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Tom DeLay is back on the news and nothing could make Juanita happier.

“Every time I see him, I am reminded why I don’t miss him,” she says.  Juanita lives within spitting distance of Tom’s house, something she takes full advantage of every chance she gets.

“A couple of years ago , when a waiter in Jack Abramoff’s Washington DeeCee restaurant kindly asked Tom not to smoke his big nasty cigar in the restaurant because it was against  laws passed by the federal government, DeLay replied with a smirk, ‘I AM the federal government.’  So, being called arrogant by Tom DeLay is like being called prissy by …. well, Tom DeLay.”

“I think what they’re doing wrong is because of arrogance,” former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, R-Texas, said of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-California, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nevada, in an interview that aired Sunday on CNN’s State of the Union.”

“So, it’s Sunday and we’re in the middle of a recession and a health care crisis and the best Candy Crowley could do was Tom DeLay?  What, was Paris Hilton busy this morning?”

“Tom DeLay pointing the arrogance finger.  If that don’t just beat all,” she shakes her head.

“Honey, that whole interview was just a circus looking for big top.”  She means it.  Yes, she does.

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“Okay, so I know that no one is shocked about this,” Juanita say while Thelma reads aloud from the Internet.

On top of an appearance on the Tonight Show and rumors that she’s shopping around a TV show with reality producer Mark Burnett, Palin and her entourage were seen partaking in one of celebrity’s lushest rituals — the Oscar gifting suite.

While the group was loading up on freebies, the Los Angeles Times reported.

The Times also indicated that Palin was supposed to donate $1,700 along with all of her gift items to the Red Cross, which is currently helping with relief efforts in Haiti and Chile.

But E! Online insists, “we can assure you she did not give up any of her swag.” They quote an unnamed vendor who claims that upwards of 20 people from the Palin camp swarmed the event. “They were like locusts,” he told the entertainment news outlet.

“Locusts.  Now they know how John McCain felt,” she laughed.

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“It’s not that I don’t expect much good to come out of the health care summit, but … whoa, what am I saying?  I expect nothing good to come out of it,”  Juanita says arriving late to the salon this morning.

Thelma had opened the doors and made coffee and now she stands waiting for Juanita so she can say, “if I’m expected to unlock the door and make coffee, I need a raise.”  And Juanita will reply, “Thelma Sue Frontage, I pay you to do nothing else the whole rest of the day every day.  Talk to the hairbrush, girl.”  It happens every morning.

Juanita stayed up late last night reading this stuff.

Washington, D.C. – On the eve of President Obama’s health care reform summit, Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW) released data showing that since 2005, health care special interests have invested at least $28 million in the campaigns of House and Senate leaders, chairs and ranking members of committees with primary jurisdiction over health care legislation. Additionally, President Obama received over $18.6 million during his presidential campaign.

“All of them,” she reports, “every single stinkin’ one of them.  And that explains why the majority of the American people want single payer but we won’t get it.”

“It is my belief that at the end of  this summit and the only it’ll be good for is crabbait,” she predicts.  “I truly hope someone has the courage to prove me wrong.”

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Juanita thinks that Republican elected officials have cornered the market on all the fun.

“Governor Jim Gibbons of Nevada is having so much fun that he forgets who he’s doing the wild thing with currently and or even that she’s standing right beside him,” Juanita reports.  “So, he has to admit he lied on camera about taking the current Miss Cutie Pie on official state trips with him.  The current Miss Cutie Pie had to hide in an airport bathroom while all this was going on.”

“Now, Honey, I ain’t no Oprah, but I think that if your boyfriend leaves you to fend for yourself in an airport bathroom and refers to you as his ’security’, you need a new boyfriend.”

Mark another one in the “Got It” column under Juanita’s name.

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Juanita has two questions:

1.  Given the size of Dick Cheney’s heart, how could an attack be anything but mild?

2.  Shouldn’t they have taken him to Big Bubba’s Transmission and Fender Repair instead of a hospital?  Isn’t Big Bubba more likely to have the proper equipment?

Just asking?

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I’ve heard Ron Paul speak more times that I care to admit.  So has Juanita.

“He’s missing a rudder or something,” Juanita opines.  “He starts off sounding like a normal human person, but then he wanders off into very strange lonely places.  He starts saying stuff like ‘no taxes, freedom, hate the IRS, it’s MY money, personal freedom, group freedom, pickle relish, your granny’s undies, trig function, War of 1812, soft socks…..’ and all the teabaggers in the room think to themselves, ‘he’s not nuts; he’s just deep and smarter than me’ because they are accustomed to being the dumbest person in the room.”

“So, anyway, Ron Paul has a personal grudge.  He’s riled up and hacked off.  He has found a new enemy of America, and thank God it ain’t me,” she says with tremendous relief.

“Ron Paul is furious at Woodrow Wilson.   You know, the dead guy.  I mean, if I have to pick somebody to be mad at, it’s gonna be a dead guy,” Juanita assures us.  “I’ve got to go with him on that one.  I mean, what dead guy is gonna be able to argue with you?”

While nearly every speaker at this week’s Conservative Political Action Conference has railed against President Barack Obama, Rep. Ron Paul saved his heavy fire for another Democratic president: Woodrow Wilson.

Yes, Wilson, who left the White House in 1921 and died in 1924.

The Gulf Coast congressman, famous as an anti-government icon, raked Wilson over the coals for pursuing the League of Nations, promoting fiscal irresponsibility and attacking personal freedoms. He charged that Wilson’s failures are playing a strong role in many of America’s current problems, and he even stoked the crowd when they starting booing Wilson’s name.

Juanita just wanted y’all to know about this in case Ron Paul’s people start showing up at rallys with pictures of Woodrow Wilson with a little Hitler mustache and you have absolutely no idea what that means.  Not that you would understand anything at all at a teabagger rally anyway, because they’re talking about soft socks and pickle relish and the rest of us have moved on to this century and reality.

Verdelia says she thinks everything is Plato’s fault.  “He made thinkin’ popular and look where that’s got us,” she says.

She does have a point, you know.

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