Things Ted Cruz Could Have Done To Get Attention That Would Have Hurt Less Than Selecting Carly Fiorina as His Vice President.

April 27, 2016 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

  1. Stuck his hand in a running blender.
  2. Date Kim Kardashian
  3. Tightened his belt until his eyes bugged out
  4. Found a monkey to take on the road with him
  5. Let Pope Francis do live color commentary on his campaign tour
  6. Sing a duet of Lemonade with Beyonce
  7. Admitted openly that Obama was born in America
  8. Break Taylor Swift’s heart
  9. Admit he put a curse on the Astros
  10. Shove his brain up his butt.  Oh wait, he did that.

I know you have some.


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48 Comments to “Things Ted Cruz Could Have Done To Get Attention That Would Have Hurt Less Than Selecting Carly Fiorina as His Vice President.”

  1. maryelle says:

    11. Modeled his thong on CNN. (Apologies for the mental image)

  2. Maryelle…you can’t unsee that.

  3. Polite Kool Marxist says:

    12. Get gored at the El Paso Rodeo.

    Mamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa … maryelle isn’t playing nice.

  4. Discovered he is a Canadian. Oh. Wait. Never mind.

  5. Ted thinks he needs a woman on the ticket to run against Hillary. Let’s do the math:
    Woman + Republican + Name Recognition = Carly Fiorina.

    Here’s some more math:
    (Women + Republicans) x Any Kind of Choice = 0

  6. TexasEllen says:

    Grovelled on the floor of the Senate while begging forgiveness for his multiple asshatted offenses against the Body.

  7. W. C. (Pete) Peterson says:

    #10 Were he to actually do that, his brain would rattle around in there like a BB in a boxcar.

  8. I think he is delusional. He thinks God told him to run for POTUS?
    But I’d bet $100.00 He did not tell him to pick Carly!!!!

  9. two crows says:

    Maryelle, I never knew what a mean streak you had. Ewwww.

    Read The Lorax by Dr. Seuss on his campaign stops — and take it seriously.
    OK, I know that’s the Impossible Ask – but a girl can dream.

  10. @maryelle

    How long does the regurgitation continue?

  11. Poke out his eye with a sharp stick.

  12. charles r. phillips says:

    @Micr, I’m still throwing up. How about this?

    Farting the star spangled banner at an Astros game.

  13. charles r. phillips says:

    @PKM Hahahha, you said “Gored.” Al would like that!

  14. Pancho Sanza says:

    Dressed up like Dudly-Do right and sang “O Canada” while pouring maple syrup all over his female look-alike.

  15. @Jan
    Poke out his eye with Drumpf’s little short “finger”?

  16. Tilphousia says:

    Maryelle, you naughty girl. Don’t know whether to laugh, cry or or grab the pepto. But add a mounts hat and boots and pour the maple syrup on the thong. Then find a large nest of fire ants.

  17. Barley Farina! I knew it just has to happen! giggle ` snort etc.

  18. maryelle, as if that smoking-jacket photo that JJ kept subjecting us to wasn’t emetic enough….

  19. Sharon Camfield says:

    Smile…I mean a smile that includes the eyes and the heart….you know, like President Obama’s smiles.

  20. maryelle says:

    Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. I sorry.

  21. Linda Phipps says:

    Be proud Maryelle, and you too, Charles Phillips.

  22. e platypus onion says:

    Lighten up on Maryelle. If he modeled his thong over that ugly face of his, you’d win the internet for the day.

  23. two crows says:

    @ epo:
    You’re right. The thong vs. That Face. Serious runners-up for Worst Images Ever.

  24. Running mate for what? Reminds me of when Bill Richardson told his mom he was going to run for President. Her response, “Presidente de que?”

  25. You’ve got to admit, he’s making McCain’s choice seem better and better!

    BTW, aren’t you supposed to wait until you are nominated to pick a Veep? Just askin’.

  26. Creepy people unite. Ted & Carly: two people that really, really deserve each other!!!

  27. daChipster says:

    11. Learn Compassion
    12. Learn Science
    13. Learn Spanish
    14. Appear as a guest judge on Drag Race
    15. Appear as a contestant on Drag Race
    16. Appear in that thong (h/t maryelle) on Drag Race

    Don’t you culpa your mea, girl! Let that freak flag fly.

  28. SallyinMI says:

    17. Eat a corn dog ala Michelle Bachman
    18. Join in with Carly’s next song
    19. Choose Sarah Palin as a backup (singer) She could always bring her flute.
    20. Admit that he also swats his wife when she ‘fibs’ about talking to God
    21. Admit that his mother renounced her citizenship and never got it back (he plans to do that one once he’s in the WH)
    22. Appear on DWTS if they can pay a female pro enough to be with him eight hours a day
    23. Start his own Dominionist Broadcasting Network, or just take over PTL from Robertson
    24. Set up a repayment plan for the 24 billion his book reading shutdown cost us

  29. Old Mayfly says:

    Pancho Sanza (above) nailed it! Cruz and Carly do, indeed, resemble each other. The resemblance is uncanny–a political cartoonist’s dream.

  30. lyntilla says:

    Appear at an election event as Grandpa Munster and announce he’s starring in the reboot of the series.

  31. Sandridge says:

    The Repukes have surely, finally, Whigged out this time; can this absurd Party survive beyond November? (I hope not)

    It gets down (way down) to Herr Donler Drumpf, Khameleon Kasick, and DetesTED Crooze, and one might think things might just then bump along the bottom of the mucky bayou until the RNC konklave in Cleveland is sooo over.
    Then Loozer Crooze literally dredges a previously ‘dropped’ piece of conservative ordure from below that seat on the end of the dock, Snarly Failurina. And hauls it ashore, tries to polish it up nice and shiny, spritzes some deodorant on it, and proudly proclaims his $500K running mate (who’s just a sweet-hearTed working girl after all).
    And y’all know that Snarly was mostly raised in Austin, so this is an all ‘Texan’ ticket, heheh (that’s worked out so well before; from what I’m still hearing most TX R pols are still solid Crooze all the way, the addition of Failurina can only help support, yeehaaa).
    This is going to be good, and even more ‘interesting’.

    Been sort of active in politics since a high school mock election semester in 1964, first voted in ’68. I’ve never, ever seen nor read any history of anything like this 2016 R clusterduck before. What a hoot.

  32. daChipster says:

    It’s a synergism of skeeve. Skeevergism. Skeevegasm. Skeevadelic. Skeevatopia. Tropic of Skeevicorn.

  33. El Gonzo says:

    17. Every time he tells a lie, he has to swallow a live slug.
    18. He has to personally apologize face to face with every polar bear for lying about climate change.
    19. He has to referee 100 hours of pro hockey. In Canada.
    20. He should become a street sweeper in the most liberal town in Texas. Forever. And never leave.

  34. Gringo Viejo says:

    I’m a newbie here, so I will try to be nice (but I think Maryelle wins the cake):

    11. Announced he was quitting the race and joining a nunnery.

  35. daChipster says:

    I gotcha, lyntilla!

    Speaker of the House Eddie Munster
    Secretary of State Herman Munster
    And Yvonne De Carly Fiorina as Lily White Munster

  36. I’ve got it! I’ve got it!

    He has to submit all his health decisions, but especially anything having anything at all to do with any type of sexual behavior, to a board consisting of 5 radical liberal women, 5 LBTG people, 5 Mexican immigrants, and 5 transsexuals.


  37. Sounds to me as though he did find a monkey to take on the road with him.

  38. He his wife and children need to live in Flint Michigan and drink the water and his kids have to attend public school there
    He and his family have to live on food stamps an assistance in public housing. Oh and public transportation.
    Let him see how people live.

  39. Donald Drumpf is going to have a field day with this.

  40. Didn’t one of Ted’s PACs donate a bunch of money to Fiorina early in the campaign? Maybe he’s just trying to get his money’s worth. Maybe they got a ‘thing’ going between them:
    Ughh + Ewww = Holy Rollers? Pass the mind bleach please.

  41. WA Skeptic says:

    Every woman in the US needs to buy a hand-cranking device at the hardware store and run around waving it in the air saying “Vote for ME! I’ve got a crank!!!”

    Stupid Cruz and Trump.

  42. My son just reminded me of the time when he was a toddler and threw his dinner on the wall. That didn’t work either! Son is so right about this pairing! The living example of why spaghetti doesn’t stick to walls!

  43. Polite Kool Marxist says:

    Things we never wanted to know about Teddie Crooze:

    #1 His MILF fantasies revealed by his VP selection.
    #2 His desire to play basketball above the ring.
    #3 His desire to be schlonged by Donnie Drumpf in Indiana.

    #1 Thing Teddie Crooze doesn’t want to know: his presidential fantasy ended on “Super Tuesday” when Donnie Drumpf schlonged him in the Red States among evangelical voters. You lost your base, Teddie. There is no more ‘there’ there.
    #2 You are coming in fifth after the distant fourth place Ksuchasheis.

  44. It would’ve hurt less for Rafael to admit that s dildo is a lonely boys best friend.

  45. Thom Metcalf says:

    You folks have brightened my day……Appreciate it!

  46. Beverly Nordang says:

    Number eleven made my day.

  47. Pam Humphrey says:

    Admit he’s not actually a human but, instead, a reptilian creature from another (less pleasant) planet. I mean, have you seen this guy in blue jeans? Not human.