Welcome to Texas, Soldier. No, Wait.

April 28, 2015

I love yew, Texas.

If you haven’t heard, there’s going to be a large military exercise around the country from July 15th to September 15th.  It’s called Jade Helm 15 because all military trainings have names and that one wasn’t taken, I suppose.  Texas has five counties involved and the rightwing is damn sure that it means Obama is taking over and gonna put all them in a concentration camp Just! Like! Hitler!

So one of the Texas counties is Bastrop.  Bastrop is between here and Austin.  There’s some strange people living there.

After the county judge gave the military permission to hold some of these trainings in Bastrop, the citizenry went beeeeserk.

 

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Lt. Col. Mark Lastoria answered questions for two hours from a crowd of more than 150 people at a special meeting of the Bastrop County Commissioners, hoping to allay locals’ concerns that the training operation is a way for the federal government to take over Texas and much of the Southwest. Instead, Lastoria was told that he couldn’t be trusted and was asked whether Jade Helm 15 will involve bringing foreign fighters from the Islamic State to Texas, whether U.S. troops will confiscate Texans’ guns and whether the Army intends to implement martial law through the exercise. (The answer for all three was no.)

One of the Bastrop residents insisted that the army was there to “gather intelligence” from the citizenry.  Honey, if that was their mission, they would not be in Bastrop because there ain’t none there.

Cowboy!  Think about it.  If the military wanted to take over, they would not ask your permission first.  They would just do it because I do not care a hill of beans how many guns you have, they have tanks.  And bombers.  And stuff you have never even heard of.  It’s probably already in your front yard but you can’t see it because it’s covered in cammo.

Fort Hood, the most populous military base in the whole damn world, is an hour and half away by tank.  Giant Dyess Air Base is 15 minutes away by B1 Bomber.  There are 60 soldiers coming to Bastrop with Jade Helm 15.  Sixty.  I can see why this would upset your daily routine.

Here’s the plan:  The rightwing should stay at home sitting by their radios listening for instructions during Jade Helm while the rest of us applaud our military for sweating in Texas so they won’t bleed on the battlefield.

The rightwing makes me crazy.

And By “Sexual Favors,” Do You Mean …

April 28, 2015

Okay, so Senator Thad Cochran (R-Miss.) is often defined as having a “quiet, courtly manner,” which means he’s just two tea cups short of being Lindsey Graham.

UnknownHe voted yes for a constitutional ban on marriage equality, he has a 100% rating by the Christian Coalition, and has a rating of zero from the National Abortion Rights Action League.  He’s that guy – the one who proudly struts his family values.

So ….

Fred W. Pagan, a staffer for U.S. Senator Thad Cochran (R-Miss.) allegedly told law enforcement agents that he imported drugs from China in a plan to exchange them for sexual favors, according to new documents filed in U.S. District Court.

He’s the longtime personal assistant/ office manager for Cochran since 2001.

Sex, drugs, and rock and roll — who would’ve thought?

Thanks to John for the heads up.

It’s Highly Likely That Ted Cruz is Talking About Me

April 27, 2015

I have mentioned before that I am a woman of faith.  Ted Cruz says that isn’t true and would like to take me to task about it.

“Today’s Democratic Party has decided there is no room for Christians in today’s Democratic Party,” he said at the Iowa Faith and Freedom Coalition summit in Waukee, Iowa.

“There is a liberal fascism that is going after Christian believers,” the 2016 GOP presidential candidate continued.

I have to admit that my God is real, real, big. Far too big to dance on the head on a pin like Ted Cruz’s God.

And I have a question.  What the hell is liberal fascism?  And how would that work?  Aren’t those two things kinda like opposite?

True story:  a guy here in town just hates me.  Seriously hates me.  I’ve never really completely understood why and the really sad part is that I frankly don’t care enough to find out.  So one day I run into him at the grocery store on the paper products aisle.  He looks at me and says, “Fascist.”

Okay, so I stop and smile that sweet smile of mine and say, “No, Darlin’, you’ve got your names mixed up.  You’re the fascist.  I’m the socialist.”  See, he didn’t know what the hell fascist meant.  He just knew it was a bad thing and probably from France.

His witty comeback was, “Whatever.”

So I put some paper plates in my basket.  By the coffee aisle, he notices that I have a sign tied to the front of my cart made from a paper plate, a marker I had in my purse, and a twisty I cut open with my pocket knife.  The sign says, “Darrell McCoy has a small fascist.”

Little spittle things formed at the edges of his mouth and and he cussed a blue streak before storming out of the store and informing the manager that there was a crazy woman on aisle 9.  By the time the manger got there, the sign was gone and the manager asked if I had seen anything unusual.  “Yeah, a drunk guy talking to himself,” I said with a wrinkled brow.

Don’t mess with me.  I am fresh out of clucks.  I have not one cluck to give.

 

Like White on Rice

April 27, 2015

The North Carolina Ku Klux Klan is doing night rides through Brunswick County (think coast dangerously close to South Carolina) meant to strike terror.

They deposited baggies of white rice with information about their little group, the Karolina Knights.

 

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And they even have a hotline for anybody who wants to call and get hot.

Imperial Wizard Thomas Hamilton of the Karolina Knights said the organization is based out of North Carolina and is a subset of the Ku Klux Klan. Hamilton said the group is focused on rebuilding pride in America.

“Times have changed,” Hamilton explained. “It’s not about black and white anymore.”

Hamilton continued to say that the organization stands for the right of the White American and said African Americans cannot join the organization.

Yeah, it’s not about black and white.  It’s about white.

 

What a Difference a Day Makes

April 27, 2015

Remember the gay guys hosting an event for Ted Cruz and Cruz just lapping it up?

Well, hold the phone, Nelly, because somebody just had an epiphany.  And an apology.

In a statement posted to his Facebook page on Sunday, Reisner sought forgiveness for his “poor judgement,” explaining that he did not do his homework on Cruz’s record on marriage equality before agreeing to host the event.

Just think how Sarah Palin is gonna feel having to turn over the Social Awareness Catastrophe trophy to two gay guys in New York.

One of the host says he’s been “shaken to my bones” from all the outcry from his fellow gays.

“I’ve spent the past 24 hours reviewing videos of Cruz’ statements on gay marriage and I am shocked and angry. I sincerely apologize for hurting the gay community and so many of our friends, family, allies, customers and employees.”

Honey, if it takes you more than 15 minutes to figure out that Ted Cruz thinks you’re a deviant, you are a very slow reader.

We’re all waiting to see if Cruz issues a statement saying, “Hey, I didn’t know they were that kind of gay.  You know, the sober kind.”

Thanks to everybody for the heads up. 

This Ain’t Nepotism. This Is Cousin-Marrying.

April 26, 2015

Okay, so y’all know that Rick Perry is under indictment for extorting a public official.

Every time one of Perry’s lawyers files motions to dismiss this case on some technicality they get to talk to the hand of Lady Justice.  They’ve heard NO more times than an Aggie trying to date a UT sorority.

Well, it took them a while but it looks like the fix is in.  The latest judge in the case is one of Perry’s ex-lawyers.

Rick PerryRick Perry may be somewhat familiar with one of the judges picked to hear an appeal in the criminal case against him.

That’s because Justice Bob Pemberton has worked for the former governor, representing him in court as his deputy general counsel. After that job, Perry appointed him to the Third Court of Appeals, which is now considering a request from Perry’s lawyers to dismiss the abuse-of-power charges against him.

Pemberton also clerked for Tom Phillips, the retired chief justice of the Texas Supreme Court who is now on Perry’s defense team. Pemberton’s website features a photo of him being sworn in by Phillips — “his friend, supporter, and former boss.”

Oh yeah, Pemberton has also donated $1,000 to Perry’s political funds.

The prosecution has asked that Pemberton recuse himself.  So far, all anybody has heard from him is cricket chirping.

Thanks to Craig for the heads up.