You can often find Congressman Troy Nehls of Texas’s 22nd District with a cigar in his mouth and sporting his congressional member pin just above his Combat Infantryman Badge on his business suit’s lefthand lapel.

The cigar is beside the point. Whatever method Nehls chooses to shorten his lifespan is up to him. His body, his choice.

Likewise, the membership pin. No one here doubts that Nehls won his elections fair and square, even though he ran for his office in the same election as TFG in 2020. Nehls does not question the validity of his own win in that very same election.

No, the problem is the Combat Infantryman Badge he wears. This CBS News article spells it all out, so forgive me if I leave out the gruesome details that are laid bare by the article

Suffice it to say that Congressman Troy Nehls wears a Combat Infantryman Badge that the Pentagon rescinded in March 2023 because Nehls served as a civil affairs officer in Afghanistan at the time it was awarded, and not as an infantryman. This photo was taken of him in October 2023 when Nehls was holding handcuffs for Congressman Jamaal Bowman for his fire alarm pulling stunt that month. No cigar this time, but right there, below his congressional pin is the rescinded Combat Infantryman Badge.

And then there is Congressman Nehls’s 2nd Bronze Star. His military record shows that Nehls did earn a Bronze Star for his superlative skills managing Iraqi staff members and four coalition soldiers assigned to the Kirkuk Business Center in 2004. But if you look at any given discussion of Nehls’s military service on his congressional website, you’ll see that he claims to have a 2nd Bronze Star. CBS’s investigation of his military record found no such 2nd medal.

As a good friend of mine says, “Lying about your military record is stolen valor.” Me? I see this as the direct opposite of “Swiftboating”. In 2004, then Senator John Kerry was maligned for claiming war medals he did not earn in his Vietnam military service. He earned all of them, but the lie took hold.

So what is worse, stealing Valor or having Valor stolen from you?

When people know that what they have done or said is wrong they have three choices. They can double down and really go for the jugular. They can admit that what they have done or said is wrong and seek to reconcile with whomever they have offended. They can use slight of hand mentally, psychologically, or physically to make it appear that what they did was really not that bad.

We call the third rationalization. It is usually more mental and psychological than anything else. We need to convince ourselves that what we did was somehow justified and not wrong. I won’t say that everyone has done it, but I will say I’ve done it. Sometimes it is because I was just incapable at the time of seeing my own culpability. Sometimes I didn’t want to admit to myself that I had done an awful thing.

The news media reported excerpts from Kristi Noem’s book and the rationalizations started in full force. Granted, some of these that were mentioned to me by friends and family that were sympathetic to her. Some came from her or people in her camp. My friends simply used a different report than I did. Others developed their own rationalizations to explain someone else’s behavior. What if the dog had done this? What if the goat did that?

I will never understand the power that some people have over others. I will never understand the need to rationalize the behavior of someone you have never met and aren’t connected to. I certainly get choosing to believe the best of people. I try to do that too. What I also believe in dealing with teenagers on a daily basis is that the story you get first is usually the most truthful one.

I wasn’t there when Noem shot her dog and goat. I just know that the amended details don’t make a ton of sense to me. She supposedly shot this goat when she was 14. So, how did this same goat terrorize her children at the same time as one of my friends said? So, could she have left out some details in her book that would make the story more palatable? Absolutely. Of course this begs the question of why.

In this story, if she or other family members were attacked wouldn’t that be the lead? Instead, the lead was that she hated the dog because it didn’t perform well while hunting and chased some chickens. The story about the goat came because she didn’t like the goat because it didn’t smell very good.

My instincts tell me that she told this story because she thought it would score points with the MAGA crowd. Cruelty is in you know. However, once she discovered that even they have their limits the story started to change some. Let’s give her every benefit of the doubt. Let’s say the animals should have been put down because they were a danger to her family and anyone they came into contact with. That still means she lied initially to curry favor with a group of people.

My favorite rationalization came from Kimberly Guilfoyle. She wondered if someone inserted that story into her book without her consent. As if someone would completely make that story up out of whole cloth to make her look bad. That is some active imagination. So, there you have it. Notice that Noem never disputed the account in her own book. She never said the media was mischaracterizing the account from her own book. She just wanted to change the story after the fact. Given the circumstances I probably would too.

I am usually late to these things. I never promised to be first. I promised to give things some thought and come with a more comprehensive outlook. By now, you know that Kristi Noem (governor of South Dakota) is a noted dog killer. She volunteered this information herself in her book. You could even say she was bragging about it.

If you’ve been out of pocket for the last two weeks, she told this anecdote in her book about killing a 14 month old puppy because it was “untrainable.” She also killed a goat because it didn’t smell good and she didn’t like it. Apparently, she was a “farm girl” and that’s just how things are done on the farm.

A part of this is by design. Most progressives live in urban areas. So, if progressives object to this kind of behavior then it just highlights the difference between urban and rural America. Them city folk just don’t know how everything is done on the farm. They aren’t real Americans. They are snowflakes that want to virtue signal and cancel things they will just never understand.

It’s all a crock of bullshit. Anyone that has owned an animal or cared for an animal knows you don’t shoot that animal because “it cannot be trained.” Even if that is true there are hundreds of other options. There are people you could rehome the animal with. There are agencies like Second Chance Pets that will take the animal and rehome it for you. There are places that will allow the animal to roam free. It may not be the best life, but it is a life.

Admittedly, we are animal people. I have had as many as four cats at the same time. We had to put one of them to sleep several months ago. It was a sweet cat that had a horrible disease that was incurable and destined to cause him tons of pain. We also have a dog. He is fairly well trained now, but the first few months were rough. We have had a few hairy moments every now and then. He doesn’t like thunderstorms. He reacts around other dogs. He’s as smart as a whip, but he’s a dog. It’s what dogs do.

I suppose being an animal lover makes me weird. I inherited this trait from my mother. All of our cats have been rescues or second chance pets. Our dog was adopted as well. This is a trait that has been passed down to our daughter. I have always firmly believed that you can tell a lot about a person based on their disposition to animals. I’ve learned a lot about Kristi Noem the last couple of weeks. None of it has been good.

To be perfectly fair, I never was a big fan. However, she has demonstrated a cruelty and callousness that is breathtaking to see. It takes a cold and loveless heart to willingly kill an animal when its only crime was “smelling bad” or “being untrainable.” To brag about it is borderline sociopathic or psychopathic. Hell, the animal community debates euthanizing a chronically sick pet. There are those that believe that pets should be allowed to live a full life regardless of their medical condition. There are others that want to prevent needless suffering.

Then there are those that believe animals should be put down when they are inconvenient. I can’t fathom that. If they think animals are expendable then what do they think about people? Are some of us expendable? Maybe that is why we can play games with immigrants by threatening their lives and busing them half way across the country without their consent. It is only one small step from shooting a dog to discarding a human being. At least it used to be something we didn’t brag about. I guess those days are over.

Like TFG’s many trials, the hits keep on coming for Texas Senator Ted Cruz. But unlike the former guy, Ted’s problems are not entirely of his own doing.

Two days ago, Cruz’s campaign treasurer received a thick envelope with a 20-page long memorandum from the Federal Election Commission (4 pages of text and a 16-page attachment) asking him to present information to explain why 37 of his campaign contributors, either by oversight or otherwise, exceeded the legal monetary limits imposed on all contributors in order to achieve fairness and equity in our electoral process.

One contributor’s name stands out. Found on page 11 of the attachment is one Andy Puzder. Puzder wins a place of dishonor on Cruz’s wall of shame for his callous disregard for contribution limits. On May 25th of last year, Puzder ponied up 3,300 in American money to Cruz’s primary campaign – the legal limit – but then dropped an additional ten bucks in Cruz’s inbox this past February 23rd. Now, since Texas’ primary election was March 5th (Super Tuesday), the ten-spot was an illegal campaign contribution.

Oh, the humanity.

Andy Puzder, you probably don’t remember, was a failed cabinet nominee of TFG. Puzder is a fast food executive (Carl’s Jr., Hardee’s), that Former Guy nominated to be his Secretary of Labor. That’s rich, huh? What better way to thumb your nose at minimum wage workers than to nominate a fast food CEO to oversee labor relations?

And, not to imply his intent…OK, implying his intent, what better way to emphasize your fealty to the senator than to put a toe over the foul line for him? His name gets a flag on the FEC memo, and Cruz, who is not in any way, shape, or form on the short list for TFG’s Veep, takes notice.

That is not to say that others didn’t try, through cuteness of their own, to show their extreme loyalties, but you have to admit, Puzder’s efficiency is notably exceptional.

The Cruz campaign must respond to the FEC on this matter by June 3, 2024. Now, the question is, will that be before or after TFG announces his running mate?

Many of you long-haulers here at the Salon remember my cousin, Jesus Hachecristo. He’s always got some kind of scam going. For awhile, he went by the name of “Caddo Joe” and pretended to be a tribal fishing guide on Toledo Bend. According to history, the Spanish encountered the Caddo 400 years ago and asked, “Where the hell are we? And which way to the city of gold?” They interpreted the word ”tejas” as the name of the where, but it really meant “friend,” according to Texas, which is well-known to be the friendliest place on earth to immigrants. According to Caddo Joe, it actually meant, “Who are you assholes?” which is why he didn’t last long as a Texas fishing guide.

Back when Hurricane Harvey Hit Houston Hard, Jesus was amazed to learn that Joel Osteen, plasticized pastor, had a mansion, a kachillion dollars, and enough cars to start his own luxury dealership. He did this by following the gospel, which says, “Sell all you have, give to the poor and follow me.”  That doesn’t apply to him, you understand, but to his followers. In this transactional sort of grace, Joel is the salaried middleman, who collects a pretty hefty skim off the top before the poor see so much as a widow’s mite.

But when those poor, up to their hips in Harvey water, came knocking at Joel’s megachurch for a dry place not to drown, he treated them like Noah’s neighbors and pretended no one was home at the ark.

“Primo, how can I get into this?” an excited Jesus asked. He has suspended drivers’ licenses in about 18 states and thought one car for each would be pretty cool.

I suggested he study how the competition did it, and emulate them. So, one Sunday, we toddled on down to the Compaq Center, dba Lakewood Megachurch and Mint, where Jesus asked a security dude in khakis and a golf shirt where the guest-pastor section was.

The dude looked us up and down and said, “Say, aren’t you Caddo Joe?”

Which is how we ended up in an old mall-anchor Sears store now occupied by “The Power and The Glory Megachurch.” Luckily, the security dude we ran into there was a bowler, and while there was no guest-pastor section, we were given a seat in the Craftsman section, in the back, near the doors, which is always a good place to be when you’re out with Jesus.

The house band was pretty shitty; the Heavenly Host Dancers were okay, but their robes mostly hid the spastic Riverdance moves they made, clogging on cue like the Holy Spirit had just smitten their basal ganglia. Then the headliner, Reverend Will O’Creak, took the stage like a rock star.

Sporting a natty grey suit, Pastor O’Creak looked like an accountant but spoke like a country song, which I pointed out to Jesus was the basic skillset for preachers. He began with a loud verbal flourish, like a title.

“The Spanish Armotta!” – by which he meant “Armada” – was a vast fleet Spain had sent to give England the Montezuma Treatment, but a terrible storm and the opportunistic English Navy scattered the fleet from hell to breakfast. O’Creak gave all the power and the glory to “Owlmighty Gawd,” who sent the storm, thereby saving England to thereby save North America from the terrible fate of Spanish America:

“PreDOMINANTLY Roman Catholic!”

At this point, two scions of Catholic Spanish America, Primo Encarnación and his cousin, Jesus Hachecristo, sank pretty low in their seats in the back. “I thought this was nondenominational,” he whispered. I shushed him and tried to look nondenominational.

The screed continued about how bad Catholics were, how America was chosen by Owlmighty Gawd to be the shining city, the new Jerusalem. America is Christian; Christianity is American; the Others are out to get us! But Gawd will make us win and the pastors – wrapped in the flag and carrying the cross – would be in charge: One Gawd to Rule Them All. And all we had to do to get in on the ground floor of world domination was Donate Right Now.

To the strains of “Onward Christian Soldiers,” khaki-clad security dudes (“marching as to war”) began passing the plates, which were actually a set of fry baskets lined in green felt, like a casino table.  We took that opportunity to escape.

Standing outside, next to one of the big mall planters, Jesus was shaken. “Primo, I don’t know if this is for me,” he said. “I don’t mind a grift,” (I rolled my eyes) “but these guys are talking about authoritarian theocracy.”

“Plus, all our family are their enemy,” I added, “for several reasons. The Salon, too.”  So, later that night, we stole the planters from the Church of the Sears & the Roebuck, and relocated them in front of the Salon, to discourage Gawd’s Owlmighty car bombs, which is how I became the Deputy Director of Homeland Security for the World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon.

And which is why, to this day, there is no Jesus in Christian Nationalism.