Archive for the ‘Goat Rodeos’

A Dozen Donut Holes

April 05, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Goat Rodeos


“They say there’s 12 of them now,” Juanita announces while making coffee this morning.  “I’ll put up our one against all 12 of theirs.”

She’s talking about the 12 GOP Presidential hopefuls meeting in New Orleans.

“And why would they pick New Orleans?  To remind us of what a gosh-awful job they did there?  To visit some bawdy houses?  To get drunk and nakkid?” Juanita thinks they are up to no good.

At the Conservative Political Action Conference in February, Republicans dedicated hours of the event to promising to “kill” the health care bill. Now that it’s passed and Democrats are enjoying an uptick in popularity, it’s going to be time to refocus on a new line of attack. It’s also possible there will be either a refinement of the “repeal” message, or that that conference will showcase Republican divisions on the topic.

“I personally think the Republican lovefest in New Orleans is being fueled by a big burst of damned if I know,” Juanita suggests.

“One other thing,” Juanita grins, “don’t they know that fluffy rich white boys are scarce in new Orleans?  I think they are parachuting into a live volcano.”

I imagine we’ll get Aunt Wanda Lynn to get a ringside seat for this thing,” she promises, “and she’ll let us know which of these perfectly silly fools takes the cake.”

It’s About Time (UPDATE)

March 31, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Goat Rodeos


One word:  Teabonics.

(Safe for Work)

That is all.  It is enough.

UPDATE: Kary sent us another one —

Hey, babe, it’s spelled The Libruls and we’re also stealing your Marks-A-Lot and your poster board.

Thank you, TEA Party

March 30, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Goat Rodeos


Who wouldda thunk it?  Juanita s perfectly delighted with the Tea Party people today, after she read this

Contrary to historical trends, the Houston Chronicle notes one of the toughest challenges facing U.S. Census officials is “not from counting the traditionally undercounted groups such as African-Americans and Latinos. Instead, a new and growing threat to an accurate national head count is coming from anti-government conservatives who may not fill out their forms to protest against ‘Big Brother’ in Washington.”

In Texas, some of the counties with the lowest census return rates are among the state’s most Republican, including Briscoe County in the Panhandle, 8 percent; King County, near Lubbock, 5 percent; Culberson County, near El Paso, 11 percent; and Newton County, in deep East Texas, 18 percent. Most other counties near the bottom of the list are heavily Hispanic counties along the Texas-Mexico border.

“Oh yes,” she whoops, “ten years after Tom DeLay tried to marginalize the Democratic Party by gerrymandering Texas to his liking, his co-hearts are going to reverse the tables by shooting themselves in the foot.”

It could not happen to a more deserving bunch of people.

“And, all the old white people don’t forget, sending in your census is the first step to indoctrinating your grandchildren to be transgendered tattooed welfare queens who smoke dope and vote Democratic.  Don’t take that risk,” she warns.


Free Haircut, Style, or Perm

March 26, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Goat Rodeos


Juanita has a standing offer of a free haircut, style, or perm to Rachel Maddow any time she happens to be in town.

Juanita believes that Rachel Maddow is smartest person on television.  Maybe ever.  “She ought to be doing Meet The Press,” Juanita suggests to whoever it is who decides these things.

Well, Rachel took the cake and the icing this morning when people in Massachusetts woke up with a full page ad from Rachel explaining that Scott Brown is a jerk.  Big.  Ole.  Jerk.

It appears that Scott Brown is mailing himself around the country in a letter claiming that Rachel Maddow is running against him for Senate and that people should give him gobs of their hard earned money because, well dammit, Rachel Maddow is practically a communist.  He just made that up out of thin air. All of it.

“And, God love her, she challenged him on it,” Juanita grins.  “She patted him on  his little pointy head and gently steered him back to the reality section of the bookstore.  Go read it.”

Yep, Rachel Maddow is welcome at this place any time she wants to drop by.  We’ll even buy her a cup of coffee and send Thelma out to get her a kolache.


Makes Sense to Me

March 18, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Goat Rodeos



The Texas Board of Education finally made it big time – they were on The Daily Show last night.

If you didn’t know that republicans are creepy people who did not listen in high school, you know it now that the Texas School Board is in session.

“Good Lord,” Juanita sighs, “the Texas Board of Education is living proof that just because somebody has banana-breath doesn’t mean they are Tarzan.” Andy Borowitz takes his shot today.  Explaining the changes to our history books, including excluding Thomas Jefferson, Andy says he got a press release about it  —-

The one-sentence statement reads as follows: “If you were the state responsible for George W. Bush being elected President, you’d throw out your history books, too.”

Y’all, my personal state school board member is so nuts that even the nuts think she’s nuts. Her name is Cynthia Dunbar and she’s more bitter than gar broth. Please help me replace her with Dr. Judy Jennings, a smart, gorgeous, sane woman.  If you can help her, even a little bit like $5.00 will help, go chip in or mail her a check by clicking right here.  Judy has a great chance of winning but we need every dollar bill cash American money we can get.

Go show some love and tell her that Juanita sent you.  She won’t even make fun of you for it.


You Had To See This Coming

March 15, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Goat Rodeos


You knew she wasn’t going to be able to stay quiet about it.

She decided to be the last to weigh-in on the Texas School Board.  She knew it was going to get dumber.  It, of course, did.

McLeroy wanted “to focus just on the enlightenment folks,” he said. “The enlightenment, the way I understand it, are the ones like Montesquieu, Locke, Hobbes, all those folks. And Jefferson was in another generation. The founders were building on the enlightenment.”

McLeroy said he wanted students to learn that the French Revolution was built on different ideals than the American Revolution.

“In the Americas,” he said, “it had a different basis. I’m not the scholar that can just pop those things out, I just have my general impressions.”

“I am not a hairdresser who can just pop these hairdos out,” Juanita says, “I just have my general impressions of what to cut next and that’s why your new do looks like crap.”

Thomas Jefferson has been removed from Texas school books because he wasn’t a Christian.  We also cannot discuss the enlightenment because that just might make little children think for themselves.  It didn’t stop there.

“Everything was about Religion. There was one [amendment] that said Battle of San Jacinto gave religious freedom. And one lady in the audience came up to me later and said ‘religious freedom? That’s when the Texas Rangers began hanging the Hispanics.

And to prove Juanita’s theory that conservatives are far too obsessed with s-e-x to be having a healthy s-e-x life of their very own —-

A discussion over gender roles was even more puzzling. The current curriculum asks students to examine how the traditional roles of men and women had changed since the 1950’s. But the seven staunch conservatives on the board said the feared the text would promote trans-sexualism and sex change operations.

“Yes, siree, if we explain that women in the same job as a man make 80% as much money, Little Johnnie will rush right out to have his winkie removed so he, too, can charmingly  make less money,” Juanita laments.

“Honey, they’ve cornered the market on cornpone,” she sighs.