Ex-Marine, XFit Owner, Ex-Good Guy With a Gun

May 05, 2016 By: Primo Encarnación

It’s time to play everybody’s favorite game show, Good Guy With a Gun, starring ME, Tio Primo. Let’s go to our first round:

You come upon a couple fighting, and the man fires a gun twice into the ground, wounding his wife’s ankle, and then gets in his truck to leave. You are an ex-Marine who owns a crossfit gym named for a kill zone, “Crossfit Abattoir” (catchy!). Contestant 1: What do you do?

“Well, Tio Primo, I’d try to note his license plate, and call 911.”

Interesting, but moronic. Contestant 2, what would you do?

“Tio, I’d call 911 AND assist the woman writhing in pain grabbing her bleeding ankle.”

I’m sorry, you’re BOTH morons! The name of the game is “Good Guy With a Gun,” and neither of you used “gun” in your answer.

The correct answer is: “Step over the bleeding woman, go to your good guy car, get your good guy gun, stop the armed assailant from fleeing/de-escalating the situation, then have him exit the vehicle, slap the gun from your good guy hand, and shoot you in your good guy head, to death, while someone weaker calls 911, for a meat wagon to scrape up your dead good guy ass.”

THAT’S a winner!

I swear, people, if you’ve heard me say it once, you’ve heard me say it 357 times: people who buy guns “for protection” just CANNOT WAIT to use them on somebody, especially someone with different melanin levels. I have trouble feeling sorry for either of them, and I’m glad they both won’t ever be packing again.

Update: fixed link – soooorry!

Feliz Cinco de Mayo

May 05, 2016 By: Primo Encarnación

Ah, today calls to mind fond memories of my childhood, when the entire Hachecristo clan would gather around the Cinco de Mayo arbusto, decorated with exactly 5 ornaments made of mayonnaise jar lids.

My cousin, Jesus Hachecristo, and I would hang around under the table while the adults drank homemade pulque and Dos Equis or Bohemia beer, picking up fallen cards or poker chips and sneaking them to favored uncles in exchange for a sip of beer, which we sometimes kept the whole bottle of.

Then everyone would go outside and the blindfolded children – and some drunk uncles – would take wobbly whacks at piñatas of Napoleon III or Maximilian I, singing patriotic Mexican songs and Mayo carols, until someone got bored and shot the piñata, shattering the clay inside and showering the ground with coins and candy.

No, not really.

Cinco de Mayo actually celebrates Mexico winning the battle of Puebla in the 1860s over the French Army, which had not lost a battle since Napoleon. Unfortunately, they lost the war, so not many people in Mexico actually celebrate it.

The US had been imperializing at Mexico’s expense for some time (remember the Alamo?) and the Mexican-American War in the 1840s had left Mexico with a huge debt. Luckily, gold was discovered in California. Unluckily, California was now part of the US. Eventually, Mexico stopped paying its debts to Spain, Britain and France, so those three Great Powers sailed up to Veracruz and called their notes due.

Bil Collectors at the Gates!

Bill Collectors at the Gates!

Britain and Spain were persuaded to leave, but France had more than late fees on their mind. They invaded and, despite the short blip at Puebla where 4000 Mexicans defeated 8000 French, they did manage to win the war, and the French Emperor, Napoleon III, installed a Mexican Emperor, Maximilian I, as the head of a client state in America.

Napoleon III

Napoleon III

They only reason they were able to get away with this was that the Monroe Doctrine, while strongly supported by the US, was  unfortunately unenforceable during a little internecine dust-up called the Civil War. Lincoln didn’t want to annoy France at the time, so Maximilian’s reign lasted just long enough for us to get our shtuff together, and support the Mexicans in driving him out a few years later.

Maximilian I at his Coronation

Maximilian I at his Coronation

Meanwhile, back at Sutter’s Mill…

During the French conquest, news of the remarkable victory at Puebla had reached formerly Mexican citizens in the gold fields, who fired guns into the air, gave speeches, sang songs and got drunk, all in celebration of the Glorious Fifth of May. It wasn’t until a few weeks later that some Forty-niner Paul Harvey let them know the REST of the story.   Nevertheless, Cinco de Mayo remained an important cultural holiday among California Chicanos and, eventually, became Mexican St Patrick’s Day for the rest of America.

Cinco de Mayo

Happy Cinco de Mayo

In Mexico, it’s only really noted around Puebla, and in the board rooms of certain breweries.

But, anyway, Feliz Cinco de Mayo from la familia Hachecristo. May your Fifths be Merry and bright. And may all your mayonnaise be white.

 

Listen up, y’all: Kasich has Something to Say.

May 04, 2016 By: Primo Encarnación

Hey!  A rare Kasich sighting in C-bus!  It’s to make a big announcement.  Lucky for us, we’d forgotten what our Governor looks like.  Not much luck left there for either him or us.

My guess is, he’s NOT going to select Carly Fiorina as his running mate.

Johnny, we hardly knew ye!  Perhaps that’s why you lost.  Or maybe that’s why you got this far at all!  Either way, from here on out for the GOP, it’s Trump all the way down.

UPDATE:

He’s been talking for a half-hour and he still hasn’t actually quit.  And, slipstream, I’ve forgotten his name just since he started talking. 😉

Good ol' Whatsisname!

Good ol’ Whatsisname!

FOX Pundit Won’t Vote for Trump (or BillO)

May 04, 2016 By: Primo Encarnación

Charles Chuckles Krauthammer is like a joyless William F. Buckley, who even dead brings more cachet than Chuckles will ever have.  Growing up, Krauthammer was a syndicated columnist in my local paper.  I’d read Mike Royko on page two, then turn to the editorials.  (Even as a kid, I was more interested in the op-ed pages than the news – must be pathological.)  I’ve always respected his erudition and the way he crafted an argument, even if I was in complete opposition to him, as I usually am.

But not today!  Today, I rise to speak in agreement with the aging Charles, the Hammer of the Krauts, as he schooled the sleazy, skeavy, angergasmic BillO, the Apoplectic Clown.

Sorry, BillO, Chuckles won’t vote for you. I will never vote for you, either.  Try to find the will to go on.

Ted Cruz Quits!

May 03, 2016 By: Primo Encarnación

John Kasich, your table is ready.

Way to go, America!

May 03, 2016 By: Primo Encarnación

May God continue to shed Her ineffable, glorious grace on thee!

WaPo: White House poised to create first monument to gay rights