Holy Crap: Fix This Edition

September 07, 2017 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

Well, we should have seen this coming.

You know those monuments to prosperity gospel who say God will make you rich if you just give your money to your pastor? Well, they just expanded the definition of “your” money.  They mean you.  Personally.

 

Yeah, they want FEMA money.  Apparently, they didn’t have insurance and by golly, God did not favor them. They got damaged just like the heathens next door.

The only difference is that the heathen next door pays taxes.

The churches claim they are being denied their first amendment rights because FEMA is discriminating against them.

The Texas churches that sued are the Rockport First Assembly of God in Rockport, which lost its roof and steeple and suffered other structural damage, and the Harvest Family Church in Cypress and Hi-Way Tabernacle in Cleveland, which were flooded.

I suggest they do what thousands of other folks pestered by Harvey do – put on some boots and a face mask, grab a shovel, starting digging crap Harvey left behind, and pay your damn taxes you welfare queens.

Thanks to Steven for the heads up.

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Harvey Twice?

August 25, 2017 By: El Jefe Category: Holy Crap

The National Hurricane Center is calling for Hurricane Harvey to come ashore later today, hang out for a couple of days, then crawl up the coast.  By Tuesday, the current forecast has it coming back inland around Houston.  The stall is based on the high pressure area that  sits to the northwest, keeping it from coming on inland and dissipating.  Various forecasts have rain possibilities for the Houston metro area up to 30″.

And a fun time will be had by all.  Y’all keep dry.  We’ll keep updating as long as we have access to the Intertubes.

Harvey Update

August 24, 2017 By: El Jefe Category: Here's the Deal, Holy Crap

OK, kids.  All of you along the Gulf Coast from Houston to Brownsville need to turn on your TeeVee for the latest weather.  The National Hurricane Center has now forecast landfall late Friday night NORTH of Corpus and south of Victoria.  The storm has strengthened rapidly and is forecast to reach Category 3 before coming ashore, hitting 125 MPH winds before coming inland.

That’s not the big problem, though.  The big problem is that the damn thing is forecast to stall just inland until as late as Tuesday before dissipating.  It’s going to dump a LOT of rain on the coastal areas, and Houston is going to see its share.  Back at El Jefe’s Beer & Bread Emporium, we call this kind of storm a Clear Up Shower.  Clear up to your ass.  Forecast rains for Houston could be 12″ to 18″ of rain through Sunday into Monday.

Y’all pay attention to this one, this is going to be a wet one.  We’ll be watching closely.

Holy Crap: Trump and the Witch Doctors

July 13, 2017 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

When this happened, it creeped me out.

 

 

But then this happened and it scared the crap outta me.

 

 

This is a mess of teevee preachers and evangelicals doing a “laying on of hands” in the damn oval office while they prayed for Trump.  At first I though maybe it was to remove the curse of that orb thing.

However, Thelma tells me that she has inside information that she got over at the Greater Hope and Utopia Southern Baptist Church and Missionary Training Center.  You know how Trump keeps saying this is a witch hunt?  Well, these are Mike Pence’s witch doctors.

Seriously, y’all, they should have done something with that hair while they were there.

 

If You Voted for Donald Trump…

June 30, 2017 By: El Jefe Category: Flamethrower, Holy Crap

If you voted for Donald Trump, read this; then find one of these in your house:

Then, look long and hard. YOUR guy is the problem.  YOUR guy is the “fake”.  YOUR guy is a disgusting misogynist pig who incites the worst behaviors in his supporters, embarrasses us daily on the world stage, is weirdly obsessed with himself, women’s appearance, and blood.  YOUR guy has singlehandedly turned the entire US government into a circus.

THIS is YOUR fault.  You can blame no one else.  Own it.

Remember Jim Bakker?

June 05, 2017 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

Surely you haven’t forgotten about Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker even though you tried like hell to.

Jim’s back.  He’s preaching.  Of damn course.

And there’s people who listen and give him money. Of damn course.

Now this is a little difficult to follow and even harder to believe.  So here I go.

First off, he says the recent terror attacks and Trump’s trip to Israel were the result of the closing of the Ringling Brothers Circus.  Apparently, that’s all about the elephants.

Now wait, it makes sense somewhere.

Bakker blamed the Ringling Brothers closure on a nonexistent national law banning elephants from the circus—while a few cities have barred circus workers from using bullhooks, there is no national law against performing elephants—which he contrasted with the legalization of abortion.

Bakker says it clear as day.  The circus was closed because of elephants and elephants are the symbol of the Republican Party.  God sent a coded message that Trump (the Republican Party) is going to be shut down.

Now see, I think the message is – the circus is over because you elected the damn clown.

Bakker doesn’t see it that way.

“Revelation is now, people,” Bakker continued. “Here’s what God spoke to me: The circus is over. Life as we know it, unless we turn back to God, it’s not going to be fun anymore.”

Really?  Honey, life as I’ve known it since January is not fun at all.

Thanks to Carl for the heads up.