Who We Are

JUANITA JEAN HEROWNSELF – Juanita is owner of The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., Fort Bend’s only professional political organization. Her main qualification to comment on Texas politics is that she owns pink cowboy boots. Not just one pair, but several. Most likely, you don’t.

Through diligent research, it has been discovered that Juanita is the daughter of Judge Clyve T. “ByGawd” Bell and his bride, the lovely and talented Lillie Jean Bell, who was known in a four county area for her unique ability to lasso while singing opera.

Juanita graduated from Elite Beauty School in Del Rio, Texas, (whose motto is: We never heard of you either) first in her class, and after a brief stint with the Buck Pochek Professional Waterskiing and Ring-O’-Fire Extravaganza, she settled down in Richmond. Her first husband, Bubba Hank, died in a semi-tragic Nascar pit stop accident. Juanita has found no good reason to remarry.

BUCK POCHEK – head honcho in charge of The Good Folks at Buck Pochek’s Rural Entertainment Promoters and General Purpose Feed Store. In Juanita’s words, “Buck Pochek is living proof that maybe God created one gender too many.”

Buck has glow-in-the-dark business cards with the ink still wet, prefers neon light to sunlight, fixes stubborn traffic lights with a handy 12 gauge shotgun, lists being able to roll back an odometer as job skill on his resume, and has been married so often that they keep his name permanently on the bridal registry down at the hardware store.

Buck drives an old Cadillac that suffered severe hail damage years ago. He collected the insurance money but spent it on a trip to Gulfport, Mississippi, where he met the fourth Mrs. Pochek. Buck’s car sports the remnants of several bumper stickers – Buck’s favorite is an obscene gesture with “Nuke This, Saddam!”

Buck has spent some time in jail for insurance fraud, mooning a gun control rally, and assault with a toilet seat (the details of which are better left to sealed court records). Buck’s main source of income is his Army disability check and some residuals from a couple of slip and fall accidents lately.

THELMA LUCILLE FRONTAGE – still wears her 1968 Homecoming Queen tiara to every Lamar Consolidated Homecoming game. “It’s tradition,” she explains, but most people think it’s just because Thelma ain’t parked too close to the curb. Her seat ain’t in the full, upright and locked position. Buck once kept Thelma busy at the library for a month trying to figure out the speed of dark.

Thelma greatly enjoyed her four pregnancies – especially the part where she became the three time land speed world record holder for eating Twinkies. Thelma gained a few pounds over the years, and while it is not true that she capsized a tugboat once, she does use a semi-trailer inner tube as the required standard life preserver on river outings. Thelma holds the national distinction of being the only 350 pound amateur golfer with a completely leopard skin and feather golf cart.

Thelma’s hairdressing skills include the highest beehive hairdo in the state of Texas. “The taller the hair, the closer to God,” is her motto. She is a provisional member of the Belles of Heaven Republican Women’s Club.

BUBBA X - is a classic model relic from the 1960s, complete with a brief but highly productive membership in the Black Panthers, where he was known under another name prior to the FBI relocating him to the Greater Sugar Land area, where he could blend-in relatively unnoticed. All went well for three days. Then BubbaX applied for employment as head golf pro at Sugar Creek Country Club, totally unaware that golfing skills were somewhat necessary for such a job. After several months of litigious threats and butt-stompin’s, BubbaX accepted the position of bartender at Buck’s newest icehouse, although he felt it was a waste of his corporate managerial skills and his almost complete collection of self-help tapes.

He adopted the name BubbaX following an ill-fated attempt to sell life insurance door-to-door in Quail Valley, when he was known simply as Bubba. Bubba’s size – he looks like he might have eaten his brother – and his opening line to sell life insurance – “You never know when you’re going to die.” – was not as successful as he had hoped. He caught a bad case of attitude following several trips to the Grand Jury and added the X to his name. It has stayed like a comfortable pair of shoes.

Primo Encarnación y Hachecristo – Primo started his career at the Salon as a hair sweeper and general handyman but quickly worked his way up to Deputy Director of Homeland Security for the World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon (DDHS/WMDBS). Above his desk (actually, a disused styling station due to a permanently clogged sink) is a sign which reads “NO TERRORIST ATTACKS SINCE: Feb 2, 2012.” That was the day Buck Pochek lost his brakes and ran his Cadillac through the front window. Primo and his cousin, Jesus Hachecristo, “relocated” some heavy planters from in front of The Power and The Glory Megachurch to prevent a repeat, and so won the security gig.

Primo is also the bass player for Freakin’ Freddie and the Pearl-handled Frontloaders, a Bitchin’ Betty and the Sequined Backhoes tribute band. They had a minor hit of their own with their cover of “You Can’t Spell Crazy Without AZ.” He draws the line at playing in drag, except for those rare occasions when he sits in with the Backhoes.

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68 Comments to “Who We Are”

  1. Frances Morey says:

    Juanita, you bring a breath of fresh air for the Texas beauty-full. Move over Cable Guy. I detect a motherlode of political savvy and want to sign up for an update appointment. Thanks for featuring the Ted Cruz drubbing. He must not have anyone intelligent to talk to think up key-rap like this. Clowns like him gave Molly a field day. I guess they are still here and multiplying–you’ll never run out of material, until we turn this dang state blue, Hey, now there is a hook for a country song, “…’til we turn this dang state blue…”
    Keep up the beautiful good work.
    Frances Morey

  2. That’s my site but it ain’t up yet.

  3. The so-called Charter Schools is the trendy name for the boondoggle of for-profit schools you lamented. Having independent boards they operate the schools the way the prison’s do to increase profits–cut labor costs hiring the young beginning teachers with less experience, and bill the district per the student per the day. Only they want their budget up front. They are unaccountable once they’ve got it. This is an idea that’s gone very bad. I know that if Rick Perry is in favor of it it there is money to be made by his friends and contributors. That’s just the way he operates.
    Frances Morey

  4. Well ya’ll sound like fine folks! I will feel right at home here, and I look foward to WalMrt shopping tips from Thelma.

  5. Fred Knueppel says:

    We’all like the way you see thru things and ‘git’ to the nut of the bull shooters in politics.

    As I’m from Wisconsin and don’t have much to send ya’ as a token to keep riding them hard, would you prefer cheese or snow?

    Ya’ll take good care of my granddaughter who lives in Austin

  6. tim smith says:

    I had just about given up on Texas and then found the lovely jaunita Jean through C&L. Please put me on your e-mail list.

  7. I’ve heard tell you ain’t no Molly Ivins but I sure find that I miss her less when I read your blog…

  8. leeper fred says:

    just remember the $26 billion gov’t shut down was just payback for the bay of pigs. those terrorist anchor babies grow up.

  9. Kathy Nixie says:

    Hi, I have never done stand up but think their might be a place for me in the mix. I want to start with:

    “You might be an old Woman if”

    your kids have gone from being embarrased by you to “who is this woman? I don’t know her”


  10. sophia gaibort says:

    just found ya
    already luv ya
    proud to see another Texas woman making a mark
    or leaving one if need be
    you are now listed with Ann Richards, Barbara Jordan and Molly Ivins, in the “bad ass texas lass” part of my heart!

  11. Rilly, now, ladies. Y’all gotta keep yer composher, er. composter, er, you gotta behave yerselfs. I am so imbarrased 2 hear this kind of trashy talk. It brangs bak those days when I was the youngest of fourteen that had to grow up on Unkle Opher’s back porch, right next to the outhouse. What wood Momma say?

  12. Dear Miss Juanita Jean Herownself:

    I was delighted to read your post about the Pauls. I would have been far happier reading their obituary, but one does with what one has.

  13. T.J. Smith says:

    I am Texas born and bred and there is nothing more exciting than hearing one of our own speak up , stand and not give a hoot who cares to put a brand on her. Keep it up. All of us Texas Sisters support you.

  14. Linda Phipps says:

    Thank you, reading this has been the most productive I have been all day at work. I haven’t had this much fun since Cuccinelli (here in the old Dominion) was defeated!

  15. The stilletto knife is not spelled with the double “l l”. (According to dictionary.com.)
    Even spellchecker catches it.

  16. Blue Texas, I thought I was alone, I have been here a short time, I hope you are REAL.

  17. Joseph Stans says:

    Bless you. You bring a little ray of reason to an otherwise foolish world.

  18. Del Rio, Texas native living in Austin. Love what you do!


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