Hey Ted, Can You Loan Me a Dime?

July 27, 2015

Well, this is just dandy.  Two billionaire brothers, usually intensely private, just dumped $15 million on Ted Cruz.

ted-cruz-really-24784_186x186The brothers made their money in fracking and stay very low profile because they belong to a crazybutt church that takes every single word in the Bible literally which means they cannot explain if Adam and Eve had belly buttons.

As of last year, they owned more than 310,000 acres of land in the state, making them Montana’s largest private landowners, according to The Billings Gazette.

Today, Forbes pegs their net worth at about $1.4 billion each.

At the heart of their life, still, is the Assembly of Yahweh, which preaches a mix of Christianity and Judaism and holds the Bible as infallible.

They gave this damfool $15 million to make their religion seem normal.

Neither Ted nor the Assembly of Yahweh are normal.

 

Can’t Wait Till Friday Toon

July 27, 2015

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Holy Crap: No, Not Like That Edition

July 27, 2015

Myrtle Beach, South Carolina – the home of Vanna White from The Wheel of Fortune and I bet you didn’t know that – is kinda nut country despite being on one of the most beautiful beaches on the east coast.

They have a minister there by the name of Danny Banks.  Danny got all wound up this weekend and told his flock that “allowing their children attend sex education courses in public schools was like letting kids play with rattlesnakes and cobras.”

Think you could have gotten a little more phallic there, Danny?

Thanks to Carl for the heads up.

Holy Crap: I Just Don’t Know What the Hell To Say Edition

July 27, 2015

Right-wingers online compare everything to Hitler.  There’s even a law for it, called Godwin’s Law, which postulates …

Godwin’s Law (or Godwin’s Rule of Nazi Analogies) is an Internet adage asserting that “As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches 1″—​ that is, if an online discussion (regardless of topic or scope) goes on long enough, sooner or later someone will compare someone or something to Hitler or Nazism.

Mike Huckabee opted for sooner.

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Holy.  Damn.  Crap.

I think Huckabee is running for Prime Minster of Israel. I hope he doesn’t wn because he makes Netanyahu look like a hippie peacenik.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

Well Howdy There, Bobby and Ricky

July 27, 2015

Bobby Jindal announced that it was too soon to talk about gun control after the slaughter of Louisiana citizens sitting in a movie theater.  We need to wait for 10 or 12 thousand other slaughters before we mention the word gun.

The Louisiana shooter was able to legally buy a gun at an Alabama pawnshop.  Hell, you can buy anything at an Alabama pawnshop including a wife, broken dreams, and banjos directly from Deliverance.

Jindal claims the shooter would never have been able to buy guns in Louisiana because he was nuts with charges of soliciting arson and domestic violence.  So Jindal’s solution is that every state have tough background checks like Louisiana.

Idiot.

That’s the whole damn problem with “state’s rights.”  There’s some ornery states, mostly including the one I live in.  We sell guns to kindergartners in Texas. And because of something called pockets, you can buy a gun in Texas and shoot somebody in Louisiana.

You just made our case, Bobby.

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And then up bounced Rick Perry.

God help us all.

Former Texas Gov. Rick Perry (R) claimed that if people could bring their guns to the movies, they could have prevented the movie theater shooting in Lafayette, Louisiana, Thursday evening.

“These concepts of gun-free zones are a bad idea. I think that you allow the citizens of this country — who have been appropriately trained, appropriately backgrounded, know how to handle and use firearms — to carry them,”

Yeah, yeah!  What this country really needs is amateurs shooting guns in dark movie theaters.  Hell, we don’t need on damn movie – we’ll just do The Gun Fight at OK Corral right there in the audience.

Those damn smart glasses didn’t help Rick Perry one bit.

Thanks to chloe bear and Mikey for the heads up.

East Texas, I Love Yew.

July 27, 2015

The police are not releasing her name yet so we’ll just call her Thelma.

Thelma had a spat with the soon-to-be-former-Mr.-Wonderful, so she did what any self-respecting woman would do and took all his clothes outside and set them on fire.

I suspect the Ex Mr. Wonderful didn’t have a bass boat because if he did, she would have burned his clothes in his bass boat and tossed his bowling ball in for good measure.

The highlight of this event was spectacular. Let me quote from the local newspaper because Lord knows they are accustomed to writing this kind of story.

Jasper Fire Marshal Mike Collier says his investigation into a Wednesday afternoon fire which destroyed one house, and heavily damaged another, has revealed that the blaze was accidentally caused by a woman who threw her husband’s clothes outside next to the wooden porch, and then lit them on fire.

The incident happened shortly after 3:00 in the 200 block of Edgewood Street, on the east side of Jasper. Both the Jasper and East End Fire Departments arrived to find a singlewide mobile home almost completely engulfed. A short time later, the intense heat ignited one side of another mobile home next door, and burned one bedroom of that structure.

Luckily no one was injured.

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Actual fire in actual East Teas caused by smoldering polyester.

 

Police are looking for (not her real name) Thelma but she is nowhere to be found.

I suspect she has joined the Louie Gohmert Traveling Circus where she will quickly make friends with like-minded people.