It’s spring and the RNC’s heart turns to thoughts of —-

The Republican National Committee sent a fundraising mail piece earlier this month with a return number that leads to a phone-sex line offering “live, one-on-one talk with a nasty girl who will do anything you want for just  $2.99 per minute.”

At the bottom of a piece designed to resemble a census form, a toll-free number is listed next to the national party’s address.

A voter in Minnesota received the mailer and called the number intending to complain about the attempt to raise money with a form that looks like a government document.

But the Minnesotan was instead directed to a second toll-free number that greets callers as “sexy guy” before offering them the chance to talk with “real local students, housewives and working girls from all over the country.”

Working girls, huh?

Well, they got that part right.

(Thanks to Deb and Kathy for the heads-up)

Brian just gave me the best news of the day.

You know the crazy maniac who shouted “Baby Killer!” at Bart Stupak?

Abilene’s own Randy Neugebauer, of The Yachting Neugebauers Fame.

Dandy Randy used campaign funds to buy himself a yacht, which is kinda odd being as how Abilene  is in the middle of the desert.  I doubt he was planning on Noah’s flood because he docked that yacht, and a swanky one it is, in Washington Dee Cee.

Abilene, Texas, houses Dyes Air Force Base, where I have seen Airmen living in substandard housing, while Randy let lobbyists buy him a stinkin’ yacht.

I ain’t telling Juanita today.  I’m going to tell her tomorrow after we’ve already packed her pick-up for a road trip.  We’re going to include  little “Cap’n Randy is a Jerk!” sailor caps for her to give away.

Cap’n Randy, of the USS Little Winkie, says he shouted Baby Killer in the heat of the moment.  Honey, there’s no telling what Juanita will shout when she gets heated.

Do you know what is not quite, but almost, better than getting health care for 32 million Americans and helping close the  prescription drug loophole on Medicare?

“Watching the hang dog Republicans suck on bitter, that’s what!” Juanita exclaims.

“All morning long, I have distinctly heard the sound of an empty cup being banged on a high chair tray, over and over, and over…..”

“I saw John Cornyn on teevee this morning saying that it ain’t over yet.  Well, that might be true if John thinks that a pile of dumb can stop a freight train,” Juanita chuckles.  “And trust me on this, John can supply all that dumb on his own.”

“Then there’s John McCain whimpering that he’s ‘repulsed by all the euphoria‘ over the bill’s passage.  Damn, this is a man who was not repulsed by Sara Palin being unable to name the three branches of government, but is almost merrily repulsed by people not dropping dead because they can’t get health care.  Can get get an adjustment on his Repulse-o-Meter?”

“I was watching the debate yesterday when that creepy Michele Bachman was rattling on in that voice of hers that sounds like a teaspoon in the garbage disposal about how Barack Obama is setting up interment camps with Janet Reno’s black helicopters and little alien children from Kenya or something, when my phone rings and Bev Carter, publisher of the Fort Bend Star newspaper, doesn’t even bother with hellos.  She just shouts out, ‘Doesn’t that Michele Bachman just make you want to upchuck?’”

“Yep.”

“And those of us raised in the Southern Baptist church did not miss the subtext of the GOP’s new website – Fire Pelosi.  They are not going to wait for Armageddon, dammit.”

The site also asks you to “Tweet firebomb” – a sort of version of spamming your friends – using the hashtag #FirePelosi to try to gain growing support for the movement.

“I’m kinda enjoying this.  And they’ll owe us more, too, because when they give themselves heart attacks, we’ll give them health care.  I’ll betcha a pair of pink boots that that’ll piss them off even more!”

Juanita says that you should hug a Republican today for entertaining us so much!

UPDATED:  My friend Kary sent a better graphic —

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“It’s like trying to eat pinto beans with a pitch fork,” Juanita commented to no one in particular this morning while reading the newspaper.

“Trying to get Karl Rove to admit that he or George Bush ever made a mistake is like trying to dodge rice at wedding,” she amplifies on the subject.

“Lookie here —-

As he launches his book-promotion tour, Karl Rove has sought to deflect and deny responsibility for a host of problems that bedeviled the Bush years. A lot of it is complicated — weapons of mass destruction, the CIA leak scandal — and Rove is adept at navigating thickets of information to invoke plausible deniability. But sometimes, a single question can reveal a lot. Such was the case today on NBC’s Today show where Matt Lauer quizzed Rove on why the White House was so slow to respond to Katrina.

MR. LAUER: You also write in the book, “We did not have the ability to get real-time information, so did not realize the initial reports we were getting were wrong.”
This is the president of the United States.

MR. ROVE: Sure.

MR. LAUER: Did anyone at the White House turn on the TV?

“I suspect that Rove thinks people will forget about teevee after Armageddon when he is sitting at the right hand of God, tossing all you heathens in the pits of hell while laughing uproariously.”

By you, we think Juanita means YOU.  That’s just a guess, though.

7

Juanita is pretty sure it’s the Seventh Sign.  “If three uncowboys come riding up on white horses, get the hell outta Dodge,” she warns.

Juanita agrees with Ken Starr.

Liz Cheney has been under fire from both left and right after she tried to paint Department of Justice attorneys as terrorist sympathizers for working on the defense of Guantanamo detainees. One of the sternest rebukes comes from a law school dean, former judge, and well-known former special prosecutor.

“Good Lord,” Juanita comments to all within listening distance, “she’s her Dad with extra boobs, and she’s damned and determined to marginalize anyone who loves the Old Constitution.  You know, the one before her Dad shredded it and wrote a new one.”

“In honor of her being a real witch, nobody gets big blonde hair today,” Juanita announces.

8

Tom DeLay is back on the news and nothing could make Juanita happier.

“Every time I see him, I am reminded why I don’t miss him,” she says.  Juanita lives within spitting distance of Tom’s house, something she takes full advantage of every chance she gets.

“A couple of years ago , when a waiter in Jack Abramoff’s Washington DeeCee restaurant kindly asked Tom not to smoke his big nasty cigar in the restaurant because it was against  laws passed by the federal government, DeLay replied with a smirk, ‘I AM the federal government.’  So, being called arrogant by Tom DeLay is like being called prissy by …. well, Tom DeLay.”

“I think what they’re doing wrong is because of arrogance,” former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, R-Texas, said of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-California, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nevada, in an interview that aired Sunday on CNN’s State of the Union.”

“So, it’s Sunday and we’re in the middle of a recession and a health care crisis and the best Candy Crowley could do was Tom DeLay?  What, was Paris Hilton busy this morning?”

“Tom DeLay pointing the arrogance finger.  If that don’t just beat all,” she shakes her head.

“Honey, that whole interview was just a circus looking for big top.”  She means it.  Yes, she does.

“Okay, so I know that no one is shocked about this,” Juanita say while Thelma reads aloud from the Internet.

On top of an appearance on the Tonight Show and rumors that she’s shopping around a TV show with reality producer Mark Burnett, Palin and her entourage were seen partaking in one of celebrity’s lushest rituals — the Oscar gifting suite.

While the group was loading up on freebies, the Los Angeles Times reported.

The Times also indicated that Palin was supposed to donate $1,700 along with all of her gift items to the Red Cross, which is currently helping with relief efforts in Haiti and Chile.

But E! Online insists, “we can assure you she did not give up any of her swag.” They quote an unnamed vendor who claims that upwards of 20 people from the Palin camp swarmed the event. “They were like locusts,” he told the entertainment news outlet.

“Locusts.  Now they know how John McCain felt,” she laughed.

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Thelma had opened the doors and made coffee and now she stands waiting for Juanita so she can say, “if I’m expected to unlock the door and make coffee, I need a raise.”  And Juanita will reply, “Thelma Sue Frontage, I pay you to do nothing else the whole rest of the day every day.  Talk to the hairbrush, girl.”  It happens every morning.

Juanita stayed up late last night reading this stuff.

Washington, D.C. – On the eve of President Obama’s health care reform summit, Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW) released data showing that since 2005, health care special interests have invested at least $28 million in the campaigns of House and Senate leaders, chairs and ranking members of committees with primary jurisdiction over health care legislation. Additionally, President Obama received over $18.6 million during his presidential campaign.

“All of them,” she reports, “every single stinkin’ one of them.  And that explains why the majority of the American people want single payer but we won’t get it.”

“It is my belief that at the end of  this summit and the only it’ll be good for is crabbait,” she predicts.  “I truly hope someone has the courage to prove me wrong.”

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“Governor Jim Gibbons of Nevada is having so much fun that he forgets who he’s doing the wild thing with currently and or even that she’s standing right beside him,” Juanita reports.  “So, he has to admit he lied on camera about taking the current Miss Cutie Pie on official state trips with him.  The current Miss Cutie Pie had to hide in an airport bathroom while all this was going on.”

“Now, Honey, I ain’t no Oprah, but I think that if your boyfriend leaves you to fend for yourself in an airport bathroom and refers to you as his ’security’, you need a new boyfriend.”

Mark another one in the “Got It” column under Juanita’s name.

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