The ONLY Christian. ‘Cuz I Say So.

March 30, 2012 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

There’s a place called Christian News Wire.  Seriously.  And you thought the Super DeLux Brand Christians believed that the internet is a tool of the devil and Jennifer Anniston.  Well, nope.  They have a website.

So, check this news item straight from God.

Does God want Americans to vote for a specific presidential candidate? Pastor Steven Andrew believes so. He says, “Rick Santorum is from God and will win with Christians and Catholics uniting for Santorum.”

He understands some prefer Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich, but believes they can’t be nominated. He says, “Only one Christian is left for President — Santorum.”

The only one?

Pastor Steven Andrew, bless his heart, has to go back all the way to Exodus to justify his statement, which is kinda weird considering that most Christians are partial to the New Testament. But, Pastor Andrew is in the justifying business, so I respect his attempt to … well, justify.

He continues, “Mitt Romney is a Mormon and Barak [sic] Obama is a Muslim or something else-but definitely not a Christian. Romney believes in another Jesus, not the Biblical Jesus.”

Or something else?  What would that be?  Lucifer Hisownself?   Another Jesus?  Cripes, how many others are there?

But, and again I need to say Bless His Heart because this dude is walking around blind in a fog with the lights out, he also believes  that Catholics are not exactly Christians.

Rick Santorum is from God and will win with Christians and Catholics uniting for Santorum.”

But, hell, he’s white and hates women so that’ll do.

Yes, that’ll have to do.

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32 Comments to “The ONLY Christian. ‘Cuz I Say So.”


  1. “Christians and Catholics” – ya know, ask most devout Catholics and they will take the position that Holy Mother The Church is directly descended from the Apostles, with Peter being in essence the first pope.

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  2. Ralph Wiggam says:

    I figured it out that ‘another Jesus’ paradox.

    Most Christians believe the stuff about the New Testament Jesus. Pastor Steven believes stuff about the Old Testament Jesus.

    Since the Old Testament Jesus was an ‘unborn person’ Pastor Steven feels obliged to speak up for the unborn.

    Either that or it is daChipster’s cousin Jesus Hachecristo.

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  3. Beth Francis says:

    These Super Deluxe New and Improved Christians are giving Jesus a bad reputation. What happened to loving your neighbor, judge not lest you be judged, and all the things that the He –you know — actually preached? I guess they figured Jesus was so busy with the Good News that they need to jump in and fill in the blanks on things Jesus never said anything about, huh?

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  4. Beth Francis says:

    If you’re a believer, can’t you just picture God up there shaking his head in disappointment? And taking notes…lots and lots of notes. These guys are going to have a lot to answer for.

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  5. Christians have a tendency to wander back and forth across that line depending on need:
    When they need a little Redemption – New
    When some heathen needs smiting – Old

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  6. VintageMomma says:

    God forgive me, but I can’t stand stupid people – especially stupid Christians, as they are more insidious than other kinds of stupid people.

    1) President Obama and his family attended the United Church of Christ (not to be confused with the Church of Christ – completely different kettles of fish) in Chicago before the attacks on Rev. Jeremiah Wright forced them to quit the church. My denomination, Christian Church (Disciples of Christ), is in ecumenical partnership with the UCC and I know the UCC believes that Jesus wasn’t kidding when he told us to love one another – regardless of race, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, etc. “Radical” Christians more closely resemble Jesus, Mr. Andrew – read your Bible (now there’s a thought) and you’ll see what I’m talkin’ about. President Obama acts more like Jesus than you do.

    2) My sweet daughter-in-law is Muslim and I’m positive that Jesus likes her better than Steven Andrew.

    3) In fact, in my not so humble opinion, Jesus doesn’t even recognize your particular flavor of “Christianity,” Mr. Andrew (the title of pastor does not sit well on you).

    4) And, uh, religious adherence (or preference) is not a qualification for being the President of the United States. Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush went to church MUCH less often than Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton, but the Right Wing only pretends to care about such things.

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  7. OK, now I get it…the only part of the Internets that isn’t the Devil’s Wheelhouse is the Super Deelux® Brand Christian part? And we can only get to that part if we listen to folks like Steven Andrew and Pat Robertson? And that God Hisself anointed Rick (Baron von Googlebomb) Santorum to defeat the evil Kenyan Muslim Socialist in November? And that the (Wrong) Reverend Andrew sorta looks like this guy:
    http://tinyurl.com/7tkgmok

    And to think, I used to listen to my iPod during my lunchbreak…look what I’ve been missing!

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  8. TexasEllen says:

    I don’t have much faith in folks who think they are wiser and more insightful than God.

    When my sister was four years old, she declared that something really awful was a Federal Sin. I think this ol’ boy is hellbent to live in Federal Sin.

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  9. daChipster says:

    Ralph: My cousin, Jesus Hachecristo, is pretty sure they’re not talking about him. At least, he’s never seen a piece of toast with his face on it.

    I think what Pastor Smug McBigot is referring to is the Mormon rejection of the standard Christian concepts of the Godhead. The trinity is not 3 persons in one god, but three different guys (2 physical, one spirit) who are a kind of board of directors of God, Inc.

    You see, Elohim is not the eternal Creator of the Universe, but was actually a man, as we are, who was just the bestest Mormon he could possibly be and so got a promotion, his own planet, and a 15-year-old virgin to bear his physical son, Jesus (aka Jehovah) who previously had only existed as spirit and was actually the older spirit brother of Lucifer.

    There are a whole bunch of other small-G gods who you should NOT worship (e.g. Abraham got an upgrade after death) so the second clause of the first Commandment (“You shall have no other gods before me”) makes slightly more sense.

    If all this sounds like it was some BS that a con man pulled out of his hat… it was, literally. Joseph Smith would put a magic stone in his hat and look into the hat, where magic writing would appear, that he would read off to a scribe.

    He was a contemporary of P T Barnum’s (dying much earlier, though, at the hands of a discerning lynch mob) but appeared to have shared the showman’s appreciation for the gullibility of his fellow man.

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  10. And Pastor Steven Andrew is just another signifying monkey.

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  11. Steven Andrew appears to be just another drifter; an intertube evangelist who can’t afford to buy time on the tee vee. I just love how these so called Christians who pick and choose which testament they use as if they were going through the line in a cafeteria.

    I prayed that President Obama would win in 2008 and my prayer was answered, so I think my line to God must be better than Andrew’s.

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  12. deadhorse tom says:

    Archer Bunker revisited …

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  13. deadhorse tom says:

    I should have said “Archie Bunker” revisited.

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  14. But, Lord, I’m not that kind of Catholic! I swear I’m not!

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  15. Christians and Catholics?
    So Catholics are not those ‘kind’ of Christians either?

    I was reading early church history. Jesus Christ was born and died a Jew and the earlier followers of Christ were also Jews. It was not till later that the Christians broke away from Judaism.

    So I find it kind of funny when these yokels want a ‘Christian’ country. Jesus Christ would not be welcome.

    And poor Steve. If santorum gets elected, he is on the fast tract to learning a LOT about Catholicism.

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  16. Sam in Pearland says:

    I like the quote on the ministry website “If you are not aware, non-profits are asked to have unConstitutional restrictions contrary to the Gospel.” Exactly what is unconstitutional about having to pay taxes on political contribution? If you haven’t already read the article look up “Our Godless Constitution” from The Nation in 2005. It’s quite an eye-opener if you didn’t already suspect the truth about this subject.

    BTW, he doesn’t hate all women, just the uppity ones that think for themselves and don’t know their place.

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  17. ks sunflower says:

    People who hear voices in their head should be carefully monitored by medical professionals.

    “Absolute faith corrupts as absolutely as absolute power, but absolute power is corrupt only in the hands of the absolutely faithful.” — anonymous

    “Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.” — Carl Sagan

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  18. Well, I hope that God’s own Pastor Steve can stick to his principles and encourage his flock not to vote for a non-Christian should God not righteously strike the other candidates dead before this is over.

    Heh, principles. As if.

    His kind of Christians think the New Testament is only for themselves. The Old Testament is for everyone else.

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  19. With Rick Santorum running for President, and with all his utterances, about religion being turned into blaring headlines… (like what he says matters)….. I dragged out my copy of “Why Christianity Must Change or Die” by Bishop John Shelby Spong.

    If ya’ll aren’t familiar with Bishop Spong…. he has a website. He also has a lot of common sense going for him….. and is worth your time….

    http://johnshelbyspong.com/

    Give it a try…. and enjoy…..

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  20. Marge Wood says:

    I swore I’d stay off Juanita Jean’s today but I’m sure glad I stumbled into this theology discussion. Bless Steven Andrew’s heart. Everybody gotta do something for a living. While I got your attention, more or less, how about finding out who’s running for the Texas State Board of Education where you live and supporting the most sensible one? Mine’s Rebecca Bell-Metereau. Or you could go watch Jon Stewart talk about Texas textbooks and blush.

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  21. OldMayfly says:

    The various religious texts and religious talk are all Rorschach (ink-blot) tests.

    Some read and interpret them as a command to behave kindly and humanely.

    Others read and interpret them as a command to behave cruelly and punitively.

    It is the reader’s personality that is revealed–not the Almighty’s or Whoever’s.

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  22. abo gato says:

    Marge, Rebecca is my candidate for the SBOE as well and we are voting for her for sure. Anything to get the idiot god botherer Ken Mercer out of there!

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  23. Austinhatlady says:

    Thank you for posting the link to Bishop Spongs new website, Miemaw. The man writes with a lot of common sense. I’m signing up.

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  24. When hate and fear are replaced by the love and brotherhood taught by Christ, this will be a “Christian” nation.
    Preachers like this one and politicians like Saint Torrum along with the holier than thou crowd will have to go first. Am ever fascinated with those who think themselves so tight with the Almighty that they know better what’s on the heavenly mind than it does.

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  25. Corinne Sabo says:

    Wonderfully inclusive dude. Christians & Catholics? This Catholics thought we were Christians. So much for the ecumenical spirit. He must have drank it.

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  26. Jose Orta says:

    Wow, this guy is a major putz. Can’t believe he has congregants.

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  27. Just what don’t they understand about Article VI of The Constitution: “no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States.” I can’t believe we let these people run things.

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  28. “Does God want Americans to vote for a specific presidential candidate? Pastor Steven Andrew believes so….”

    There were so many Publicans declaring that God wanted them to run for president that I lost track, but I’m sure there were at least four, and at least three of them have had to drop out. I don’t know who’s making the voices in their heads, but it doesn’t seem to be anyone in charge of running the world.

    You know you’re making your god up when he hates everybody you do.

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  29. Picture gray haired, chubby 60 something running screaming north toward the Canadian border in sweat pants, hoodie and Sorrell’s!

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  30. MCPO RET says:

    God is a funny dude, sort of like Steven Wright. He put sponges in the ocean to blow our minds and Rick on the podium for the same reason.

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  31. All of these so-called “Christians” haven’t a clue about Jesus or any of his teachings. They read His teachings, they study His teachings, only to reject Him and His teachings. The evidence is everywhere within the republican/tea party/faux christian party. I have experienced a “Near Death” trauma, I have talked to other folks who have had ND, and most of the experiences are similar. I really didn’t meet God, or St. Peter, but it changed me and my beliefs in a very fundamental way. I know what I know, and these “preachers”, pundits, politicians don’t know ANYTHING about God and His Son’s teachings. Lip service to to LORD is what it is. Love ya Sue.

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  32. I’ve said it before, and I will say it again–religion IS the problem in our country and the world. PEACE!

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