Juanita Jean likes cowboys.  So, when Hank Gilbert decided to re-enter politics, she was pleased.  But then Hank couldn’t decide what horse to ride, who was in charge of paying the band, or who his dance partner is.  It was a goat rodeo.

Hank finally decided on running for ag commission.  It did not commence well.  It was kinda like he was rared up and ready stumble.

“It’s gonna take a faith healer, a voodoo doll, and a 20 car prayer meeting to get this guy’s campaign back on track,” Juanita moans.  “After today, it appears the hoedown is over.”

We got a proud email from Hank yesterday announcing grandly that he had the endorsement of National Farmers Union President Roger Johnson.  “Why, maybe Hank’s back in the saddle,” we thought out loud.

Come to find out this morning, not so much.

National Farmers Union President Roger Johnson said he didn’t endorse Hank Gilbert for Texas agriculture commissioner as a recent Gilbert campaign release stated.

Johnson met with the Democratic contender last week at an Abilene convention but said he didn’t give him an endorsement. He said he was not endorsing anyone, either as an individual or the head of an organization. The National Farmers Union doesn’t endorse state candidates.

Oh, crap.

Gilbert’s campaign attempted made matters worse with a bean dip dumb comment:  “We made a mistake,” he said. “We’ve had so many endorsements over the last week that we confused one.”

“Well, see, that confuses me,” Juanita says, “because I didn’t get blazing colors emails about the others.”

“He’s throwing us into Kinky Friedman’s arms,” Juanita moans, “and, Honey, there have been some things in Kinky’s arms that require an environmental impact study just to move across the room.  I’m not overly anxious to be there, but at least he seems to know what he’s doing most the time.”

I suspect she heard me snort.  “I said MOST!” she reiterated.

First it was hot checks.

Then it was funny money.

Now it’s fancy pants.

Sarah Palin did it. Debra Medina did it. So why can’t Hank Gilbert?

It’s not just women. The Democratic agriculture commissioner candidate has spent $2,192 on clothes from his campaign contributions, an increasingly popular ethics conundrum.

The Texas Ethics Commission tells candidates not to use campaign expenditures for personal use, although there are certain gray areas like dry cleaning and cowboy hats for campaign appearances.

Gilbert said he bought clothes from western wear shop Cavender’s, Kohl’s and Men’s Wearhouse solely for the campaign. He said he will give it to charity at the end of the race, just as he did when he ran in 2006.

You know the difference between the Boy Scouts and Hank Gilbert’s campaign for Ag Commissioner?  The Boy Scouts have adult leadership.

“I like Hank Gilbert,” Juanita says, “I truly do.  But if Hank is folding like a cheap suitcase against Kinky Friedman, I don’t even want to imagine what’s gonna happen in November.  He’s going to have to spend a campaign explaining checks and boots.  Come to think of it, Hank’s whole campaign is beginning to sound like a country / western song.”

“A couple of months ago, a local politician around here asked me rustle up a thousand bucks to give Hank.  Phew, I’m glad I held on to my money,” Juanita says while starting a pot of coffee before opening the salon, “because if I’m gonna dress a man, it’s gonna be Dennis Quaid.”

This has been an odd political season.  The only Republican yard signs in the whole county are those for the three folks running for DA.  (A race we’ll have some dandy fun with later, Juanita promises.  Richard Raymond now has pushcards you need to see.)

We have not seen even one sign in the Republican Governor’s race, a battle royale between Kay Bailey Hutchison (Read:  Dick Cheney) and Rick Perry (read: Sarah Palin).

“Now, this ain’t my first rodeo,” Juanita assures us, “so I understand the main purpose of yardsigns is name ID.  But, generally, it also shows support among the natives, so plenty of them are planted around here come election time.  However, if you were to drive around Republican neighborhoods in Fort Bend County you wouldn’t even know there’s an election going on in the Governor’s race.”

But, it happened today.  Debra Media, a semi-Libertarian,  is going to ensure there’s a run-off in the Republican Governor’s race and she’s putting up signs to bet on it.

Medina has some signs up by Frank’s Nursery on 359 — Hi Frank!

Her campaign slogan appears to be “We Texans.”  Even Juanita doesn’t know what that means.  “Maybe it’s something like, ‘Me, Kemosabe,’ or ‘Me, Tarzan.  You, Debra,’ or something,” she ventures.  Of course, it means there has to be something somewhere that classifies as “Those Texans.”

Thelma thinks she’s hinting at secession.  Could be.

Juanita has noticed that the number of nasty tacky comments submitted to this not-a-blog from anonymous Republicans has tripled since President Barack Obama spanked some little Republican boy hiney at the GOP retreat.

“They are ouching with outrage,” she smiles.  “And, to my great joy, the local ones come take it out on me.”

“I fess up that I enjoyed the Republican congressional boys wanting to make their questioning of the President of the United States public on the television set only because they hoped that by ganging up on him, they could embarrass him,” she smiles.

“There’s an old honky tonk boast in Texas.  When some drunk cowboy was feeling his oats,” Juanita continues, “he’d ask for a fight by saying, ‘the big ones can line up and the little ones can gang up’.”

“Well, the little ones ganged up, but they still couldn’t whoop our cowboy.  It was his finest hour, and will go down in history as the minute it became dandy clear who the adults are. ”

“He made them look petty, like Rush Limbaugh’s hand was up their skirts making them talk like Miss Piggy,” she laughs at her own visual.

Juanita suspects the diamond centerpiece of the event was when President Obama sent Texas’ Little Jeb Hensarling to the time out chair.  She has it on her iPhone and charges customers a quarter to watch it.  So far, she’s raised enough to buy some new boots.

Please don’t tell Juanita’s customers that I’ve posted the video here.  Juanita is enjoying the sound of boot money in the quarter jar.

Being funny on purpose is a little harder, ya know.

Texas Republican Governor and UnMensa member, Rick Perry wants you to know something.

Looking over campaign finance reports can tell you more than who is giving and what the candidate is spending. Sometimes a mis-type can give insight into a campaign’s real thoughts. Or maybe not.

For Gov. Rick Perry, two little misprints within a page of each other seemed pretty telling. On a section outlining his political travels, he listed a trip to New York, where he was joined by Texas business leaders for the, as explanation read, “NASDAQ Closing Bell Ceremoney.”

And on a separate entry, the governor attended an NRA breakfast in our nation’s capital, which he has vilified as the seat of waste and sloth throughout the campaign. As his finance report states, the breakfast was held in “Washington VD.”