Welcome to Mississippi. Have a Swig of NyQuil.

June 28, 2016 By: Juanita Jean Herownself

Mississippi Republican State Senate President Pro Tem Terry Burton does not have a drinking problem.  He has a breath spray problem.

573a90afcf385.imageHe got his butt arrested last month for his second DUI in two years.  He ran his truck off the road at 10:00 pm after attending a concert.  He killed a stop sign.  They took him to the police station and he blew “drunk.”

He says he had some drinks that morning but that he quit drinking in the afternoon.  You know, because it’s healthier to drink in the morning.

So, here’s his story and he’s sticking to it.

“I had a coughing spell after all the powder and dust blew from the air bags deploying,” Burton said on Friday. “I took some cough syrup. … It was Nyquil, that was all I had in my bag, had nothing else in the vehicle to drink. … I used breath spray because my mouth felt like cotton.

That right there is a pretty good Mississippi story, if you’re drunk when you told it.

Now here’s the best part:  The judge ruled, “Yep, that’s what happened.”

Justice Court Judge Wilbur McCurdy (no, I am not making up these names) ruled that the NyQuil and breath spray caused a false positive on the breath-o-meter.

So, State Senator Terry Burton walked out of the courtroom, stuck some NyQuil in his hip pocket and some breath spray under his cowboy hat, and headed over to the saloon to celebrate.

Well done, Mississippi.

Thanks to AlanInAustin for the heads up.

The New Birtherism: Featherism

June 27, 2016 By: Juanita Jean Herownself

Tea Party parrot Scott Brown, the former Senator from Massachusetts who got his electoral rump handed to him by Elizabeth Warren – she beat him by 8 points, is now running to be Donald Trump’s Veep selection.

220px-SbrownofficialBrown has decided to take a move from Trump’s birtherism playbook.

Brown is demanding that Warren take a DNA test to prove that she is part American Indian.

Dude, she registered the website Pocahontas.com just to jack with your puppet master.   She was born in Oklahoma, you idiot, most everybody in Oklahoma is at least 1/32nd Native American.

Remember, after Warren beat him in 2012, Brown went to New Hampshire and ran against Jeanne Shaheen, where is also got beat.

Okay, read this word in Donald Trump’s voice: Looooser.

Hell, we don’t want a DNA test from him.  We want an IQ test.

 

And I’ll Bring a Dancing Monkey and a Tin Cup, Too.

June 27, 2016 By: Juanita Jean Herownself

Y’all, Mike Huckabee.  Bless his heart.  He just wants you to look at him. Please look at him.

Screen Shot 2016-06-27 at 12.40.30 PMMike Huckabee would speak at next month’s Republican National Convention if Donald Trump asks, the former governor of Arkansas and presidential candidate said Monday.

Huckabee knows that other Republican candidates and party officials are going to skip the convention, but he’d be pleased as punch to come speak to the whole damn stinkin’ world.

You know, come to think of it, that’s exactly what the GOP National Convention needs – a redneck overweight television evangelical hillbilly preacher!  I do believe that’s the only sideshow they haven’t filled yet.

Can his friend Kim Davis come, too?

Bless his heart, he just wants you to look at him.

Thanks to Deb for the heads up.

Way To Go, Supremes

June 27, 2016 By: Juanita Jean Herownself

You know, maybe we don’t need a new Justice.  Maybe just getting rid of Scalia did the trick.

Not only did the court overturn the Texas HB2 attempt restrict abortions, they said a little gun control  isn’t a bad thing —

WASHINGTON—The Supreme Court on Monday declined to loosen restrictions that prevent individuals convicted of misdemeanor counts of domestic violence from owning a gun.

The court, in a 6-2 ruling, was unpersuaded by arguments from two Maine men who said their past convictions weren’t the type that should subject them to a federal ban on firearm possession.

And speaking of Fun With Guns.

 

Screen Shot 2016-06-27 at 11.01.53 AM

The husband of the Sonic manager, Ronald McDonald, got into a fight with one of the employees and gun fire was exchanged.  McDonald got hit and had to be taken to the hospital.  He is expected to live to tell this story.  That’s a real shame.

 

Texas Oh Texas UPDATE!

June 27, 2016 By: Juanita Jean Herownself

Okay, so the Supreme Court wanted to see how Texas’ new highly restrictive abortions law under HB2 is keeping women from having abortions.

Texas had the data months ago.  So, the proper procedure would be to get a big ole envelope, print out the data, put it in the envelope, address it to the Supreme Court of the United Damn States of America, slap some stamps on that sucker and give it to the mailman.

Texas did all except the last.

The data sits in a desk drawer somewhere in the bowels of Greg Abbott’s secret survivalist bunker next to his abridged copy of the Constitution and a stack of the souls of people denied health care in Texas.

… when staffers at the state Department of Health Services finished their work and prepared to release the data, the process stalled after the numbers were submitted to the department’s legal department for final approval, the source said. Internal emails provided to The Texas Tribune show agency workers were then told the numbers were not ready to be released.

Since then, the agency has responded to requests for the numbers from reporters and interested parties by saying they have not been finalized.

Luckily, Texas has a few remaining good guys left who have’t been swallowed up by the religious rantings of white men who have all their religion in their wives’ names.

While the employee did not provide details about the 2014 statistics, the employee indicated there was a drop in every single type of procedure, including a significant drop in medication abortion, a procedure used to end early pregnancies. (Abortion providers have said drug-induced abortions dropped dramatically under HB 2 because of stricter requirements.)

The state of Texas, through its Attorney General, felony-indicted and petty thief Ken Paxton, says we don’t have those numbers for the Supremes to review.

Thelma is taking bets that the numbers will be released the day after the Supreme Court decision.

Because it’s Texas, dammit.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

UPDATE:  Damn, Boys!  It did you not one bit of good to sell your soul to the devil and lie, lie, lie.

The U.S. Supreme Court on Monday struck down one of the nation’s toughest restrictions on abortion, a Texas law that women’s groups said would have forced more than three-quarters of the state’s clinics to shut down.

 

This Is Fun

June 26, 2016 By: Juanita Jean Herownself

What to see Martin O’Malley make mincemeat of Governor Jan Brewer?

Of course you do.

 

 

Remember when your mother said not to make an ugly face because one day your face will stick that way?  Jan Brewer should have listened to her mother.

And you know Martin O’Malley was having a mess of fun baiting her with the shaking finger near the end of the segment.

 

jan-brewer-finger-obama

I might have to watch this clip several times.  Way to go, Martin O’Malley!

Best Line:  “I don’t believe he meant it in the manner that he said it.”