Archive for May, 2010

Willie Should Have Done It Here

May 27, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized


Willie got his hair cut, which I hate.

The shirt, however, I love.

Okay, Steeple People, Give It Up

May 27, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized


“If you’re not willing to support gays in the military and the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, you will be required to enlist in the military.  That’s gonna be the law when I’m President,” Juanita announced this morning.

Juanita’s first assistant hairdresser,  Winston Taylor “Twirlie” Harrison, came across the shop and hugged her a big one.

Twirlie was a Marine.  Who liked show tunes.  Nobody seemed to mind.

“Gays have served in the military forever,” Twirlie reports.  “We just had to hide it.  Which is all kinds of strange considering that rape of female enlisted is a major problem.”

He’s right.  Twirlie usually is.

“It’s time.  In fact, it’s way past time.  And if you oppose it, go enlist because we need more folks enlisting.  Otherwise, shut the heck up.”

Way To Go, Brownie.

May 27, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized



WASHINGTON — Democratic sources say the Obama administration has fired the head of the U.S. Minerals Management Service in response to blistering criticism over lax oversight of offshore drilling.

The sources, speaking on condition of anonymity before the official announcement, tell The Associated Press that President Barack Obama will announce the decision Thursday.

“Girl, if that’s the best you can do, turn in your hooters and move out of town like you’ve got a handful of fire,” Juanita says with ice water running through her veins.  “We don’t handle incompetence well.  We’ve had enough under Bush to last a generation or three.”

“And, come to find out, we’ve been lied to all along.  BP’s story was taller than it was wide:  this is the worst oil spill in US history.  I fully understand that the Exxon Valdez was caused by a drunk.  Same deal with this one – except that they were drunk with greed, not alcohol.”

Thelma pipes in, “The clean up is going to harder than trying to get a drink out of a firehose.  Like shooting pool with a calf rope.  Eating jello with chopsticks.  Trying to light a wet match.  Catching a housefly with a tea cup.  Picking up …..”

“We get it,” everyone says in unison.

“Think about it in cosmic terms,” Thelma suggests.  “By the time we get that mess cleaned up, our clothes will be out of style.”

Whoa ….. That hit home.

A Hundred Hours of Community Service and a Lifetime of Twitdom

May 26, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized


Those of you who live around here know that Fort Bend is blessed to have a local connection to that whole made-up ACORN sting thing.

One of Fort Bend’s representative to the State Republican Executive Committee was all puffed-up and proud that her granddaughter, Hannah Giles, played the hooker.

And then, apparently, a hooker wasn’t needed to break into Senator Mary Landrieu’s office, because Hannah’s pimp did that operation with another sucker.

Four conservative activists accused of trying to tamper with the phones in Sen. Mary Landrieu’s office pleaded guilty Wednesday to misdemeanor charges of entering federal property under false pretenses.  James O’Keefe, 25, famous for wearing a pimp costume in a video that embarrassed the ACORN, was sentenced to three years probation, 100 hours of community service and a $1,500 fine.

Terese Raia and Friend

“So, Ms. Terese Raia, Member of the SREC, Super DeLux Brand Christian and Woman  Obsessed With Gay Folks, has been terribly silent since all this happened. And, oddly, Congressvarmint Pete Olson hasn’t retracted his resolution honoring Giles and O’Keefe, because he takes his orders from Ms. Raia,” Juanita reports.

Any ideas where Little Mr. Snappypants should have to do his community service?

The Swift Urgency of Now

May 26, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized


Juanita voted for President Obama and she’s gonna do it again.

But she ain’t none too please with him right about now.

Juanita is a third generation Gulf Coaster.   She has survived hurricanes, tropical storms, smoke fumes from the refineries, a major explosion in Texas City, and David Duke.

But, to think that the future of the Gulf Coast for generations is in the hands of a foreign owned petroleum company is more than she can stand.

“British Petroleum is acting so slow that you’d think we were saving them to fetch the doctor when the devil gets sick,” she stomps.

Juanita agrees with James Carville

His voice rising, Carville cried out, “Man, you got to get down here and take control of this! Put somebody in charge of this thing and get this moving! We’re about to die down here!”

“Last I heard, BP was going to toss a crocheted hankerchief over the leak and ask it nicely to suck it up,” Juanita says.

“I have an idea,” Juanita says.  “My idea is that BP has to shut down all their other off-shore drilling until the leak that is destroying the Gulf Coast is stopped.  That just might be the motivation they need.  Let’s face it – money is all that matters to them.”

“I’m perfectly serious.  And until they do stop this practically premeditated disaster, my friend Dirt Janochek is busily loading cans of crude into his fishing boat which he plans to take to Great Britain and dump into the River Thames,” Juanita reports with a tad of glee.

“Look, Mr. President, if you don’t want to come down here and kick some hiney, I am a card carrying member of the Daughters of the American Revolution.  It’s in my genes to kick British butt and I don’t mind that job one little bit,” Juanita offers.  “Hell, Hon, I can can go down there and whine them into fixing this thing!”

“But, for heaven’s sake, Mr. President, do something.  We truly are about to die down here.”

“I’d rather skin skunks with a dull knife while giving birth to triplets than wait one more day while BP has another case chronic and reoccurring case of Damned If I Know.   I think it’s contagious,” she frets.

For My Friends in Foreign States Who Have Not Subscribed to The Texas Observer and Ought to Be Ashamed of Themsleves For It Because The Observer is The Flagship of Texas Liberalism.

May 25, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized


It’s up.  Thank you again, Robert.

(It’s work safe.)