Hormones Ahead

April 15, 2015

The CEO of Go Ape Marketing, a woman, took to her Facebook page about Hillary Clinton running for President.  Cheryl Rios of Dallas announced:

Screen Shot 2015-04-15 at 10.12.37 AM“If this happens – I am moving to Canada. There is NO need for her as she is not the right person to run our country – but more importantly a female shouldn’t be president. Let the haters begin . . . but with the hormones we have there is no way we should be able to start a war. Yes I run my own business and I love it and I am great at it BUT that is not the same as being the President, that should be left to a man, a good, strong, honorable man.”

Honey, Honey, Honey, somebody get a dipstick because Cheryl is about a quart low on estrogen.

Okay, first of all, there’s biology.  Unknown to Cheryl is the fact that after a certain age, hormones don’t jack around with women.  In technical terms this is called Oh Thank God I Lived Long Enough To Enjoy This! Syndrome.

I do not know why Cheryl lacks impulse control because of her hormones but the must be some humdinger hormones.

And then predictably, in narcissistic fashion, The National Review says it’s our fault that Cheryl is an idiot, and spanks us for “shaming” her.

Oh hell yeah, I am shaming her.  Shame on you, Cheryl.  Shame, shame, shame.

The National Review can kiss my big blue proudly prissy butt.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

Oh yeah, and don’t let me forget this.  Cheryl wants a “good, strong, honorable man” to be president.  Honey, her party doesn’t have any of those.


Bubba Is Still Trying to Figure This One Out

April 15, 2015

Texas Senator Ted Cruz has got himself an idea.

If you raise $500,000 for him, you get to go to his house and have dinner with Ted and his wife.

I was telling Bubba about it last night and he said, “No, I won’t be participating.”

I replied, “What?  You don’t have an extra 500 grand sitting around?”

“Wait!”  Bubba hollered.  “You mean I have to pay him?  Hell, I though the deal was that he’d pay me $500,000 to come to his house.  Damn.  So, the answer is still no.”

Thanks to Fred for the heads up.


A Lesson to Be Learned

April 15, 2015

Look, if you’re going to be a crook, be a damn crook.  Do not go for the small stuff.  Go big or go home because you’re going to prison whether you steal $500 or $50,000.

San Antonio Criminal Court Judge Angus McGinty is going to the pokey for 2 years after admitting that he accepted bribes.

UnknownI solicited and accepted things of value from Alberto Acevedo, Jr., including vehicle repairs to my two Mercedes Benz, my 1992 Mercedes Benz 300CE and my 2001 Mercedes Benz S430. I accepted these benefits knowing that the purpose behind them was to influence me to exercise my official discretion as judge of the 144th Judicial District Court in favor of Mr. Acevedo and his clients.

A state district judge in Texas earns a base salary from the state of $140,000 a year.  The county can kick in extra.  The total value of the car repairs he took comes to about $6,600.

He’s a 51 year old Republican who will go to prison and lose his law license.  Okay, so that’s one down and a whole mess of them varmints to go.

Thanks to OldMayfly for the heads up.

Fun With Guns: Dillo Edition

April 15, 2015

This should have happened in Texas but it didn’t and that’s a damn shame.

Larry McElroy is 54 years old and decided to shoot his 9mm pistol at an armadillo.  As any schoolchild knows armadillos have a semi-bulletproof vest.

The bullet killed the animal, but also ricocheted off of it, hit a fence, went through the back door of his mother-in-law’s mobile home, through a recliner she was sitting in, and into her back.

And the beauty of this story is that Larry’s mother-in-law is gonna live, but only to remind Larry every damn day of his life about that time when he shot her in the back.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

Kasich kinda wants to be… whatever.

April 14, 2015

By Primo Encarnación

What can we say about John Kasich?   He had an undistinguished career in Congress – slowly rising to become Chairman of the Budget Committee, and gutting financial protections on the way – which he tried to parlay into a 2000 Presidential bid, only to drop out before Iowa because even he found himself to be too dull.

So FAUX News gave him a TV show, which was also found to be too dull, including dull stints guest-hosting on the O’Reilly Factor and Hannity & Cardboard both of which, apparently, needed some dullening.

Then he really catapulted into the 1% of dullness, becoming a managing director at Lehman Brothers, where he and the other managing directors managed to direct Lehman into insolvency, thereby precipitating the Great Recession, while bailing out with parachutes made of gold and hungry children’s tears.

But this was all part of Kasich’s plan. In 2010, he ran for Governor of Ohio on the Dullness platform, blaming Democratic Governor Strickland for the unemployment and recession in Ohio which he himself had paved the way for in Congress and launched off the cliff with the other Lehmmings. It being 2010, the off-est year election ever — well, you know the story.

Then he won re-election last off-year claiming credit for the Obama recovery, the way a rooster with very dull plumage claims credit for the bright dawn. And now, he’s considering a run for President because he wants to bring a “blunt” message to America, which if they elect him, fine! If not, “I’ll play more golf.”

Q: What is a synonym for “blunt”?

A: Tim Pawlenty, warmed over.

Next Stop: Perdition.

April 14, 2015

By Primo Encarnación

It is a well-known fact that I am going to hell. For many, MANY reasons, too numerous, salacious, embarrassing or obvious to mention, I’ve been headed there from an early age. Once, when I was in really big trouble with my mom, my cousin, Jesus Hachecristo, convinced me that “step on a crack” was a real thing, so I stomped on every one I could find between his house and mine.   By the time I got home, I had lost count (Chicago concrete contractors – go figure!) but I was certain she’d be flopping in spine-crushed agony on the floor. Much to my chagrin (and a little to my relief) she was hale, hearty and armed with a switch.

For willfully attempting to paralyze my mother, I’m going to hell. Let’s face it, God, unlike mom, does not mess around with instant karma. He bides his time, he gives you enough rope, and when the time comes…WHAM!  You sin, you pay!  Or, not?

Enter Michele Bachmann, erstwhile Congresswoman. Her concept of God’s justice is also transactional, but in her version, God doesn’t care much about collateral damage, nor relative degrees of guilt.   The right wing nut job God doesn’t blanch at wiping out the entire world in a flood on general principle. He doesn’t scruple at killing a few children in order to wipe out Sodomites and Gomorreans. Just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, associated with the wrong people, God will mess you UP!

Case in point: global warming, droughts, floods, famine, snow, hail, cyclones, sleet, deep cold, unremitting sun and all manner of meteorological disasters are going to hit ALL of us, plus we will lose all our money all due to a single cause: Obama!

(Everyone who saw that coming, raise your hands.)

It is a well-known fact that I’m going to hell, but now that Michele Bachmann has opened my eyes to the true theology of retribution, I’m happy to know that I’m taking you all there with me.

But I still get the front seat on the express train down!