Oh No, Smokey Joe

November 22, 2017 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

Y’all, this is a frightening thing. Texas Republican Congressvarmit Smokey Joe Barton has a winkie.

I have written about Smokey Joe more than I care to recall. And you can see a list of them all right here.

He has a winkie, y’all. I would have bet against it with my last dollar bill.

I think he wants you to see it.



I dunno.  It seems to me that he has a bad case of winkie-do. His stomach sticks out more than his winkie-do.

Yeah, here’s his story.

“While separated from my second wife, prior to the divorce, I had sexual relationships with other mature adult women,” he said. “Each was consensual. Those relationships have ended. I am sorry I did not use better judgment during those days. I am sorry that I let my constituents down.”

You know, if it was consensual, I really don’t have a problem with it and I wouldn’t even mention it.  But, Joe does does have a problem with it.  Joe was all a’quivering over shaming and impeaching Bill Clinton.  It seems to me that the Karma Train has arrived at the station on time.

And one other thing, this nasty sumbitch votes with Donald Trump 92.3% of the time, so he can take his winkie and shove it in his ear.

You gotta go, Smokey Joe.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

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49 Comments to “Oh No, Smokey Joe”

  1. Reminds me of my favorite quote from Tank Girl: “I’m going to need a microscope and tweezers…”

  2. Liberty Belle says:

    Probably not long enough to reach his ear. Man, this vision will haunt me all of Thanksgiving day. Not sure how I will be able not to just randomly burst out laughing which was definitely my first response on seeing this story. Seth Myers is right, “..if your face isn’t pulling in the babes, your (winkie) isn’t going to make the difference.”

  3. I’m not surprised that he has to take pictures of it from below – he can’t see past his belly from the top.

  4. I’m done with the internet. Period. Forever. That or I gouge out my eyes with a rusty crowbar. I don’t ever want to see anything like this again. If my eyes could only puke, I’d feel better.

  5. What next, nekkid photos of Ducky Boy or Louie?
    I know, you need brain bleach from the mere thought.

    I really like Liberty Belle’s quote though.

  6. That screen shot needs to be the new photo in The Illustrated Dictionary:

    oxymoron –
    Smoky Joe (as pictured), consensual mature adult women

  7. I’m reminded of a scene from a Scottish sitcom in which several older men are sitting around the pub advising a friend who’s trying to attract a woman.

    “Make her laugh. It’s well known ye can laugh a lassie into bed.”

    “Aye, show her yer todger. She’ll p*** herself.”

    “Todger” means what Mama thinks it does, and I hope I can run faster than she can with her cake of soap. At least I bleeped the other word.

    And someone needs to look into the judgment of those mature adult women Smokey Joe was fooling with. Maybe that was his technique– make them laugh, show them his….

  8. Looks a lot like the Pillsbury Dough Boy.

  9. joel hanes says:

    I’m no beauty myself: I look more like Rep. Barton than, say, Tom Selleck or George Clooney.

    What I don’t get, what I will _never_ understand, is this:
    once having seen that shot of himself, why did he not immediately destroy it *and* the camera that took it ?
    What kind of twisted self-regard makes him and those like him think that such a photo is anything other than pathetic ?
    Why would he ever allow anyone else to see it?

    I just don’t get it.

  10. Perhaps Flint MI is not the only place where the water needs testing.

  11. I dunno. Those man boobs peeking over his belly are pretty horrifying too.

  12. Afternoon JJ. I’d like to ask a favor. If at any time in the future you feel obligated to post such a nauseatingly mind-searing abomination of an image, please try to crop out the x-out tab. I almost punched my phone to pieces frantically trying to close that window. That’s cruel. Unintentional, but cruel. On the plus side, I’m in no danger of overeating anytime soon.:-)

  13. Oh, for God’s sake. Barton used to be semi-rational. Cue Don Meredith.

  14. Oh, my God!! How lonely or horny does a person have to be to climb this mountain? Ick!!!

  15. His boobs are bigger than mine.

    Pillsbury dough boy for sure.

    We are suppose to take his advice on national issues? How can somebody so lacking in judgement give us a tutorial on tax policy and war.

    I’m an just old suburban housewife. I know never to do anything that could be discoverable. And he’s a congressman. Holy chit.

  16. This one could be Weiner boy’s room mate.

  17. I can’t imagine even a desperate, hungry ho going with him at any price.

    What’s wrong with these guys thinking they have such good-looking winkies and that women want to see them? Ick!

  18. Susan on the Left Coasts says:

    By the way, he didn’t just send his dick pic out into the ether, he sent multiple videos of himself masturbating with accompanying texts about how hard & deep he wanted to pound her. The pic that’s on the internet is a still from one of the videos.

  19. I used to know a girl who said she fooled around with him back in his married days. I had the good sense not to ask about photographic evidence. What kind of idiot thinks something like that won’t eventually get out?

  20. Aside from the Texas revenge porn law, what a campiagn poster this would make!

  21. I am sick to death of dirty old men!

  22. Is he a good christian too?
    2 marriages ? And sleeping with a woman who is not his wife? Wow.
    He wants to force others to adhere to the christian values he himself ignores?

  23. ThrowCautiontotheWind says:

    More like a “winky-don’t.”

  24. I may never forgive you for posting that photo. I am trying to eat less and that will help some.

  25. OMG! What a horrible case of blue balls. This is abby normal.

  26. WA Skeptic says:


    Darn it, JJ, you need to warn a person…

  27. Brain bleach.

    Where’s the Brain bleach?

  28. 1smartcanerican™ says:

    This reminds me of a flight many years ago where a passenger exposed himself to one of the attendants, and then asked her what she thought of it. She bent closer, stood back up, and announced that “it looks like a penis, only smaller!” I was very proud of her quick wit – and loud voice 🙂 I believe that the item in questions pretty much shrunk down to nothing.

  29. Don’t you get it? He’s endorsing Roy Moore!

  30. I’m with *Old Fart*.

    Brain Bleach,?
    “Please sir, I want some more”

  31. If sexual preference is a choice them you may have created a great imbalance in the universe. Straight men and lesbian women.
    Please Lord don’t let me think of this picture tomorrow, for surely I’ll lose all apatite.

  32. fierywoman says:

    Does anyone know how or why this went public?

  33. GAAAHHH!!!!

    JJ, are you tryin’ to kill us??

    For the first time in my life, I truly envy Helen Keller.

  34. I admit I am not a heterosexual woman, but I have friends who are. I don’t blame them. They can’t help that they were born that way. Nonetheless, I do not find a penis or testicles of any size attractive. At all. I’ve asked my heterosexual adult female friends. They don’t either. Why do some males think women want to see their boy bits?

    Nothing personal gentlemen, but your genitalia are not really masterful works of art, IMO.

  35. Jane & PKM says:

    Old fool of a dotard, it’s jewelry. Women like jewelry, not pictures of your family ‘jewels.’

  36. KarenVOrNot says:


    That polka dot dress woman looks like a local GOP type…

  37. Susan on the Left Coast says:

    there’s more: he threatened to call police on the woman if she shared his old fart portly porn….

    from her recording of his phone call “I had a three-year undercover relationship with you over the Internet that was heavily sexual and that I had met you twice while married….” (he flew her to D.C. for one trist)


  38. All of the above. Not sure my husband will talk to me later in the day now–he’s already done the “TMI!” on me.

    But, all of the above and this: what in blue hell made this chimp think he was above a little something, in doing this. Can’t be anything but ego. Thank God for Susan’s help cuz for a while there I was thinking he figured this was the choice pose. And it’s only a still.

    Good god there isn’t enough coffee on the planet to erase this one. And I’m trying my damndest!

  39. e platypus onion says:

    Iz this the same guy that apologized to BP for oil spill/explosion that killed 11 workers and parts of the Gulf of Mexico?

  40. Good ol’ Joe is about to learn that sanctimony has a very bitter taste. Not even thirty years of imbibing holier-than-thou wine can make it go down any easier.

    Snacilbuper are already looking at this as their chance to take his seat in Congress, and every voter in his district will see this during the primary. So long, Joe.

  41. Fred Farklestone says:

    Inquiring minds want to know who actually took that picture and are there more photo’s?
    It couldn’t have been Smokey Joe, unless he has arms as long as a gorilla!

  42. Spay and neuter should be required for anyone who signs up to run for office. Might cut down on a number of crimes/offenses against the people they are suppose “to serve”.

  43. “And one other thing, this nasty sumbitch votes with Donald Trump 92.3% of the time, so he can take his winkie and shove it in his ear.”

    Well actually, based on the unfortunate photographic evidence, there’s no way he could stick it in his ear. You are asking the impossible. I think he used that phone to take a picture so he could find the little thing.

  44. @Whites Creek, I don’t think JJ was assuming that, when shoved in his ear, it was still attached to the rest of him. Do you know of any men who could do that? If so, upon careful consideration, I do not want to see photographic evidence of that either.

  45. Um, is this something like revenge porn? That is a new term for me. Now, here’s the question. Why can’t this slithereen get kicked out of Congress like Wiener did? At the office I have to work – at a distance – with people like him and he is so low on the totem pole he should be smelling fumes from lava! He is the pet of the big oil companies but I wonder if they would even consider tolerating him in any way after this “publicity.”

  46. e platypus onion says:

    That photo gives Barton a built in excuse to lie his way out of any sanctions or ridicule. He’ll say his recollection was blurry and the GOP will give him a free pass.

  47. e platypus onion says:

    That thing is from Texas and must only come out at night. Not an ounce of tan on his pastey white wingnut hide.

  48. Susan on the Left Coast says:

    Daddy Dearest Trump’s good buddy, Alex Jones, posted one of the videos of the Tea Party Portly Porn Star Joe Barton’s family values version of action videos that he had sent to his mistresses (yes, there was more than one). The ex honey trap employee of the oft sued Project Veritas, Laura Loomer, gave it to InfoWars…and boasted that she did so. Seems someone may have let Alex in on the fact that Texas has laws against revenge porn so the video was removed after he published it. An American patriot did grab InfoWar’s page that posted it for posterity.

  49. Worst case of blue balls I’ve ever seen! And look at that fat gut. What lady would find that attractive?