Adopting Britain

June 30, 2016 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

Look, things are so bad in England right now that the only sensible and kind solution is for us to make them the 51st State.  However, they don’t get two Senators or any House members at all.  If you want to call it “payback” for taxation without representation that’s a little harsh. True, but harsh.

UK-Union-FlagThere are some drawbacks, however.

First, we’d have to decide once and for all what football is. Is it football or is it soccer? I think we need an answer.

We’d have to print ballots in two languages:  English and whatever Harry Potter language it is that they speak.

The little prince will have to get involved with a Kardashian.

We get Dame Judith Dench. They have to take Kanye.

They can come to our horse races and they can even wear those hats, but none of that tea drinking. It’s Mint Juleps or go home.

You know those little sandwiches with the crust cut off filled with cucumber? No. Don’t do that. Come to think of it, we shouldn’t allow them to cook at all.

They have to shuddup about Martin Luther when the Pope visits.

Polo and Cricket are out. I have no idea what the point of those games are, but there are way too many mallets involved.  How would baseball be if everybody on the field had a bat?  It’d be polo, that’s what.  If it doesn’t involve the infield fly rule or first downs, just don’t do it.

If you’re going to call it Boxing Day, boxing has to be involved.

They can keep the Queen. Her idiot son is quite another matter.

Michael Gove? We’ll ask him to do the honor of swimming over to DeeCee to finalize this contract.

All of these rules are open for revision and addition by the customers and staff of The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc.


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39 Comments to “Adopting Britain”

  1. Excellent…….there may be some takers!

  2. RepubAnon says:

    Can we make the Tower of London the new official residence of Donald Trump?

  3. It’s DENCH not Dinch, Darn it!


    And while we are adding States, I wanna nominate Mexico and Canada. So when the dust settled the USofA, Mexico, and Canada would be the United States of the Whole GD Planet, West and the former UK would be the United States of the Whole GD Planet, East. And YES we’ll talk Australian with the Aussies if they go and start feeling bad bout themselves.

    Hey EU! Hey Russia! I gotcher free trade zone right here!

  5. Juanita Jean Herownself says:

    Shirt, I will go fix that right this minute. Thank you.

  6. Soccer should be “football” because they use a (round) ball and move it with their feet. American football can be called hand-egg.

    If we get Judi Dench and they get Kanye, is that supposed to be a fair trade? If we trade some other people, can we get Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellan, and Helen Mirren, or are they over here already?

    Some British cooking is allowed. Their national dish these days is curry.

    Okay, granted Charles has some wacko ideas, but part of me has to like a guy married to a young trophy wife who can’t forget the kinda frumpy old girlfriend they wouldn’t let him marry. He does have a sense of humor: I saw a clip of him as a college student trying to play the bagpipes, and it looked like he was losing a wrestling match with a frenzied squid. And would anybody grow up halfway normal with a father like that? (Favorite Philip quote, to a Scottish driving instructor: “How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?”)

  7. Oh,my NO. At least not statehood immediately. Let them get a taste for what a colony feels like.

    As for formally adjoining Canada and Mexico to us, how about letting them start out with us as a consortium until they get the hang of things. There will be plenty of collaboration, especially in the form of trade.

    Gosh, remember how Newtie and Pat Buchanan use to rave on and on about Canada and Mexico joining in with us? It would be worth it just to see their heads explode!

  8. My favorite quote from the future:

    Two 51st state English tourists are visiting Texas for the first time, and stop to ask directions. The small town resident looks at them quizzically for a moment, then speaks slowly and loudly, “You’re in AMERICA now, speak ENGLISH.”

  9. slipstream says:

    Heck with Great Britain. Let’s take the Bahamas instead.

  10. Eleanor Severson says:

    Sorry “dreamers” Canada likes things the way they are.
    Less guns, more healthcare and reasonably sane politicos. There are exceptions to the last one.

  11. BarbinDC says:

    No, not the 51st state. That’s reserved for DC (and, yes, we will have 2 Senators). The 52nd may well be Puerto Rico.

    England will have to get in line.

  12. e platypus onion says:

    Bad idea all around. The Rolling Stones would immediately take everyone’s SS because they are so old and wired to the gills, they will never die. Awesome R&R(excluding the Stones and Beatles) came out of that country. I’d take Ringo’s wife in her prime and there were some awesome movies filmed for PBS. Australia is full of eye candy and nude beaches with man eating sharks and saltwater crocs.

  13. two crows says:

    Arthur C. Clark and Terry Prachett are way ahead of you.

    In 2002, they wrote a novel together. The Light of Other Days, I think it was. It predicted that Britain opted out of the EU and, two years later, became the 52nd state of the US. And the Royal Family was packed off to Australia where they were still liked – or tolerated, anyway.

    Science fiction does just keep getting the jump on reality, dunnit? Who else would have predicted this mess 14 years ago?

  14. Mah Fellow Murkuhn says:

    Boxing Day probably does involve boxing. Boxing up unwanted Christmas presents for regifting. 😀

    England and the US are countries separated by a common language. If you print the ballots, they should be readable on either side of the pond. It’s just the weird pronunciation that makes them hard to understand.

    Polo does involve things other than bats. Horses, for example. Baseball played on horses might be interesting. Cricket, though, is one of the least interesting pastimes involving balls that I can imagine. Who has the time to try to keep up with a game that can last for days? A 3-hour baseball game is beyond the endurance of many people now.

  15. e platypus onion says:

    Tea and Crumpets? Hell no. How about barbeque and greasy fast food?

  16. Annabelle Lee says:

    Do we also get national health care and their very civilized attitude toward guns?

  17. bud maone says:

    Make sure they would be part of the deep South.

  18. Oldayfly says:

    When W. was selected (not elected) some US folk suggested that maybe it would be better if Queen Elizabeth 11 took over the US, because we weren’t doing a good job of governing. One wag suggested that the Queen was willing to accept governing the US, except for (Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia–take your choice) because “she doesn’t fancy it.”

  19. We gotta outlaw boarding schools for their elites. Send ’em to public schools instead, preferably in London’s East End. Wow, would those kids learn a LOT that they’re not learning now! Do that, and British public schools, especially their funding, would be fixed within a month.

    Force the elites to get all their medical care in NHS hospitals, same as everyone else. NHS would be back to being fully funded and functional, again, within a month.

    Pass a law that any elite that wants to send his kid to study at Sandhurst, the kid’s gotta first do a combat tour of duty in Iraq or Afghanistan, or wherever else NATO is fighting, and certainly in the infantry. Britain would be outta NATO so fast it would make your head swim. And the British military would have much better leadership to boot.

    Oh, and another thing. About that beer. It’s meant to be served COLD, dammit!

  20. Polite Kool Marxist says:

    Let’s negotiate. If Canada will take back Loathsome Crooze and Justin Bieber, while Australia reclaims the Murdoch clan and offers asylum to all of their tainted ‘journalists’, we might have room to admit the UK to the union. But, only after 50-100 years as a colony, the Royal Treasury becomes our treasury, the “Royals” go to a former colony, maybe Hong Cong or Uganda, Brits promise not to share recipes or cook, and any UK person claiming to be a dentist must completely redo their education in the USA.

  21. Eleanor Severson, I agree with Canada being way ahead of us on health care and gun laws. But that mayor of Toronto who said that yeah, he’d probably done cocaine “during one of my drunken stupors” was a standout exception to sane politicos.

    Speaking of cocaine and drunken stupors, if we annex Britain, do we get to take Keith Richards to a lab so we can figure out the secret of immortality?

  22. JAKvirginia says:

    Hey now! QE’s son is not an idiot. Read his books. He’s really quite intelligent. Skip over that whole Diana mess. That should never have happened.

    And I’d put him up against any of B. Bush’s sons any day.

  23. Old Fart says:


    Outside of Hogworts, are you *really* sure you want the UK? I wonder if Scotland would still be part (there goes the oil), and then there’s all those sexist/racist hooligans that would expect national health…

    Seriously, they would probably torch the place before they would become a state!

  24. e platypus onion says:

    Rhea-Mayor Rob Ford went the way of the Edsel and ptero

  25. Myrnatoo says:

    OK, this doesn’t quite fit in here, but it is from / about Britain, and Trump. If you haven’t read or heard about it, he and his sons have been bombarding politicians overseas with emails asking for money. I found this article on BBC news, it includes a copy of a letter from either Uday or Qusay, asking for money, and a really great reply by an MP.

  26. two crows says:

    Oh and btw: turn-about IS fair play. Remember the email that went around just after Bush II was elected? The one from Queen Elizabeth declaring that Britain was reclaiming the US as it had proved itself incapable of self-governance?

    And now Andy Borowitz has written a column in which he declares that Britain has forfeited its right to claim that Americans are dumber than they are — till next November anyway — and are now rooting for President Trump so they can get their “not dumbest” status back.

    And to JAKvirginia: That’s an awfully low bar you’re setting there. I do believe Charles could whup any of Bush’s sons with 100 IQ points tied behind his back.

  27. Sandridge says:

    In other news:
    Seems Willie is unlikely to ever get Alzheimer’s, as long as he keeps pickin’ that ‘Maui Wowee’ leafy stuff along with his guitar:

    “Scientists from the Salk Institute have found some preliminary evidence that suggests tetraydrocannabinol (THC) and other cannabinoids found in marijuana show signs of promoting the removal of amyloid beta—the toxic protein also known as the “plaque” associated with Alzheimer’s disease.”

    Ginger-haired high-blinds drifter:
    Hey,I know Ms B had a thread up on the stuff, but that was a while past…

  28. Sandridge says:

    In other news:
    Seems Willie is unlikely to ever get Alzheimer’s, as long as he keeps pickin’ that ‘Maui Wauwee’ leafy stuff along with his guitar:

    “Scientists from the Salk Institute have found some preliminary evidence that suggests tetraydrocannabinol (THC) and other cannabinoids found in marijuana show signs of promoting the removal of amyloid beta—the toxic protein also known as the “plaque” associated with Alzheimer’s disease.”

    Ginger-haired high-blinds drifter:
    Hey,I know Ms B had a thread up on the stuff, but that was a while past…

  29. Sandridge says:

    Urk, carp
    Double posted, my innertoobz are throttled down to about 11K bps and pages, even JJ’s ‘light’ ones take minutes to load. Hard to tell what’s going on.
    Thanks very much, major cell ISP oligopolist corporation…FU and the Deathstar you rode in on.

  30. Sandridge, I love the image of retirement homes in a few years, with all us old Boomers sitting around puffing weed and playing good music…..

  31. I want to be there too, Rhea and Sandridge. Can I? Can I?

  32. You mentioned the infield fly rule reminded me of this pearl of wisdom from my grandfather: If you can find a woman who can bake a lemon pie and knows the infield fly rule, you will be happy for the rest of your life.

  33. Teh Gerg says:

    England has been a mess for centuries. Why in the world should they agree to add our messes to the ones they already have?

  34. Sandridge says:

    Debbo, Sure ‘nough.
    Willie was starting up some Colorado…errrr…botanical shoppes, JJ had a thread on it here, Willie’s Reserve.
    He could probably fire up some nifty nursing homes. Establish a franchise op, targeted at certain Boomer demographics. Featuring his botanicals and ‘country outlaw’ themed music.
    Probably reasonably priced too.
    Anybody got any good biz name ideas for Willie’s retirement ranches? ‘Willie’s Toke ‘n Pick Reserve’, ‘Garden of Green’, ‘Mellow Leaf Land’, ‘Night Life and Mary Jane’, Whiskey River Botanical Garden’…

    Out of curiosity, from seeing a teevee commercial, I looked into a big upscale SA retirement place. Yeow, a condo started about $400K and went way up, monthly fees about $1.5K, plus extras, holeemolee.
    I got my own liveaboard ‘cruiseship’, away from the ranch, ain’t about to change anything in order to hang out with a bunch of high dollar geriatric RW’ers.

  35. Marge Wood says:

    I guess I’ll let y’all work all that out. I’m staying put, with or without Brits and marijuana.

  36. Zyxomma says:

    Puerto Rico keeps voting for statehood. If there’s going to be a 51st, that’s the one.

  37. Jim Maughan says:

    The last time you tried to make Canada join you your White House got burned down.
    Just sayin’.
    You ‘Merkins are a riot.

  38. JohninDenver says:

    Close, but no cigar. The Light of Other Days isn’t Terry Pratchett … And according to the infallible Wikipedia, is “a 2000 science fiction novel written by Stephen Baxter based on a synopsis by Arthur C. Clarke”

  39. Elizabeth Moon says:

    Their horse races are better than our horse races, and polo a) exists here (was once highly favored by the cavalry) and b) is an exciting game to watch. Lay off critiquing UK horses and horse sports, because having ridden over there…well, let’s just say that whoever thinks theirs suck just hasn’t watched the Cheltenham Gold Cup (or Grand National) or any of their other races on their TV where there’s horse racing ALL the time and you don’t have to wait for a May or November, and as for their horses: good hooves, good hocks, no peanut-rollers, sound and athletic and a blast to ride.

    “Light of Other Days” was a “slow glass” story by Bob Shaw way before Baxter, in 1966 or thereabouts. Titles can repeat. Shaw’s slow glass stories were remarkable and the final one was heartbreaking. (Yes, I read the slow glass stories when they came out. I am that old. I was in college for that one.) I should have a collection of his somewhere if it didn’t get ruined in the leak in my mother’s house that ruined quite a few books.)


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