Meet Congresstoad Kenny Marchant.   Yeah, Kenny.

CongressToad Kenny

Kenny is scared of immigrants.  He hollers like a little girl at the mention of immigration reform.  In all fairness, there’s a lot about Kenny that is like a little girl so this immigrant thing isn’t surprising.

You wanna know why Kenny thinks immigration reform is real, real scary?

The proposed immigration overhaul “is very unpopular in my district,” said Marchant, who represents suburbs west of Dallas. “The Republican primary voters, they’re being pretty vocal with me on this subject.” Besides, he said, “if you give the legal right to vote to 10 Hispanics in my district, seven to eight of them are going to vote Democrat.”

Yeah, Kenny, and the #1 way to make that happen is to oppose immigration reform.  You know, maybe if you were concerned about the needs of immigrants and welcome them like Jesus told you to do, they would vote for you.

Go on, Kenny, keep whining like a little girl.

Thanks to Brian C for the heads up.

We may storm Austin.  I may need those of you who can get to Austin to come help us on Thursday evening.  I will let you know when we know more.

Meanwhile, we have a flag.

A major gun-rights bill took an unexpected turn Tuesday with a proposal to eliminate the law that requires people receive a permit from their county sheriff before they can buy a handgun.

Yes Dude, that is exactly what we need – more mentally disturbed people and felons with guns.  THAT is exactly what has been missing in North Carolina.

They also want to be able to carry their handguns into bars and other places that serve alcohol, because what’s more fun than a drunk with a pistol?  I mean, it’s not like fights ever break out in bars anyway.

Buck Newton, The Enhancing Man

“We’re here to enhance our Second Amendment rights, which have been too long restricted by the previous majority,” said Sen. Buck Newton, a Republican who represents parts of Johnston, Wilson and Nash counties.

Yeah, let’s do some enhancing!  Let’s let kids carry guns and convicted dope dealers.  Let’s enhance the hell outta North Carolina.

Why limit it to just people – how about monkeys?  Can monkeys have guns?  And no, I am not being tacky by suggesting that Buck Newton has a strong resemblance to most primates.  Okay, maybe a little tacky.

Thanks to David for the heads up.

Texas Congressvarmint (oh yes, Texas) Michael Burgess who represents Denton County north of Dallas, has very strong feelings about abortion.  I do, too.  My strong feelings are that Michael Burgess has no business telling me what I can and cannot do with my uterus.

Burgess has announced that he thinks legislation to ban abortions after 20 weeks of pregnancy is too liberal — he wants the line moved to 15 or 16 weeks.  Do you want to know why?

“Watch a sonogram of a 15-week baby, and they have movements that are purposeful. They stroke their face. If they’re a male baby, they may have their hand between their legs. If they feel pleasure, why is it so hard to think that they could feel pain?”

This dude is an OB/GYN and he does not even know that a 15 week fetus doesn’t even have a developed central nervous system.  Y’all, this guy sitting around intently watching sonograms for signs of fetal masturbation is sick.  Somebody please get him a subscription to the Playboy channel before he totally creeps me out.

Okay, so it’s only male fetuses who touch their stuff?  Females don’t do that?  Dude, I’ve got some real bad news for you about your wife.  That vibrator ain’t for her sore neck like she told you.

Now I have a question for all you parents out there.  How many of your newborns had purposeful movements?  Hell, mine weren’t all that bright but they zonked their baby rattles on their heads and flailed around like all get out.

No matter what this sick quack says, fetuses don’t tap dance, date their twin sister, or do algebra.

Thanks to all my outraged friends for the heads up.

Not so much in his own feedlot.

Come to find out, the man is triple-dipping the government retirement teat.

$48,807— is from the Judicial Retirement System of Texas. He served on the state Supreme Court from 1991 to 1997.

$10,132 in retirement benefits last year from the Employees Retirement System of Texas because he was Attorney General for three years.

$6,444 retirement distribution from the Texas County and District Retirement System because he was a district court judge for three years.

So, my math ain’t perfect but he gets about $65,000 a year retirement for 12 years of work.  That’s probably better than your average social security retiree.  Probably.

Plus, he makes about $200,000 as a Senator.

So, he’s just scraping by, whining about how everybody is taking money from the government.

The man has no shame.  Lots of leather jackets.  But no shame.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

First, the poor girl leaves alternating stripes of her dress at home and has to make do.

Then she gets a really, really hard question —

Question: “A recent report shows that in 40 percent of American families with children, women are the primary earners, yet they continue to earn less than men. What does this say about society?”

To which she answers —

“I think we can relate this back to education, and how we are … continuing to try to strive to [epic pause] figure out how to create jobs right now. That is the biggest problem. And I think, especially the men are … um … seen as the leaders of this, and so we need to try to figure out how to create educate better so we can solve this problem. Thank you.”

Y’all, look at the poor girl –

Her brains are dripping out her ears.  I mean, big night and she’s dribbling brain matter all over the stage.  You gotta feel bad about that.  When you are so stoopid that your brain gives up and tries to leave, you’re probably better off sticking to Miss Peach Pit Festival and leave the whole Utah thing to somebody whose brain has agreed to stay for the competition.

On the other hand, she was able to get out the phrase “create jobs,” which pretty much qualifies her to run for Congress as a Republican.

The Supreme Court on Monday tossed out a provision in Arizona’s voter registration law that required proof of citizenship.

The 7-2 majority said the state’s voter-approved Proposition 200 interfered with federal law designed to make voter registration easier.

The state called the provision a “sensible precaution” to prevent voter fraud. Civil rights group countered that it added an unconstitutional and burdensome layer of paperwork for tens of thousands of citizens.

So democracy is coming around, huh?  And Republican heads are exploding all over America.

Damn, this is going to be a good day.

Reports say that members of the church were “visibly upset.”

Holy crap, she’s going to grow up to be me.

Visibly upsetting people is my entire goal in life and my greatest joy.

You go girl!

And the beat goes on.

The University of Texas and the Texas Tribune did a little polling last week and scared crap out of every sane person in Texas:  Ted Cruz is now leading Texas Republicans back to the future.

The good news is that Rick Perry is in fourth place.  The bad news is that Texas Republicans have found 3 men crazier but more likeable than Rick Perry.

In what has got to hurt Attorney General Greg Abbott a whole lot is that Rick Perry is still beating him 45 – 19 % in the GOP Gubernatorial primary.  Greg has spent more money than landing on Boardwalk with a hotel to deface my Facebook page with his anti-Obama ads.  Apparently, defacing Democrats’ Facebook pages is not as an effective campaign tool as first suspected.

Ted Cruz for President.  Really?  They do know that he doesn’t have an American birth certificate, right?

Thanks to Alacrity Fitzhughe for the heads up.