This ‘Splains a Whole Lot
Y’all, to be perfectly honest, I’m getting real scared to go to the doctor in Texas. It appears that none of them took anatomy, physiology, or the birds and the bees.
Texas State Sen. Bob Deuell, who says he is a board certified family physician, announced in the senate debate that “accurate intercourse” was necessary for pregnancy. According to State Rep. Dawnna Dukes:
.
.
Not to be indelicate (mainly because Momma is reading this), but accurate intercourse is an odd term. Would it require target practice? A tattooed bull’s eye perhaps? Or maybe a teacher standing by to grade it?
I suspect this is not as easy as you would expect which explains, of course, why there are more cows in Texas than people. Because it’s a whole lotta bull, ya know.
Thanks to Irene for the heads up.
They think it’s like their other guns: ready, fire, aim.
Which is why they mostly use a shotgun.
1In 14th century England, they believed that a woman could only get pregnant if she had an orgasm. While it made men work harder if they wanted children, it also meant that they thought a women couldn’t get pregnant through violent rape.
Some people never got out of the Middle Ages.
2Is that really true? I find it hard to believe that anyone cared about women’s pleasure in 14th century England.
3marmer, it actually goes back to Galen, the Greek 2nd century physician and philosopher.
4“When a woman would reach an orgasm, the mouth of her womb would open and suck up the male ejaculate like a sponge. It was thought that both males and females experience an orgasm during intercourse and that both released some sort of fluid, which would mix together and the two emissions would result in conception. If women have organs that resemble those of men, and since men obviously experience an orgasm, the woman must too. Women needed to orgasm to produce fluids during intercourse that would stir with the male ejaculate to conceive a child.”
Source
Sorry, Dr. Deuell, but a marksmanship certificate from the NRA doesn’t qualify you to practice medicine. I have a feeling that “accurate intercourse” springs from the same learned institution as “legitimate rape”:
5The Republican Academy of Accurate and Legitimate Medicine and Firearms.
I shudder to imagine what that even means, but considering condom failures, early withdrawal failures, and my own lucky beginning being due to a diaphragm being upside down, according to my mama, there are many “inaccurate babies” walking around.
I did have the good taste not to ask my mama how much of a hurry she and my dad were in that night back in 1951…haha.
6Honestly, these men need to stop talking about the female reproductive system. The more they talk the more they confirm how stupid they are.
Maybe that’s why men hate to use condoms – they can’t figure out to how accurately use them.
7There is this great line in “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” wherein The Kid opines, with a chuckle, “You just keep thinkin’ Butch, that’s what you’re good at.” I’m thinking that applies to Republican legislators in general and to those who reside in Texas and Missouri in particular.
Put another way (or as my mama would have said it), well bless his little heart. Emphasis on the little….
8I think he might be channeling this:
“1) We actually had to discuss the myth that it’s impossible to rape a woman… the favorite example thrown at us was a defense lawyer who held a coke bottle in his hand and dared the prosecutor to stab it with a pencil as he ran around the room. This actually happened and was quoted frequently. Thank God, those days are over.”
From http://www.rapereliefshelter.bc.ca/learn/resources/janet-torge-founding-members-letter-occasion-vancouver-rape-reliefs-35th-anniversary
9When we were children, it was very common to hear on the playground at recess, “close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades!” I believe Bob Deuell is still guided by this precept of his youth.
10I know this is all over the webz, but unless someone has a tape, someone I know who was on the floor at the time said Duell said “actual intercourse,” not “accurate intercourse.”
11kristi .. i was right behind ya .. ? what about artificial means
12It’s still inelegant phrasing, but it’s a lot better than “accurate.” That’s some Todd Akin-level stuff there.
13@Kristi—Even at that, he’s wrong. My son is living proof that you can accidentally self-inseminate with the end of a douche nozzle. (Not that my son is one—he’s a wonderful guy who has a Ph.D. in neuroanatomy and edits and publishes a magazine.) It doesn’t always take a man to do the job, just some man juice. 🙂
14Don’t think I’m going to ask my wife to get a strategically placed bulls eye tattoo. She might suggest (and should) I do something that is physically impossible.
15You won’t need a teacher standing by to grade it. The Republican Party will have someone there to supervise it, if they get their way.
16Take a look at Deuell ladies, he’s a real winner!!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bob_Deuell
17I have always believed that Deuell was smarter than that. My mistake.
18Dawnna’s correct. Does inaccurate mean bad aim?
19Well,considering that the conservative belief is that marriage is to produce children, shouldn’t unmarried people all be practicing their aim, so they’ll be accurate when the time comes?
20Man Juice!! thanks for the morning giggle! Coitus interruptus is the first line of defense for many of the under-educated, and it seems to be an inaccurate form of sex as well as an inaccurate form of birth control!
Someone ought to buy copies of the old Kinsey reports on human sexuality and gift them to the Rethugs. It would keep them busy and slobbering, probably for years! Of course it’s science so they might be allergic to it, but they would consider the Kama Sutra pornographic, so what can be done with them?
21