Who We Are
JUANITA JEAN HEROWNSELF – Juanita is owner of The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., Fort Bend’s only professional political organization. Her main qualification to comment on Texas politics is that she owns pink cowboy boots. Not just one pair, but several. Most likely, you don’t.
Through diligent research, it has been discovered that Juanita is the daughter of Judge Clyve T. “ByGawd” Bell and his bride, the lovely and talented Lillie Jean Bell, who was known in a four county area for her unique ability to lasso while singing opera.
Juanita graduated from Elite Beauty School in Del Rio, Texas, (whose motto is: We never heard of you either) first in her class, and after a brief stint with the Buck Pochek Professional Waterskiing and Ring-O’-Fire Extravaganza, she settled down in Richmond. Her first husband, Bubba Hank, died in a semi-tragic Nascar pit stop accident. Juanita has found no good reason to remarry.
BUCK POCHEK – head honcho in charge of The Good Folks at Buck Pochek’s Rural Entertainment Promoters and General Purpose Feed Store. In Juanita’s words, “Buck Pochek is living proof that maybe God created one gender too many.”
Buck has glow-in-the-dark business cards with the ink still wet, prefers neon light to sunlight, fixes stubborn traffic lights with a handy 12 gauge shotgun, lists being able to roll back an odometer as job skill on his resume, and has been married so often that they keep his name permanently on the bridal registry down at the hardware store.
Buck drives an old Cadillac that suffered severe hail damage years ago. He collected the insurance money but spent it on a trip to Gulfport, Mississippi, where he met the fourth Mrs. Pochek. Buck’s car sports the remnants of several bumper stickers – Buck’s favorite is an obscene gesture with “Nuke This, Saddam!”
Buck has spent some time in jail for insurance fraud, mooning a gun control rally, and assault with a toilet seat (the details of which are better left to sealed court records). Buck’s main source of income is his Army disability check and some residuals from a couple of slip and fall accidents lately.
THELMA LUCILLE FRONTAGE – still wears her 1968 Homecoming Queen tiara to every Lamar Consolidated Homecoming game. “It’s tradition,” she explains, but most people think it’s just because Thelma ain’t parked too close to the curb. Her seat ain’t in the full, upright and locked position. Buck once kept Thelma busy at the library for a month trying to figure out the speed of dark.
Thelma greatly enjoyed her four pregnancies – especially the part where she became the three time land speed world record holder for eating Twinkies. Thelma gained a few pounds over the years, and while it is not true that she capsized a tugboat once, she does use a semi-trailer inner tube as the required standard life preserver on river outings. Thelma holds the national distinction of being the only 350 pound amateur golfer with a completely leopard skin and feather golf cart.
Thelma’s hairdressing skills include the highest beehive hairdo in the state of Texas. “The taller the hair, the closer to God,” is her motto. She is a provisional member of the Belles of Heaven Republican Women’s Club.
BUBBA X - is a classic model relic from the 1960s, complete with a brief but highly productive membership in the Black Panthers, where he was known under another name prior to the FBI relocating him to the Greater Sugar Land area, where he could blend-in relatively unnoticed. All went well for three days. Then BubbaX applied for employment as head golf pro at Sugar Creek Country Club, totally unaware that golfing skills were somewhat necessary for such a job. After several months of litigious threats and butt-stompin’s, BubbaX accepted the position of bartender at Buck’s newest icehouse, although he felt it was a waste of his corporate managerial skills and his almost complete collection of self-help tapes.
He adopted the name BubbaX following an ill-fated attempt to sell life insurance door-to-door in Quail Valley, when he was known simply as Bubba. Bubba’s size – he looks like he might have eaten his brother – and his opening line to sell life insurance – “You never know when you’re going to die.” – was not as successful as he had hoped. He caught a bad case of attitude following several trips to the Grand Jury and added the X to his name. It has stayed like a comfortable pair of shoes.
ROFLMAO!!!! Juanita, you are my idol!!God know, after the past year, we could all use a good laugh. Give me the high sign when I can broadcast this site to every progressive I know!
1Boy, this has all the makings of a really cheesy TV sitcom from the 1980’s…all it needs is the Wacky Neighbor character and the Smart-Alecky-But-Cute Kid character, and we’re talkin’ syndication rights!
2i’m telling everyone i really like.
3Did Thelma do Guv Goodhair’s ‘do or does she not do ‘dos for prissy little wannabe cowboys who have ONLY their hair to recommend them. Makes me sad lynchin is illegal, he does…
4I still miss the yacht club….:p but enough about the past. Glad to find JJ still kickin…..
5I laughed so hard a teardrop ran down my leg. I will be a daily visitor since my wife has a beehive hairdo with real bees. Lived in Houston for a long time and miss the quality of corruption there; we’re amateurs here in El Paso.
6Del Rio Texas… isn’t that where Russ Meyers filmed “Faster Pussycat, Kill, Kill”?
NOW I understand.
7Juanita, I have missed you so. My mean kids have been meaner than ever and I miss your advice. Welcome back!
8Is this for real or is someone plagiarizing Molly Ivins?
9Daisy dear, this IS for real! It is also ample proof that Molly Ivins was not a fluke. However, it is quite possible that Juanita Jean/Susan, Molly and a progressive medium are hard at work in the back room of the salon. It is also likely that Molly. perched on a cloud up in heaven, is laughing her Texas butt off.
10What Gramiam said.
11As publisher of a local community newspaper (one of a dying breed), I’ve known Juanita for at least 20 years. She’s been funny longer than that. Molly may have been around twenty years ago, but not many knew her.
So, yeah, I’m saying that Juanita pre-dates Molly. Molly just had better public relations sense….and important friends.
12I have been wandering alone and sad in the wilderness called texas since molly left. i thank jesus that i found you juanita. i will tell all of my sisters (few brothers too) about you and your non-blog. love, love, love you! janet jean
13My Texas husband had to come in to see what I was screaming my head off with laughter about–it’s the big hair that did it! …closer to God!
Would JJ consider moving to California? We could sure use a good laugh…
14Are you all somewhere near Tuna, TX? I can just see those guys playing all the parts described above. I used to be proud of the fact that I lived 8 years of my growing up in Houston but since Bush 43 I’ve taken to leaving it out of my biography. Keep up the good work.
15I came accross your comments for FBISD. I like your style. I am a FBISD product, and now educator of this lovely district. I was upset when all these layoffs (Riff’s) began. I just don’t understand how and where the money went. I do know when the workmen come to fix anything there are always at least 4 of them. One works and the other 3 just sit and watch. I don’t think it is the teachers that needed to be let go. It is all the upper management.
16Not sure if you were aware of this, but the Fort Bend G.O.P. has their new website up and running. I’ve noticed in past comments made by you regarding the previous website. So I wanted you to be the first one to know on your block. Now you can include the link on the ‘Where I Go’ segment…http://www.fbcgop.org/
Happy Trails and God Bless!
17Oh LOOKIE! They are associating themselves with the TEA Party. I’m gonna have more fun with this than recess in heaven!
Luther, what happened to the old website http://www.fbgop.com? Are y’all fighting again?
18Discovering Juanita Jean is a great find! At the same time though, I’m a little sad because she reminds me of just how much I miss the sharp humor and quick wit of Molly Ivins.
19Juanita Jean, just in case you ever run out of good subjects in Ft. Bend County, come on up to Brazos County. Never a dull moment!
I thought it was Molly Ivins reincarnated – or maybe she never died, like Elvis never did.
I am a native Texas (Woodlands resident) living and working in Malawi. That’s right, that’s in Africa.
Nice to have this respite that reminds me of Texas while I’m 12,000 miles from home.
Thanks.
20I am soooo impressed with your qualifications, Juanita. If you plan to run for office, let me know, please. GO BILL!
21baby, I loves y’all moxie, whateva the h3ll ya talkin about!~
…and the “political organization” theme is stunning!
22Just a Pacific Northwesterner checking in to see if you have a jail-pool going on for the date Delay finally goes to jail.
23That sounds like a great idea. We’ll get a pool going when I have time.
24http://www.americanindependent.com/178587/whats-heroic-about-racism-asks-abortion-rights-activists-at-a-dillardsheroic-media-event
Guess I will be buying my Easter ensemble at a locally owned pro-woman establishment. Any suggestions?
25You are a jewel! I live in the heart of Barton Country,and it is so nice to see there are still some like-minded folks out there!.
26keep up the great work!
It was a pleasure to meet you and listen you your down home wisdom this weekend. Put me on the list of your fans.
27Ya know, I can see Texas from my house! (In Colorado)
Hello, my name is Peggy! hehehehe….hey, can I join the fun?
Are y’all gonna make it to GUV Rick’s Prayer Meetin’?
ps I really can see TX—-just grab up my pics and there it is, right alongside OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-K-lahoma where the winds come sweepin’ down the plain….
I love the name someone made for McConnell-The Kentucky Turtle….I have named him ‘Despicable He’ – but he now shares that title with ‘poor widdle Windsley Graham (cracker)….
May I join this ‘column’? Or non-blog?
Muuaaah [hic] here, John, this one’s on me…[hic hic]…oh no, please don’t cry, again!
28Sure would like to reproduce your spending piece to put on our website and pass out to ROADwomen members + would most decidedly love to have you at our next RW meeting, Aug 16th (or whenever you could make a 3rd Tuesday or the month)
You make me smile – laugh – think!
29Diane
Would love to follow you or get updates via e-mail. Please advise. I am not feeling so alone anymore.
30Has Miss Juanita ever plied her profession in Montague Co., TX?
31Honey, i’ve never even been to Montague, much less plied there.
32Great site. Definitely will be back.
33Dear Juanita, we feel honored to read all that you wrote about us, We know that God gave us this gift to share and to live for. We came to Texas 3 years ago after a hard times in our job, not all the time the people appreciate the effort that we put when we play our music with all our heart, but for people like you, wow, it’s worth to keep going. Thank you very much!!
34We are working in sale our music on line, please visit our Facebook “Oscar & Anita”, where we post every day where we are performing each week. We will be in contact.
See you soon.
If you’re having trouble finding Oscar and Anita on Facebook, try here.
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