Tiki Torches
Guest column by Bryan Bankston –
There are many things the Nazis have ruined. The 1936 Summer Olympics, yelling and gesturing wildly while giving an impassioned speech, the Arc of the Covenant, and the fact that if you dress up as Charlie Chaplin for Halloween, you absolutely cannot take your bowler hat off.
But now that the Nazis are back, they have ruined one of my favorite things. Faux Polynesian kitsch. Yes, my favorite type of illumination while drinking rum out of a coconut waiting for the pig to finish spit-roasting: The tiki torch.
I don’t how the decision was made to utilize this particular variety of cultural appropriation, but I’m guessing one of the Nazis initially suggested the use of regular torches, but the rest of the Nazis were worried that it might confuse people into thinking they were protesting Frankenstein instead of the removal of a racist statue. After one particularly smart-ass Nazi brought up the fact that Frankenstein was the name of the doctor, not the monster, they decided on tiki torches
Fortunately I have a way to make tiki kitsch again, as well as completely changing the optics of the Nazi demonstrations. It’s easy. Replace all confederate statues with tiki statues.
When the Nazis come back to Charleston to protest, as they did a few days ago, this is what it will look like:
You know longer have a bunch of racists delivering a hate filled message. Now it’s just frat boys worshipping the tiki god. Problem solved.
Bryan –
1I live in Hawaii, and I think that’s a great idea! Let me know when we can get started and I’ll round up some woodcarvers. They probably would appreciate the work.
Hah hah hah hah
2All good Bryan. But do those inbreeding home schooling centers really have frats?
3Hmmm, so I see genius runs in the family.
4There may be some Polynesians who would object to the cultural appropriation. But if it involves mai tais and doesn’t offend anybody except those I dearly want to offend, I’m for it.
5Actually, a great idea for the counter-protest: torches, grass skirts, leis…. THIS. COULD. WORK!
6What a great contribution. Thanks Bryan. Next step would be sacrificing their virgins to the volcano god…but I guess that’d pretty much decimate the entire movement, wouldn’t it?
7Bwahahahahahahaha!!!!! I love it!
8Bryan:
9That was awesome. Thanks.
Love it! The “TIKI” statues could be erected secretly, in the dark of the night before the tiki-torch parade was scheduled for the following day! A hollow square with some hinges and someone having fun painting the deity (a fake deity so that no Polynesians would be hurt or insulted.) My-my, could be really fun.
10Now if only King Kong would show up and stomp around their tiki totem a little bit, the problem would be solved permanently. Just bunch of squished Nazi greasespots ready to be hosed off.
11Sandridge:
12That would be funny and pretty satisfying. I tried to think of something funny and satisfying to say, but couldn’t come up with anything after Will Mayer’s comment. THAT s**t was Funny.
I like your idea, mainly because the Tiki false idol just looks so damn good. But with that crowd you have to be careful. I suspect that they are not to be trusted NOT to start sacrificing virgins to the Tiki god. And if that set-up is in Houston, or within 50 miles of Houston, they are gonna have a difficult time finding sacrificial virgins. And that means they will start looking for ’em farther afield, like in the rural counties. It could get real ugly.
13You know, those tiki touches in C-ville had me somewhat confused. They were marching again the other night. Were those boys totally unable in every way to make their own torches? Or were they really just so damn upscale they wouldn’t consider anything else? Whatever the hell, they really did look totally nutz marching in lock-jawed precision carrying an open call to barbecued pig plus long tall frosted glasses of (fill in the blank).
14Congrats, ASTROS.
Place all Nazis on Kon Tiki and set them afloat to discover ancient Pollyanna or something. Thor Heyerdahl will gladly advise them how to get from here to there, if he is still alive.
15What about wingnut plans to redo the Alamo and make it a theme park or some damn thing. Led by none other than Penis Bush from Florida.(a transplanted,next gen- brainless Bush)
16LOL. The acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree.
17Just paint over the statues and make them into tiiki or something. Like the Bulgarians do.
18https://www.theguardian.com/world/2011/jun/22/russia-red-army-memorial-painted