/WMDBS). Above his desk (actually, a disused styling station due to a permanently clogged sink) is a sign which reads “NO TERRORIST ATTACKS SINCE: Feb 2, 2012.” That was the day Buck Pochek lost his brakes and ran his Cadillac through the front window. Primo and his cousin, Jesus Hachecristo, “relocated” some heavy planters from in front of The Power and The Glory Megachurch to prevent a repeat, and so won the security gig.

Primo is also the bass player for Freakin’ Freddie and the Pearl-handled Frontloaders, a Bitchin’ Betty and the Sequined Backhoes tribute band. They had a minor hit of their own with their cover of “You Can’t Spell Crazy Without AZ.” He draws the line at playing in drag, except for those rare occasions when he sits in with the Backhoes.

EL JEFE – El Jefe met Juanita Jean some years ago when he opened El Jefe’s Beer, Bread, and Pickle Emporium just up the road from the World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon. He savors anything made with his home grown yeast, but especially those things that go well with his South Texas Pucker Up & Slap Yo’ Knee Bread n’ Butter pickles, made especial for the Holidays and coming soon to an HEB near you.

A native Texan, El Jefe’s is proud to be the great-great grandson of Napoleon Bonaparte Fisher who joined the Texas Rangers in 1860. He was born in North Texas to a jen-u-wine Bible-thumping praise and glory preacher and to the daughter of a jen-u-wine Bible-thumping praise and glory preacher, receiving more Bible & ear lobe thumping before he was 6 than most are privileged to get in a lifetime. Because of his pure and crystal-clear upraising, he now practices his own spiritual tradition of worshiping every Sunday at Our Lady of the Perpetual Bloody Mary & New York Times. He was elected Deacon of the parish many years ago.

El Jefe rants regularly on social media, and is an equal opportunity insulter of all proclivities. He’s sure he’ll insult you, too, and likes to proclaim that he’s old enough to not care about what you think of him or his hand crafted pointy toed roach killer boots made way-the-hell-out-there in Fredericksburg just for him.

So there.

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63 Comments to “Who We Are”

  1. sophia gaibort says:

    just found ya
    already luv ya
    proud to see another Texas woman making a mark
    or leaving one if need be
    you are now listed with Ann Richards, Barbara Jordan and Molly Ivins, in the “bad ass texas lass” part of my heart!

  2. Rilly, now, ladies. Y’all gotta keep yer composher, er. composter, er, you gotta behave yerselfs. I am so imbarrased 2 hear this kind of trashy talk. It brangs bak those days when I was the youngest of fourteen that had to grow up on Unkle Opher’s back porch, right next to the outhouse. What wood Momma say?

  3. Dear Miss Juanita Jean Herownself:

    I was delighted to read your post about the Pauls. I would have been far happier reading their obituary, but one does with what one has.

  4. T.J. Smith says:

    I am Texas born and bred and there is nothing more exciting than hearing one of our own speak up , stand and not give a hoot who cares to put a brand on her. Keep it up. All of us Texas Sisters support you.

  5. Linda Phipps says:

    Thank you, reading this has been the most productive I have been all day at work. I haven’t had this much fun since Cuccinelli (here in the old Dominion) was defeated!

  6. The stilletto knife is not spelled with the double “l l”. (According to dictionary.com.)
    Even spellchecker catches it.

  7. Blue Texas, I thought I was alone, I have been here a short time, I hope you are REAL.

  8. Joseph Stans says:

    Bless you. You bring a little ray of reason to an otherwise foolish world.

  9. Del Rio, Texas native living in Austin. Love what you do!

  10. Why didn’t I find the World’s Most Dangerous Beauty SOONER? My god! What great satirical writing, and yes, I believe that some of the articles and of course the comments would be grounds for 5-10 in some states! (Can one put bail on credit cards these days and earn the “bonus points”?)

    I’m not a Texan, but I did have some family-members who lived in San Antonio (my mama’s cousin who was run down by a drunk-driver in a pickup at 6:00 a.m. on the way to the golf course.) I also had an extremely eccentric cousin who lived in Austin for a few years. I went to visit them back in ’95, and found out for myself why it is called the “Live Music Capital of the U.S.” (Or is it in the world?) WOW! Austin seems like a decent place for a Progressive thinker and activist. Sadly, the likes of Gov. Ann Richards, and then the (late) great Molly Ivins are no longer with us. My cousin moved on to Abilene, where he practiced medicine and belonged to the local Democratic club, which had about all of seven members. Got caught up with Kinky Friedman, and shared a few good visits and discussions. (I think they had a lot in common.)

    Although the above doesn’t by any means make me anything other than the California native that I am (and former resident of London, England, and Brooklyn, NY and back again.) But I’m definitely going to have to make an appointment at the Dangerous Beauty Salon. I so like danger, especially of the political kind! Don’t have enough hair for a beehive, so that makes me a long way from any kind of deity, but hell, I’m gonna honor my “commitment” to stop by frequently.

    I just can’t keep my mouth-to-keyboard reflexes to myself, so I think I landed in the perfect “salon”! (Fortunately, I have enough judges and “legal-eagles” in my family! All very true Progressives, despite one in a very decidedly “Red” state. Shhhh! If I’m in trouble in the right place and wrong time, which is nothing new [I did go to university in the late-60s, after all] to my résumé, I’m counting on one of my relatives to get me the hell off!)

    I can’t say enough about how great this website is, and the articles that are dug up by your followers are terrific. Now I’m going to have to start scouring not just the Internet (too easy) but print media as well!

    Well done, “Juanita Jean” and your “most eclectic” staffers!
    And hats off to all those whose comments have provided me with more than a few hours of “thoughtful, provocative, hilarious-laugh-my-arse-off” satire and humor!

    Juanita Jean you’re a “star” in the Lone Star State.

  11. Heheheheheh. Yeah, I guess anybody living in Texas who has an IQ above room temperature and votes (or wants to) an inch to the left of Reagan eventually goes a little bit crazy. Have fun, you guys!

    Some reference facts: Arizona is not crazy, it’s *weird*; there’s a difference. For one thing, we’ve got no racial majority. No kidding. At last sight, our population was a little over 30% White, a little under 30% Indian (no, I will not use that phony PC euphemism; we *weren’t* the first people here — the Clovis Point people were), almost exactly 30% mixed White-and-Indian (which is exactly what a Latino is), a little over 5% Black and a little under 5% Asian. It’s not exactly a Red state either; the number of voters registered Libertarian and Independent outnumber the ones registered Republican and Democrat. It’s the only state in the union with ballots printed in English, Spanish, and Tohono O’odam. It’s also one state in the union where the Indians didn’t lose; we still own outright one-sixth of the state, including the best silver mines.

    So, pleeztameetcha, Texas weirdos! Any time the neighborhood gets to be too much, come out here for a visit. Come to Sedona and dance with the witches, or come to Azusa and spend your money at an Indian casino, or come down to the border and watch the 800-year-old war between the Aztecs and the Pueblos play out its latest incarnation, and wind it up with a week at the Glendale Folk Festival where you can see Indians playing bagpipes. Have fun! And be assured that you aren’t the only weirdos in the southwest.

    –Leslie <

  12. “Thelma ain’t parked too close to the curb” – love these phrases.

  13. Bettieann says:

    ‘Way down South here, we say, “It’s not the heat–it’s the stupidity!” And boy, is that right!

    Bettieann? Yeah, Granddaddy spelled it that way and it’s fine with me!

    Folks over at Sheila Kennedy have mentioned y’all a lot, so I thought I’d sneak here and check ya out. Y’all all right tonight?


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