And Ever Since Then, Ted Cruz Has Been Our Dildo
I have been talking about Donald Trump far too much considering that the alternative is worse – Ted Cruz.
We do not cotton to people having sex toys in Texas. In 2003, a mother was arrested by undercover agents for hosting a “passion party” where devices of a sexual nature were being sold to women in the privacy of their homes, kinda like Tupperware. The State of Texas considers lady parties to be obscene.
At the time all this was happening, Ted Cruz was the Solicitor General of Texas. That means he defends the state in lawsuits.
Ancient warriors threw spears at each other. Lawyers replicate that by throwing paper at each other. Court files can grow so large that they need a dolly to carry them around, and this case was no different.
The case Cruz argued to the courts had this as its central theme:
“There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.”
There was a “government” interest, it maintained, in “discouraging…autonomous sex.”
So the pursuit of happiness does not cover masturbation, and the police could barge in your home at any time to see what your hand is doing.
Texas’ policy at the time was that you could own a sex toy but you couldn’t buy one. If that law had been upheld, sex toy craft classes would have had their own HGTV show.
The courts have overruled Cruz’s argument but that’s when Texas women decided that Ted Cruz was our dildo.
Thanks to Ralph for the heads up.
Ted’s college roommate replied on Twitter —
Oh my. He is a repressed SOB isn’t he? It’s a wonder Heidi let him near her long enough to spawn two kids. Bet he wanted a boy and she refused to submit again. That must have been when she was so depressed she tried to get run over on a freeway…..hmmmm.
1Just looking at Cruz’s photo is enough to discourage me from autonomous sex.
2Yes, I must take issue with Donnie Drumpf! The sobriquet Lyin’ belongs to Paul Ryan, Lyin’ Ryan. The Loathsome Ted Crooze is the Vagina Villain.
So please Donnie, feel free to use the proper sobriquet for Teddie and improve your polls with the lady folks.
Meanwhile, it’s unfortunate that $carah spurned Teddie. They were the original abstinence only pair. Her voice and his face were the guarantees that abstinence only would succeed.
3Friends don’t let friends near a Canadian/Cuban Raphael resembling dildo. Under any circumstances. This is the wrong amount of wrong. This will not stay in Vegas. My gawd….
4Geeze,
Don’t understand how I missed that lawsuit – unless it was because I was attending a ‘passion party’ in Tennessee with a bunch of RNs from Vanderbilt UniversityMedical Center – so at least, we had medical information~rofl
5From Ted’s college roommate, Craig Mazin, this morning:
“Ted Cruz thinks people don’t have a right to “stimulate their genitals.” I was his college roommate. This would be a new belief of his.”
6@Lorraine in Spring
That’s just precious. His nacilbupeR opponents should package that quote up in a pre-convention packet.
7Oh, Craig, tell us more. Please, tell us everything. Expose this sanctimonious sycophant for the hypocrite we all know he is.
8Lorraine in Spring, and Craig Mazin via Lorraine, it’s a good thing pomegranate green tea just helps to clean the keys, or you would owe me a new keyboard.
9BusTed
10Makes perfect sense. How many women and possibly men have been assaulted with gun barrels? But,but,but guns are sacred.
11Thank God for EBAY!!!
12Ya know, teddy did use a gun to cook bacon – who knows what else he does with guns or gun cleaning products.
13Here a new campaign slogan:
14TEDious
I guess guns are okay unless/until they are used as sex toys, at which point they would fall under this law.
Of course in the broadest sense guns are usually sex toys. They fall in the category of penis extenders.
15“The courts have overruled Cruz’s argument but that’s when Texas women decided that Ted Cruz was our dildo.”
Yeah, but nobody wants him anywhere near them.
16Today Cruz’ Christian College room mate posted that Cruz sex toy was his bed pillow.
17Dildo? Not hardly…
ShafTed is the immiscible rectal suppository of US politics.
With procTed around we’re all getting it up the azz.
(and that image of Master-ba-Ted in a dorm lav whacking his (teeny) bacon off just set mah dinner back a couple hours)
In other news, last night’s storm damage in the San Antonio area (all the way west to Del Rio and Eagle Pass, and eastward to Houston) is pretty danged huge (pics on the local teevee websites, looks like a firefight/artillery bombardment went through, yeeow).
18Hail to 3.5″/baseball size, high winds, etc., has wrought some serious devastation (no major injuries reported, though you have to wonder how bad it was to the wildlife when trees and the countryside got shredded like salad). Most of it was north of me, so dodged it, still got ~a third inch of rain.
Ted the rejecTed. There’s the classic of his daughters emoting that they rather be hit by a bus than be bussed by Ted. Heidi opted for death by an anonymous freight truck over Ted. The women of Texas, Tupperware and Tupelo rejected Ted. Even $carah deserTed. And, CONservative Grandmother of Wingnuttery, Phyllis Schafly, ejecTed in favor of Donnie Drumpf. What can you say about a guy who had to pay for Carly Fiorina’s love?
19Oozy objects to our being titillaTED, but reserves that right for himself.
20Here’s more about Craig Manzin, Cruz’s roommate at Princeton. He is a screenwriter and director. Maybe he’ll make a movie called Life with Ted.
21As others before me have stated on other posts, “…there ain’t enough brain bleach in the universe to wash that image out of my mind…” Gawddddd!
22Should I have said ” staTED”?
23@Origuy
TED Talks?
24I’m shockted, SHOCKTED, I tell you!
Will there be a special TED attachment for future Sybians? Only RWNB women.
25This,if nothing else, proves the cruzer has never been in the m itary or in prison.
26Can you imagine what he would do about birth control if elected POTUS??
And why does he only have 2 children?
27@Diane
Have we confirmed his claim with DNA testing. Those kids might have a fighting chance if he is not their sperm donor.
28Being a real pR*%$ he doesn’t want the competition from fake ones.
29Holy Crap. Thanks for reminding me what a zealot Ted is. American Taliban all the way.
30Unanimous ovation here for room-mate Craig! You go, Craig! Don’t be bashful. Feel free to tell us more!
31Here I am saying it all again. They just don’t think before they say or do something. They don’t even hire people to do that for them. Millionaires and billionaires but they won’t part with a nickel for some editors. They think: Hey, what the heck! Nobody from my past will give me any problems! (Groan) As for his service as solicitor,he obviously slept through the law school class on “standing”. Ladies having a party of any sort do not do concrete harm to any particular state! Cruiser just earned his moron stripes with that one!
32I worked for an online porn company at the time that lawsuit was adjudicated; the resultant upswing in sex toys sales was jinormous!
33@Diane, don’t you know that Heidi hangs out in places where all the ladies’ rooms are stocked with condoms, which she was buying for birth control? demenTED was counting on that; it’s the “easy access to birth control” that women already have, you know.
I just can’t remember the last time I was in a ladies’ room that had a condom dispenser, and if I recall, that was in a pretty sleazy filling station. Heidi must hang with the best!
34Here in Juneau they are called Pajama Parties. Not so innocent though as pajama parties though. Some wine, some toys, some more wine…lots of fun.
Not that I would know.
35Hmmm, though…though…my mind must have been elsewhere.
36This post and every comment has made my day. Hilllllllllllarious! Thank you all from the heart of my bottom.
37Ted’s college roommate is a national treasure, IMO.
38So in RafaelWorld, I’m not allowed to go eff myself?
39So Ted’s roomie is a screenwriter and director? Does this mean that a new sequel “Bill andXXXXXXXX Ted’s not-so-Excellent Adventure” will be along soon?
40Maryelle, Check out Wonkette,they have the story on Masterba-TED. I believe his roommate meant an new relief for Cruz.
41Maryelle, Check out Wonkette,they have the story on Masterba-TED. I believe his roommate meant a new relief for Cruz.
42