Archive for May, 2014

Holy Crap: The How To Get Your Man To Wash The Dishes Edition

May 28, 2014 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

The thing you have to admire about Pat Robertson:  he pretty much knows how to manipulate people and he’s perfectly willing to share that information even when you’d rather not know what creepy thing is going on inside his head.

pat_robertsonPat Robertson has the secret to a loving and exciting marriage. When a husband does the dishes, a wife should reward him with sex. Husbands, the octogenarian televangelist claims, have an innate need to “to provide for his family,” and so for “providing” clean dishes a wife should provide sex.

Well, that’s kinda weird.  What does a wife get in return for doing the dishes?  Well, certainly not sex.  No, sireeee.  Women do not like s-e-x.  So, maybe a BMW?  Diamond necklace?  A hand tooled pink leather saddle with rhinestone trim and some red silk ribbons … whoa, wait, I just wandered into Thelma’s dream.

I’m gonna tell you an absolutely true story here.  It’s long but it’s good.

When my friend Reba turned 60 years old, she was watching one of those teevee evangelist shows because Reba is a member of the First Baptist Church.  But she is the good kind of Baptist and a yellow dog Democrat so we get along well.

Anyway, a woman on one of the 700 Club shows was talking about how to keep your marriage sparkin’.  She suggested that meeting your husband at the front door buck nakkid wearing only Saran Wrap and a large bow would get him frisky.  Reba is not a narrow person in either mind or body, so she pondered this for a couple of weeks.

This idea collided with her husband Joe’s 63rd birthday.  They had been married since Reba was 18 years old and she thought maybe their relationship could use some kinky.  So, Reba bought some Saran Wrap and made a big ole bow and waited for Joe’s birthday.

Joe owned and ran a gas station up on the corner.  He came home for lunch every day because Reba is a helluva cook.  She wrapped herself in Saran Wrap and used the bow as an accent.  Then she put a strategically placed sign that said, “Unwrap me” on top of this outfit.

Joe came home.  He had a heart attack.

Joe was laying on the floor grabbing his chest and hollering, “Call 911.  Call 911.”  Reba is hollering back, “Joe, I can’t call 911 until I get out of this Saran Wrap.  So don’t you dare die until I do.  Don’t you dare.  You stay alive until I get this off!  You hear me, Joe?  Do you?”

Joe yelled, “Reba, where did you get that dress-thing?”  Reba replied, as any good Christian woman would, “The 700 Club.”

The ambulance arrives and totes Joe off to the hospital.  Needless to say, at this point Reba was whispering in his ear in her most malevolent voice, “Don’t you ever tell anybody what gave you a heart attack, Joe, or I will be mad as a hornet.”

That evening Brother Bob, Reba and Joe’s pastor, arrives at the intensive care unit of the local hospital to bring comfort to the suffering.  While Reba and I were sitting outside waiting for her time to go in, the nurses allow Brother Bob to go in to see Joe.

After about ten minutes, Brother Bob emerges from seeing Joe.  Reba asked how he was and Brother Bob told her that Joe seemed fine but that he had asked Brother Bob to please tell Reba not to shop at the 700 Club.  “Reba, what were you buying at the 700 Club?” Brother Bob asked.

“Bibles, Preacher, Bibles,” Reba answered with a straight face.

She might be going to hell. I dunno.

Completely true story.  I flat love Reba.

Fun With Guns: The People of WalMart Edition

May 28, 2014 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

WalMart Warning:  If you hold a license to carry permit, you are allowed one free “accidental” discharge inside the store.

A woman pushing her newborn son in a shopping cart was injured in a freak shooting incident at a Walmart store in Columbus, Ind., according to local media reports.

Police say a .22-caliber pistol fell from the pants of Tony E. Ward on Saturday evening. When the gun hit the floor, it discharged. The bullet missed the baby, but hit a bottle of soda in the cart, then ricocheted and struck the woman in the upper arm — and it all happened while the local chief of police was in the store, according to WBIW.

A licensed gun owner shooting inside a WalMart can no longer be classified as a “freak” accident.  It happened earlier this month in Phoenix.  So, it’s pretty much a “regular” accident.  Or, an accident you can count on.

They are either going to have to pay their people a decent salary or offer target practice for their customers.

Just another free, friendly service from the good people at WalMart.  “Come on in and leave with free bullets in your butt.”

Thanks to Charles for the heads up.

The Place Where Good Ideas Get Born. And Die.

May 28, 2014 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

You know how sometimes you see something and slap yourself on the forehead and ask, “Why didn’t I think of that?”

This is not one of those times.

Glouster, Ohio, is not a place you’d suspect there would be a mess of stoopid ideas.  Why, you’d probably be surprised there’s any ideas at all there.

Customer Richard found the Mother of All Bad Ideas standing proudly, okay standing, in Ohio.

Click on the little one to see the big one.


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If you can’t see it because I felt the need to let you know the entire ambiance, here’s the sign.

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The Brickyard Carry Out and Drive Thru GUNS & AMMO.

And beer.

There’s gotta be beer.

Thank you Richard for the heads up.

Primary Run-Off Day in Texas

May 27, 2014 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

You’ll be happy to know that on the GOP side for Lt. Guv., Crazy Dan Patrick is beating incumbent David Dewhurst in early voting with 63% of the vote.  Thats a whooping’.  That mean that our Leticia Van De Putte will get to run against a guy who is radical far right.  Look, I don’t mind that Dan Patrick got mental health help 30 years ago.  What I mind is that he ain’t getting it now.

And on the Democratic side, David Alameel is whippin’ Kesha Rogers.  That’s a good thing.

More updates to come…

Texas Tribune calls the Democratic Senate race for Davis Alameel.

AP has declared Dan Patrick the winner.   Thank you Radical Republicans for handing this to us.

And Your Toys Don’t Trump My Children

May 27, 2014 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

Joe the Plumber was always a joke.

His name isn’t Joe and he’s not a plumber.  He was just your average doofus who thought his lack of eduction made him Forest Gump.

Until today.  Today he drew the line in the sand to tell the parents who lost children in Santa Barbara that his hobby trumps their children’s lives.

He wrote an open letter to those parents, and found this the right time and place to say —

“In conclusion, I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are going through, having had your child taken away from you,” he wrote. “However, any feelings you have toward my rights being taken away from me, lose those.”

If the devil lives at the very bottom of hell, he’s gonna have to lift his foot to reserve a place for this guy.

If Joe the Plumber (Samuel Wurzelbacher) wants to make that the choice: his personal weakness and fetish or our kids, I’ll be happy to make that the battle.

The one thing he got right – he doesn’t know that pain.  He doesn’t even come close to knowing.

Sorry guys, but I just had to get this off my chest.

Fun With Guns: Oh Sure, Now That You Look Like an Idiot, You’re Sorry Edition

May 27, 2014 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

Remember Gary Keihne, the guy running for congress in Arizona who said that 99% of all mass shooters are Democrats?

He’s so sorry.

On Monday, Kiehne issued a public apology and said his comments were inaccurate. He says he shouldn’t have made the remarks without any reservations.

Okay, what exactly would those reservations be?  The “if I look stupid” exception or the “it sounded good at the time” reservation?

And then his opponent, Mr. Crazyhorse Prissypants, retorted with this —

Arizona House Speaker Andy Tobin is also running for the seat and said Kiehne should leave the race after a pattern of “bizarre and deeply offensive” remarks.

Well hell, son, that never stopped a Republican before.

Thanks to Scott for the heads up.