Proof that Tea Parties make you stoopid —-

The sign says that is paid for by the West Fort Bend County Women’s Club PAC.

“No such organization is registered with the Texas Ethics Commission,” Juanita reports.  “If there was such an organization, I would be a member because I fit all the qualifications. I live in the west part of the county and I have ta-tas, which is pretty damn cool if you ask me.  If there was a women’s club, they would want me as a member.  I not only own a dictionary, I can do hair.  I am in high demand.”

“There is, however, a West Fort Bend County REPUBLICAN Women’s PAC and they get the vast majority of their money from male elected officials.  Of course.  Where else do Republican women get money?  They most certainly won’t part with any of their own.”

Republicans are so terrifically proud of this sign that they up it in the window of their headquarters.

“I strongly considered putting a note on the window that said, ‘What Will The Children Think?’ but Thelma said it’s not nice to make fun of ignorant people.”

“They were probably home schooled,” Thelma noted.

“Well, you’d think that maybe they should have listened in Sunday school,” Juanita replied.

When Jesus saw that he had answered wisely, he said to him, “You are not far from the kingdom of God.” And from then on no one dared ask him any more questions.

Yep, that’s it.

It’s Labor Day and the Cracklin’ Truck is here!

Thelma, who is a provisional member of the Belles of Heaven Republican Women’s Club, gets all manner of subversive mail at the beauty salon, which she uses as her permanent address because the mail is not as safe as you’d suspect at her home -  Clyve’s Happy Campers Trailer Park and Adult Movie Rentals.

This one came today.  Now, as is in life, if you click the little one you generally get a big one.

Thelma got a letter from the Second Amendment Foundation, which is located in upscale (okay, at least some kind of scale) Bellevue, Washington.  This address also appears to be something called Merril Associates, a Direct Marketing company, which appears to be some kind of creepy place where they want to shoot something, anything, oh for godsake let me kill something with my gun.

Everything on their website seems to be “coming soon” except for their List Brokering.  So, they sell names and addresses.

The guy who signed the letter is one Mr. Alan M. Gottlieb, a man convicted of tax fraud.  He currently holds the title of Merchant of Fear, which is a title that Juanita Jean should have won instead of Miss Boll Weevil, 1972, because she struck fear in the heart of every blonde baton twitter in a six county area.  But, that’s a whole ‘nother story.

Anyway, Gottlieb appears to be the judge of all things American because his letter included this Juror Ballot, where you can convict numerous people for violating the Second Amendment. (Did I tell you about the click the little one thing?)

And, send money.  Don’t forget to send money.  Lord, this man is tired, tired, tired of clipping coupons for ammo and there’s a gun show in town and he needs money, dammit.  Give him some.  Money.  Twenty buck will help.

He says he needs the money to “pay for legal work in two important cases.”  No kidding, so does Buck Pochek, who had no idea that shooting out streets with a shotgun while driving around nakkid in your deer hunting jeep would be taken so seriously by the Richmond police.

Gottlieb also says he needs “to raise several thousand dollars to print and distribute new books and pamphlets to law libraries, law schools, and hundreds of key federal and state judges.”  And guess who writes these books and pamphlets?  You got it – Gottlieb.

He’s the Jimmy Swaggart of the OK Corral. Damn you almost gotta admire that.

Did you know that… The words “race car” spelled backwards still spells “race car”?

and…

did you also know…

“Eat” is the only word that, if you take the first letter and move it to the last, spells its past tense, “ate”?

and…

And if you rearrange the letters in “so-called Tea Party Republicans,” and add just a few more letters, it spells: “Shut the hell up you free-loading, progress-blocking, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, violent, hypocritical jerks, and deal with the fact that you nearly wrecked the country under Bush and that our president is black.”

Isn’t that interesting?

Thanks to Sugar Land Honey for the great grin!

“I always said,” Juanita begins on this rainy morning with her hairbrush in mid air waving around in circles as she does when trying to call the beauty salon to order, “that there were only two chances that any Republican would debate a Democrat in Texas – slim and none.  And slim is saddling up to leave town.”

According to Harvey Kronberg, the Texas expert in these matters, now the State Board of Education candidates are doing a Moses Rose imitation.

The Greater Austin League of Women Voters was blindsided by Republican Party of Texas Chair Steve Munisteri’s statement earlier this week urging two Republican candidates in State Board of Education races to avoid a long-scheduled LWV candidate forum to be televised on Sept. 28.

Education First, an advocacy group seeking to raise interest in Austin-area SBOE races, was the first to raise the alarm on the potential defection, urging its members last week to contact incumbent Ken Mercer and candidate Marsha Farney to attend the LWV forum.

“Now, lest you think the Republicans had reason to believe the debate wasn’t going to be fair, Kronberg goes on to state –

The debate was to be moderated by Texas Tribune’s Evan Smith and broadcast on KLRU. Smith has a long history of interviewing Republicans such as Rick Perry, David Dewhurst, Karl Rove and others on KLRU without charges of partisanship.

“I know Judy Jennings, the candidate in my  neck of the woods for the school board and she ain’t scared to debate.  Honey, to do right by Texas schoolchildren, Judy would fight a rattlesnake with one arm tied behind her back and give the rattlesnake three bites head start.  Look, if you’re scared to answer a question, you have no business dealing in education.  Good Lord, this ain’t like a pop quiz.  You’re supposed to know the material before you sign up to run.”

“Judy’s opponent, Marsha Farney, whose breath smells like hen feathers right about now, is a far right religious lunatic.  Now, you’d think that somebody who places their faith in God wouldn’t be afraid of a couple of questions from Evan Smith.  It ain’t like this is Valley of the Shadow of Death or a lion’s den or something.  Goodness sakes, Marsha, put on your big girl panties and debate the issues.”

“Maybe we could buy some electric socks for Texas Republican cold feet, huh?  They are as yellow as mustard but without the bite,” Juanita sighs.

Click the little one to get the big one.

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I am probably the last person on the planet to find out about this really cool thing.  I usually am.

You can find out what Glenn Beck has warned us about.

It’s work safe.  Have fun.

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Juanita was standing in the middle of the beauty salon this morning holding a copy of an email that was forwarded to her by David.  David is a good liberal man raising an amazing teenager daughter, so this email got under his skin so badly that he gave Juanita permission to post it on the beauty salon’s website.

“Now, here’s the deal,” Juanita requests.  “I’m gonna print this email from a guy named Joe Palazzo.  Your part is to let Joe know how you feel about his attitude toward First Lady Michelle Obama.  We will let David send this website with your comments to Joe so he will know how popular this is going to make him among the hooter toter gender.”

The picture?  Left to right – Princess Letizia of Spain,  French First Lady Carla Bruni, and American First Lady Michelle Obama.

Joe’s intellectual comment?

That is the kind of ass you get if you’re black and fill it with lobster and caviar.  Notice her forward lean with her tree-swinging arms slightly in front of her hips.  And look at the other two giving her room — they are kinda standing a little to the rear as to not get knocked down in case the black mamba should suddenly turn around to wave at the photographers.

“Okay,” Juanita says, “tell me, Girlfriends, how big is Joe’s winkie?”

Our local Republicans will never win any award for making good yard signs.  First there was Tea Party County Commissioner Andy Meyers and signs for the 2002 election that gained him even the scorn of some in his own party —-

—- which was just damn offensive.

Now, the best they can come up with is this one I saw tonight in front of a local criminal defense lawyer’s office.

“Honest to gosh,” Juanita says, “I had to drive past this sucker three times to figure out what it said at the bottom.  Then I had to stop my car, get out, and climb in a danged ditch to take a picture.  Any pictures from the road weren’t readable at all.”

“So, let’s face it, it’s a poorly designed yard signs.  Too many words.  Goofy font.”

“However, that misses the point.  The point is that the GOP does not, I repeat not, need to be slinging mud in the spending department.  I know they’re all so old that they forget things, but how can anyone forget 8 years of George Bush running this country into debt?”

“I mean, who can forget that other than the old people who sit in their yards and yell at little kids?  I know they forgot it because they’ve overdosed on tea.”

I know this is going to come as an enormous shock to the customers at Juanita’s Beauty Salon, but I have been tapped as the person to tell you that Glenn Beck is liar.

Juanita just can’t bring herself to say his name.  She calls him Buffalo Bob and his fans The Howdy Doodys.  “None of them will ever hurt their backs totin’ their brains,” she suspects.

It appears that Beck lied right there in front of Abe Lincoln, God, and a slew of Doodys.

During his speech, Beck claimed, “I went to the National Archives, and I held the first inaugural address written in his own hand by George Washington.”

Not so much.

It was an eyebrow-raising revelation and certainly an original image: Beck cradling the actual words of the first president. But would the persnickety gatekeepers of the nation’s historical legacy at the National Archives allow some talk show bombthrower to put his mitts on a rare (and fragile) artifact? The answer, it turns out, is no way. Beck was not telling the truth.

Good on America for not trusting Buffalo Bob with the good china, pointy scissors, or Washington’s first inaugural address.

And the Doodys will claim come hell or high water that through divine intervention, Glenn Beck truly was able to hold Washington’s inaugural address and the keys to the magic hot rod in his hands.