It’s a Thang, Y’all

October 11, 2015 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

I love the University of Texas.  Not only did they beat OU and bring home the Red River trophy, but they also made news in an even more important way.

Hundreds of students at the University of Texas at Austin will protest a new law that will allow more guns on campus not with signs or sit-ins, but by “strapping gigantic swinging dildos to our backpacks.”

Their mantra? #CocksNotGlocks

Yep.  The Texas Damn Legislature made a law saying that students can carry guns on campus at Texas universities.

Screen Shot 2015-10-11 at 10.42.40 AMUT students (most of them, unlike the legislature, have triple digit IQs) will start protesting the law when it goes into effect in August of next year.

They even have a Facebook page where you can see our best and brightest have fun with this and the knuckle draggers throw fourth grade hissy fit.

So we here at the World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc. are going to come with a list of …

The Ways a Dildo is Better Than a Gun.

1. People are rarely killed while cleaning their dildos.

2. Using a dildo in a robbery might work as well as a gun.  “Open the cash register and I’ll use this” might invoke an open cash register.  You never know.

3. You still have to hide a dildo from your mother and your children so that one is a draw.

4. Like guns, comparing size would still be a thing.

5. You look almost as dumb waving around a dildo as you do with a gun.

6. Dildos come in delightful colors.  At least that’s what I am told.

7. Think of the money you’ll save on ammo.


Ok, Guys.  Ready, set, go.  (Keep it clean! We’re going for laughs, not gross outs.)




Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

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93 Comments to “It’s a Thang, Y’all”

  1. austinhatlady says:


    loved that link! still giggling. in fact, all comments are giggle worthy. I can’t think of a single worthy addition.

  2. e platypus onion says:

    People openly carrying objects meant for pleasuring women are only out to embarass gawd fearing kounterfeit kristians and the militant kristapo. So far so good. 🙂

  3. SomedayGirl says:

    Openly carrying an AK around campus could get you a nod and a wave from the TX lege.

    Openly carrying around a dildo on campus could get you a misdemeanor citation from the local police.

    What a world, what a world.

  4. @ austinhatlady, if you’d like more (and who wouldn’t), here’s another from the same songwriter about what happens when a truckload of Viagra crashes into the town’s water supply:

    Re violence vs sex, I’ve read that Hollywood movies have to go out in several versions: for the middle east, they cut out the sex, and for Sweden etc. they cut out the violence. I guess if there’s violent sex they cut it for both and good riddance.

  5. Catherine D: reminds me of an item on a list of medical report bloopers: “Examination of genitalia revealed that he is circus sized.” Could go either way, but I’m betting on the larger end of the spectrum.

  6. RepubAnon says:

    “And remember, cucumbers are organic!” – Harold Hedd

  7. It’s quite clear that those gun nuts don’t understand irony and have no sense of humor.

  8. daChipster says:

    They’re both good for a few bangs.
    Either way, you’re f****d.
    One is a substitute for a phallus, the other is a dildo.
    Concealed carry is a lot more fun with a dildo.
    You press the gun’s trigger; the dildo presses yours.
    Nuts with a dildo are decoration. Nuts with a gun are dangerous.

  9. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha!

    I’m sorry, I opened my mouth and that’s all that came out. Sort of like the situation when my last boyfriend revealed himself, asking for a little h**d.

  10. 8. Dildos are cheaper and don’t require a background check.
    9. Dildos have more uses than guns.
    10. Dildos don’t require a permit nor training.
    11. Dildos are legal to carry at any age.

  11. e platypus onion says:

    RepubAnon-caution-cucumbers have been a source of food poisoning this year.

  12. Sandridge says:

    Once a week a busload of dildototers could zoom up I-35 to the Baylor campus for a friendly visit…

  13. e platypus onion says:

    On the bright side ladies,when boyfriends gets obsessed with bigger and bigger phallus symbol guns,you can do him one better. Yours costs nothing to operate and can be used in the privacy of your own home or downtown,for that matter,without requisite banging noise. Just don’t walk around with big smile on your face and he won’t suspect a thing.

  14. e platypus onion says:

    SomedayGirl,Texas wingnuts are put together funny. Their noses run and their feet smell. You have to make allowances,I guess.

  15. @SomedayGirl
    “Openly carrying around a dildo on campus could get you a misdemeanor citation from the local police.”

    And possibly a line of new best friends half a mile long.

  16. With a dildo, you don’t have to worry about getting pregnant!

  17. A young lady musician waiting to play hymns in a retirement home overheard two old ladies chat while they were knitting:

    “One of the nurses found my dildo and took it away. I don’t know where I’m going to find another one.”

    “Oh, honey, anything’s a dildo if you’re brave enough.”

    Musician reports that it is very painful to snort coffee out your nose.

    Now, see, “anything” is not a gun no matter how brave you are, so a dildo is better.

  18. You do realize that because of this, the Texas legislature is now going to outlaw dildos next year, right? Since carrying guns are a-okay, the next protest should be for students to carry toy pistols with condoms on the barrels.

  19. austinhatlady says:

    oh Rhea! Another good one. Thanks for sharing. she’s got a fetching voice, too!

  20. 8. Some guns have those neat carrying handles on top like dildos. Oh, wait . . .

    9. Will there be a dildo range on campus? (Don’t think about it too much.)

    10. Dildo 1.) pickled meat of a female deer, or 2.) what you make dill bread from.

  21. AlanInAustin says:

    I’m just surprised nobody’s made the obvious “holster” comment.

  22. Maybe you should re-title this post Fun With NOT Guns.

  23. e platypus onion says:

    Being what passes for a man,I have never seen a real live dildo. But I can say this,I have never had so much fun with something I’ve never laid eyes upon. Thank you Ms Juanita Jean.

  24. e platypus onion says:

    Come to think on it,maybe women should stock up now. If shooters discover dildoes work as good as ballistics gel for checking bullet penetration and performance,they will hog them all and leave ladies in the cold.

  25. Mister Lee says:

    The Ways Why A Dildo Is Better Than A Gun

    (12) If you’re packing a dildo instead of a pistol, you’re less likely to accidentally shoot yourself in the crotch or leg with a bullet.

  26. Ralph Wiggam says:

    Hook ’em horns, Make love not war!

  27. In 2010 there were 12,996 fewer deaths by dildos than by guns.

  28. Polite Kool Marxist says:

    Ladies, offer the Texas Challenge. Enter the Texas lege swinging your dildos and challenge the media to distinguish between the plastic dildos and the members of the TX lege.

  29. @pkm and possibly others

    The difference between a texas lege member and a real dildo is real simple. The real dildo isn’t a member of the texas lege. Oh wait there are some real dildos in the texas lege so maybe I’m wrong never mind.

    Carry on. I’ll be in the area most of the afternoon.

  30. Comment by Giedi Prime in the WashPost on dildos vs. guns:

    “I think the key in both cases is, whatever you think you might need that thing for later, don’t take it out in class and wave it around.”

  31. daChipster –

    That’s it, I give.

    Marry me.

    In fact, I’d like to marry all y’all, in a very platonic, none-exclusive, intellectual way, of course. And rest assured, I love you for your minds.

  32. As opposed to guns, the dildo pulls YOUR trigger.

  33. JAKvirginia says:

    82 comments so far. I believe it’s the most in JJ’s history! And all it took was dildos. What a fun crowd you all are :-))

    (Or really weird in a fun way. Woo hoo!)

  34. JAKvirginia, sex sells. It also racks up lots of comments. Really, imagine you’re from another planet and think about human sex. (Or think about the humans you think are from another planet.) Could there be anything funnier?

  35. JAKvirginia says:

    Reah: Well yeah. But y’know, if I had tons of money (like the Koch bros) I’d fly all you guys in to TX once a year for the Annual Juanita Jean’s Gab Fest and BBG — all expenses paid — just for the fun you guys make. It would be worth it for the good time. You all are priceless. The mashup video would go viral!

  36. JAKvirginia says:

    I meant BBQ. I have no idea what a BBG would even be.

  37. Polite Kool Marxist says:

    Micr, were you shooting for “while they may look alike, dildos serve a purpose; the Texas lege not so much”?

  38. PKM, dildos can (so I hear) provide a lot of excitement and pleasure. If anybody worth talking to has gotten similar from the Texas Lege, let me know. Well, maybe Molly Ivins, but only as a source of material.

  39. e platypus onion says:

    So lady students,strap them on and open carry your dildoes. Gently prod guys rear ends,the way guys do to women in crowded subways.

  40. Pridetyper says:

    Perhaps some of the local businesses will show solidarity. Consider an example. Visualize a pizza shop with a special on a dill pie. The dill is in the dough, and the pepperoni is cut longitudinally (instead of transverse cut), meatballs and mushrooms (fungi). Of course, the ingredients could be um…imaginatively assembled. White sauce is recommended.

    Hey, the students can’t be the only ones having fun.

  41. @PKM

    Thanks for the save young man. Yeah yeah that’s what I meant! 🙂

  42. Pridetyper, there’s a recipe like that by Nanny Ogg of Terry Pratchett’s Discworld, called Strawberry Wobbler. You make a strawberry mold in a champagne flute and set it on end in the bowl, with two scoops of strawberry ice cream next to it, and some cream drizzle. Bandanna [sic] Soup Surprise is similar.

  43. The ammosexuals are out in full force on the FB page.