The Inaugural Address
If I were writing for Dat Guy, here is the speech I would write.
Honorable dignitaries and guests, thank you for your presence and warm wishes. President Obama, I especially want to thank you and Mrs Obama for your grace and courage, wisdom and honorable conduct in office. In the words of Scripture: “Well done, good and faithful servant.”
My fellow Americans:
On this day, at this hour, we have again undertaken the peaceful transition of power that is the hallmark and highest achievement of our democracy. We hold a privileged place in the history of the world. Never before us had a nation remade itself and its government with the good will and hopeful anticipation that we celebrate every four years. Never since and never again will any other benchmark of freedom suffice.
Inevitably, approximately half of our democracy is disappointed in each outcome, so we, the elected public stewards of ALL our democracy, must ensure that that disappointment does not become division. It is incumbent upon us, the servants of the people, to serve ALL the people, to the best of our abilities. We must do right, as Lincoln said, as God gives us to see the right.
But any bitterness or disappointment, we must recognize, comes out of a shared love and passion for our great country. It’s why Winston Churchill said that democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others.
And so, we must turn to that common love and shared passion for our nation, put divisiveness behind us, and proceed together to make America… better. No matter your political persuasion, no matter your opinion of America’s status, no matter your opinion of me, or of Congress, or of the judiciary, no matter your race, or creed, or color, or personal station in life – no matter how great or not you think America is – we can all agree that we can make it better.
Accordingly, and according to my Constitutional duty, I am going to Capitol Hill in a few weeks to address a joint session of Congress, and to recommend to their consideration the following measures I judge necessary and expedient:
I will recommend to Congress’ consideration that no action of this government shall impede the access of any American to sufficient health care, including but not limited to any repair of the Affordable Care Act, but never its repeal. I will also direct the Secretary of Health and Human Services to conduct the affairs of that department such that the health and safety of each American – citizen or no – be the central issue of a united government.
I will recommend to Congress’ consideration that no action of this government shall impede the access of any American to the most sacred right of our democracy, the right to vote, and to have that vote count equally with all other votes in this country, no more, no less. I will also direct the Attorney General that the Justice Department be conducted such that the franchise be extended to – and defended for – all citizens of our United States.
I will recommend to Congress’ consideration that climate change exists, and is an existential threat to every person, every country and every species on planet earth. I will also direct the Secretary of State to conduct United States diplomacy such that this single issue, which affects and binds us all, be the central issue of a united earth.
My fellow Americans, I have given my solemn oath to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution. There may be times when you don’t approve of a decision by this President, or of a policy of this Administration or of a new law from this government. But the bedrock principles of the Constitution remain unshaken, and I WILL faithfully execute this office as specified in the Constitution, and according to the self-evident truths of the Declaration of Independence, that ALL are equal, that ALL have God-given rights of life, liberty and happiness, and that the rights of ALL Americans, citizens and residents alike, will be secured by this government, re-instituted this very day.
History has been written anew with this election, as it has with all elections. The gridlock and gritted teeth within the confines of the federal city have stymied the hopes and dreams of all: conservatives and liberals, Democrats and Republicans, red states, blue states and all the shades of purple in between. But today, we have broken through the barriers put up by the pampered perpetual politicos. The American people, in their enduring wisdom, have bestowed the awesome responsibility of the office of President of the United States on a political neophyte, a newcomer with more experience of real life than of governance.
But the radical idea that is the United States has always been that the capacity for just and fair governance rested in all its people, in each of its people, which is why the citizen servant is best exemplified by our first President, George Washington, who willingly laid down the sword at the end of the Revolution, and who willingly laid aside the Presidency after only two terms. Our greatest progress has always been made by leaders who excelled in areas of endeavor other than government, before submitting themselves to the righteous judgment of the American voter.
I am awed and humbled by the example of my predecessors, and by the simple wisdom of the American electorate. I shall do my best to live up to the trust you have put in me.
May God Bless you. May He bless us all, and may He continue to shed His awesome blessings, and ineffable Grace, on our beloved United States of America.
I want the real Primo back not this different one from some f’ed up Mxyzptlk parallel dimension wherein Hair Drumpf is actually human.
Nice thoughts PE. Snot gonna happen though. But really really Nice thoughts.
1There’s a lot of big words in there Primo and Mr Trump doesnt like the TelePrompter. You should have built it in 141 character twitter-bursts, since that’s Dat Guy’s preferred form of what he considers to be communication. I sure wish we had elected you instead, sigh.
2Lots of luck!
3That’d be nice but I suspect it will go like this: “Honorable dignitaries and guests, thank you for your presence and warm wishes.
Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me.
In conclusion, Me.”
4I thought nothing could make me sadder right now than contemplating the loss of the Obamas in the White House. The impossibility of what you just wrote has done it though.
5Nice work, Primo, but that assumes that a 70-year-old toddler is going to grow up between now and Friday noon.
6‘twon’t happen! “Fog index” much too high to be coming from someone who thinks sheep dip is something to dunk a Frito in.
7Well.. um… Primo… that was very nice. You do realize that in Trumpland this would’ve marked “Rough Draft”, don’t you? And your future career as a Trump speech writer (Ha, ha! Trump speech writer! I must be tripping!) would be over?
And knowing who the speaker will be, my major criticism would be the woeful underuse of the word “I”. It’s a good speech. Clear and concise. Now all you have to do is find someone who believes that stuff to give it.
8Yes, yes, yes. That is exactly what I wish to GOD we would hear from the lips of the individual who will deliver the address on Friday. I could weep just thinking about how badly we need to hear these things. But we will not. So Friday, I will not be sneaking time at work to stream the inauguration live like I’ve done the last 2 for Barak Obama. I will wear black from head to toe and mourn.
9@Shirt
10Welllll just consider THAT comment stolen!
No matter the positive mind altering drug or the gun stuck in the ear would Herr Hairness ever get such thoughts out of his alleged brain via mouth. It is just not in him. But it was a damn beautiful read!
11Too many words, too many syllables, too many sentiments that have never once occurred to Donald Trump in all his seventy years. Never gonna happen. Great speech, though.
12Instead of watching the inauguration, I will re-read this beautiful speech of hope. I will be dressed in black and praying for the survival of our democracy. Perhaps in 2020, we will actually hear a legitimate president give a speech similar to this.
13Until then, perpetual mourning and Resistance.
Until then, God help us. God help the world. God help the earth.
“I won, you lost. I’m the boss now. Do as I say or else.
14Losers”
Still leaves a few dozen characters in case he wants to insult the press corps.
I have already lost almost 20 pounds in the last month, and sleep about 4 hours if that at night. I have lost interest in keeping house. Only the spectre of rotting food impels me to actually cook it. We have medicare and BC/BS but I expect the premiums will shoot up. What else can I lose, my mind?
15Beautiful speech, Primo!
However, the only word in it that can be adapted to Donnie is “ineffable.” Best written in indelible ink in one of the Don’s Johns port-a-johns: “F the ineffable.”
16Could he even pronounce some of those words? Much less say them with conviction and understanding.
17After the election is invalidated due to treasonous behavior on the part of the electoral college winners, I nominate Primo for President! I’ll organize my County for you.
18Oh, my Inaugural address would be a lot simpler, and a lot shorter:
My fellow Americans: the bar is open. Thank you. Oh, and God yadda yadda yadda.
19