Sorry, Momma, But I Can’t Tell This Story Without a Three Letter Dirty Word

July 31, 2012 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

This is a couple of true stories.  I swear.  True.

In about 1985 I was the first woman asked to join the local Optimist Club in my hometown.  This particular service club made Houston headlines ten years before for being carted off to the pokey during a strip joint raid which they attended after a district meeting in Houston.  Even at that time, most of them were retired.  By the time I was asked to join, you had to carbon date them to figure out how many candles to put on their birthday cake.

The only reason they asked me to join was because they got snookered into signing up for a mile stretch of Texas highway to pick up litter.  It was only after the sign-up that they realized that none of them could walk a mile, much less stoop over.  They figured I could, and they thoroughly enjoyed watching me do it.

I loved those old coots and miss them until this day.  They taught me the valuable lesson that laughing adds years onto your life.

One Wednesday lunchtime, Dick Goodman (a misdescriptive name if there ever was one) came in whining about one thing or another.  Dick said his feet hurt, his wife was nagging him, his eye doctor was retiring and he didn’t know another good eye doctor, his feet still hurt, the paperboy purposefully throws his newspaper in the rose bushes, there’s a Republican in the White House, his neighbor walks across his yard to get to the neighbor on the other side, and his damn feet hurt.

Jim, a retired radio reporter and semi-professional colorful man, had about all he could take.  He finally stood up, spilling over his ice tea all over his Bonanza Steakhouse Hunk-o-Beef blue plate special, pointed his fork like a weapon at Dick and hollered, “Dick, this is the goddam Optimist Club.  Shut the F&^)#@! up.”

The goddam Optimist Club – it remains one of my favorite lines ever.  Until today.

The Mitt Romney Trail of Tears through the civilized world has produced another wildly inappropriate saying.

In Poland the American press corp was yelling questions at Romney because, according to CNN, Romney has only taken three questions from the traveling press corps during his week-long trip abroad, so yelling is their only way to ask.

CNN: “Governor Romney are you concerned about some of the mishaps of your trip?

NYT: “Governor Romney do you have a statement for the Palestinians?

Washington Post: “What about your gaffes?

NYT: “Governor Romney do you feel that your gaffes have overshadowed your foreign trip?”

CNN: “Governor Romney just a few questions sir, you haven’t taken but three questions on this trip from the press!

Gorka: “Show some respect”

NYT: “We haven’t had another chance to ask a question…”

Gorka: “Kiss my ass. This is a Holy site for the Polish people. Show some respect.”

“Kiss my ass.  This is a Holy site.  Show some respect.”

Best.  Line.  Ever.

Thanks to Kyle for the heads-up, and reminding me of my Optimist Brothers.

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16 Comments to “Sorry, Momma, But I Can’t Tell This Story Without a Three Letter Dirty Word”


  1. You have answered a question that I have longed to ask for years: Are negative people allowed into the Optimist Club?

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  2. Maybe the guy was at the Shrine of the Emmaculate Donkey – or, as we say in my part of the world: “On the air with Rush”.

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  3. Sgt Mike on vacation says:

    Thanks for the insights on the Optimist Club. I am almost old enough to join such a club. I googled for Crabby Old Farts Club but never found one. There might be an Optimist Club nearby to where I work.

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  4. MCPO RET says:

    Sgt Mike: There is an Optimist Club in Sulphur Springs. You have to walk through plowed fields until you possess the proper gaite to join, though.

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  5. SomedayGirl says:

    I do believe I am a little in love with Jim…

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  6. I have to say Mitt’s Mangled Maniacal Mash-up Tour has made me an optimist.

    And can I say how much I’d like to get his press secretary to speak at a retreat I will be attending. “How to further destroy your candidate while bullying and insulting people who have access to barrels of ink” might be an excellent topic.

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  7. I am reminded of that wonderful scene from Dr. Strangelove
    when they utter the line: “Gentlemen. You can’t fight in here. This is the War Room!”

    There is video:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAeqVGP-GPM

    I understand Mitt was bitterly disappointed to hear that the Dr. was a fictional character and not available for employment by the campaign – just kidding – I think….

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  8. Well, that’s a perfect example of Willard’s “charm offensive tour.” No charm; all offensive. Gorka seems to be the appropriate press secretary for him.

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  9. Don A in Pennsyltucky says:

    Does anyone else get the impression that the Rmoney campaign is getting a mite touchy? (I would have said testy but some people might misinterpret that.)

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  10. daChipster says:

    Deb: War Room – you beat me to it!

    When I was dating my first wife, I brought a VCR over to their very Baptist house so we could watch a movie (I forget which) but it had some cursing in it. The whole family was watching, which included her siblings from 10 to 16. Her father, who was – I kid you not – a former Mob guy (long, LONG story) and thus had never bought into the whole Baptist thing, nevertheless was clucking his tongue, or groaning “oh!” every time someone cursed in the movie.

    Finally, he shouted, “Oh, $4!#, another swear!”

    Thirty years later, no one remembers the movie, but we all remember, “Oh, $4!#, another swear!”

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  11. Don A, I would agree, perhaps even escalate.

    When I read this story I thought, poor Gorka, he’s been stressed past his limit on this trip trying to spin-doctor Romney’s gaffes. I would not be surprised if Romney is holding him accountable for what is published about Romney. (Like the scene from Singin’ in the Rain where Lina Lamont points out that in the contract the studio is responsible for all publicity written about her – to her approval.)

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  12. Until recently the Dems had done a brilliant job keeping the focus on the war on women, on immigration, on Romney’s failure to release his taxes–in short, on everything except the jobs and economy issues that some perceive to be Obama’s vulnerability. Now the Dems really should send the Romney team a thank you note for this new focus on Romney’s international gaffes.

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  13. All I want to know….. at this point…. is “are there going to be any debates” between the Democratic nominee (the incumbent, President Barack Obama) and the presumptive Republican nominee……. former Governor Mittens (sorry) Romney???”

    And…. will any of them involve foreign policy?????

    Please!!

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  14. Sgt Mike on Vacation says:

    @MCPO RET: I Love Suffering Springs. When I was youngster, three of my sainted mother’s sisters wound up living there. We spent a week or two there with them every summer until I was about 12 or 13.

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  15. Miemaw, the debate schedule is here: http://www.2012presidentialelectionnews.com/2012-debate-schedule/2012-presidential-debate-schedule/
    There will be four, including one VP debate. The first will be all domestic, the last all foreign. The other two are medleys.
    That’s the plan, anyway, assuming the moderators aren’t the usual idiots.

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  16. Oh how I hate to correct a maestro, but it should be best line evah. I do love you Juanita Jean. It sure has been entertaining to watch Mitt’s European Vacation.

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