Archive for the ‘Local Stuff’

What Was She Thinking?

March 12, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Local Stuff

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It appears that our sheriff Milton Wright has given the kiss of death to our first chance at a female District Attorney in this county.

Nina Schaefer got Sheriff Milton Wright to endorse her in the Republican primary run-off.

“Good Lord, something is wrong with that woman’s thinking mechanism,” Juanita announces this morning while adjusting a wayward pink bra strap.  “Getting Milton Wright to endorse you is like tying a rock around your waist and jumping overboard.”

“Honey, Nina would have been off getting the fourth floor female inmate Freekin’ Bound for Hell Quilting Society to endorse her.  Those women work more and gossip less than the sheriff does.  They even have cooler tattoos than he does.”

“Well, since his last two endorsed candidates got beat so badly that their grandchildren will be born shaking, I suspect he’s going for the perfect threesome. ”

“Is Healey going to win now?” she asks.

“Does a cat have climbing gear,” everyone answers in unison.

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Y’all, I Gotta Apologize To The Sheriff

March 04, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Local Stuff, Uncategorized

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Juanita is prepared to apologize to the sheriff.  She lied in public about him

Under legal advice from her attorney, Jackson P. “Hub Caps” Frontage, Juanita wrote the following apology and put it on the front door.

Dear Sheriff Milton Wright,

I apologize for calling you goofy.  I apologize for saying that you couldn’t get 20% of the vote out if your accordion depended on it and that you lost the race for a guy running for DA.  That was incorrect and rude of me.

After doing some research, I have discovered that your attempt to be kingmaker did not  involve just the DA’s race.  No, sireee.

It also involved the County Court at Law race, you doofus.

My friend Hal reminded me that you also endorsed Rick Forlano for county court at law.  He got a whopping 37% of the vote, giving him the distinction of coming in 3rd in a two man race.

So, I sincerely apologize for underestimating your skills at being a political piranha.

Why don’t you just hire somebody to kneecap your favorite candidates next time?  That seems like it would be a little kinder to them.

Love and Fried Okra,
Juanita

P.S. Verdelia wants to know if we could pay you to endorse all the Republicans in November and what might such services cost.  She’s setting up a donation jar for it.


Long Live the Kings

March 03, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Local Stuff, Uncategorized

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Juanita is pleased, for the most part, with the election results yesterday.

But, there is one thing that she has been delighting in and laughing about.  She came stumbling in late this morning, wiping little sleep balls from the corner of her eyes.

“There were two white male elected officials who wanted to be kingmakers,” she begins as she pours coffee and settles down at the appointment table to see what miracles she has to perform with hair today, “and both of them ended up with enough egg on their faces to have a breakfast platter named after them at Denny’s.”

“One was a Republican and the other was a Democrat.  They both wanted to be kingmakers on the west side of the county.”

“Republican Sheriff Milton Wright, God love him, thought he could personally name the next district attorney on the sheer force of being a white male and having a gun,” she starts.

“Milton pours all his amazing political skills  into electing his good buddy, Richard Raymond.  Milton personally strutted the guy around town, wrote political ads for him, and stood in front of the polls on election day,” Juanita recounts.

“It was a three person race and Richard Raymond came in fourth,” Juanita hoots.  “No kidding, he was so far behind the pack that he had to take out an ad in the newspaper for somebody to come find him.”

“This morning, the poor guy has to unzip his pants to see out,”  she grins, “and Milton Wright has to face the fact that his name and his reputation are good for about 20% of the vote.  Good Lord, Honey, my name is dirt and I can russle up 25%, which means that Milton Wright has as much political clout as lockjaw.”

“So, all Milton’s bravado about electing his chief deputy the next sheriff in two years  might want to get re-thought or the chief deputy might want to take some night classes because it’s beginning to look like the sheriff has the coattails of a 6 year old girl, which is to say diddle squat.”

The other wannabe kingmaker is Richard Morrison.

“Well, Richard caught a bad case of ‘commissioner disease’ and started thinking he was all that, a keg of beer, and a funny hat,” she grins.

“He wanted to be the Democratic kingmaker of his cowboy fiefdom but wandered off somewhere between A and B and let his ego override his butt,” she explains.  “He bull headedly supported all the incumbents in an election where people wanted change.”

“He supported Dora Olivo in spite of the fact that she had never done squat for another Democrat or that she’s been a waste of good air for eight years.  But Dora is real good at one thing – feeding people’s egos.  I mean, if she could find professional employment at that, she’d get rich.”

Juanita continues, “So instead of getting the ethics reform he promised or the road widen that he was all gung-ho about, Richard spent time adoring Dora.  You might as well talk Egyptian to a pack mule as try to reason with Richard.”

“Richard sat on his hands for the county chair race because a weak county chair means more power for Richard.  He was a complete nincompoop about it and even his friends will likely remember that he’s worthless as a barrel full of feathers when it’s crunch time.”

“So, all in all it was a pretty good election,” Juanita concludes.  “I got to see old white men learn that just because they’re crowing doesn’t mean it’s daylight.”

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Election Day Fun

March 02, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Local Stuff

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“Every election season I get into a fight with a Catholic priest,” Juanita reports after a day on the campaign trail standing in front of polls for her favorite candidates.

“I have no idea why Catholic priests and I do not get along,” she begins.  “Oh wait, no, I do know – I have a uterus and refuse to feel real bad about it.”

“This afternoon, long about 4:00, I went to Manford Williams elementary school on Highway 762 to see how voting was going,” she begins to tell her story.  “Lo and behold, I see a man with a Dora Olivo sign – you know, my State rep who opposes a woman’s right to choice and stem cell research but favors racism – and this man is wearing a Dora Olivo tee-shirt with a clerical collar in clear and plain view.”

“He is either a priest or impersonating a priest.  Either way, I’m hacked-off.  Plenty.  So I pull out my trusty little Nikon and start taking pictures.  He immediately holds the sign in his face.  I ask him to move it down and this is the best I got from him —

“So, I keep shooting and keeps keeps covering up, ashamed like Adam when God found him munching on a apple in the garden of Eden,” Juanita is getting wound up.

“Father,” I say, “be proud of who you are!”

“There wasn’t any proud to be found,” she says, “except for me when I got home and found one good shot where you can see the edge of his collar .”

“If you know this man, please let me know if he’s a priest out campaigning or a jerk impersonating a priest,” Juanita asks.  “Either way, I’d keep my little boys away from him.”

And she has one other charming and delightful story to tell.

“Long about 2:30, I was in Missouri City at a poll there.  You’ve heard me talk about my candidate for county chair, Steve Brown, running against the incumbent county chair, who I have long contended holds the land speed record for damn lazy.”

“Seriously, the woman has done diddle squat for Democrats.”

“So I was shocked when I pulled up to a poll and saw a man out campaigning for her,” Juanita says.  “He also has a car in the parking lot covered with Elaine Bishop signs.”

“I had to walk by the car to get to my handing-out spot.  Lo and hold – again! – I could not help but notice that the backseat of the car was filled with unplanted yardsigns. ”

She continues, “Son of a motherless goat!  I figured those were Steve Brown signs that some goofball had stolen from yards.  Day-um, I was hot.  There was gonna be blood, and if it was mine, that was fine but there was gonna be blood over this.  I was riled up and ready to …..”

“Whoa, wait,” she stops.  “Those are Elaine Bishop signs.”

“Look careful around the reflection and you’ll see the metal stakes of about 50 Elaine Bishop yardsigns in the back of a supporter’s car at 2:30 on election day.  Baby, she don’t have but about 25 yardsigns up all over the county and all the rest of her entire campaign is in a supporter’s backseat.”

“I stood there and laughed.  I called people over to see it, including her opponent, who was there working the crowd.”

Juanita sums it up, “Elaine raised a total of $200 for a county wide race, having just one contributor.  She bought pushcards.  I suspect she has at 90 % of them in her purse.  Her yardsigns are still in a backseat at 2:30 on election day.  But, Honey, that’s how she ran every Democratic effort  for the past 6 years.  That is more than she did for Barack Obama.”

“I want to tell you one thing.  If we lose to a finely oiled political machine like that, I quit. I quit politics.  The fix is in.”

UPDATE! Dora Olivo got her clocked cleaned tonight by my friend Ron Reynolds – proving that racism doesn’t motivate Democratic voters.  And, Elaine Bishop can use her yardsigns for kindling because she sure won’t be needing them for anything else.  Lazy looses.

By the way, of course I’m gloating.  I worked hard for it and I earned it.

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Like Stink on Garbage

March 01, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Local Stuff

It’s election time here, and if you think that local Democrats are the only ones fighting tooth and nail, you’d be sadly mistaken.

“The best part about the GOP in-fighting is that two of the biggest goofball elected officials the GOP owns are the ones stomping the gas pedal on a Toyota going downhill pulling a wagonload of rocks,” Juanita reports from the scene.

“It’s Looneytunes time,” she continues with delight.  “Both newspapers agree that Sheriff Milton Wright’s entrance into the District Attorney’s race hurt his favored candidate more than it helped him.  Milton wrote a letter and published it as an ad in local paper.  You can see it right here.  Problem is – the letter made things worse.”

“First of all, folks looking for family values would look to Milton and his Boys pretty much at the bottom of the pile.  Milton has entertained a lady friend for years and years and everybody knows it,” she says.  “Plus, his chief deputy left his wife for a much younger and pregnant model who was working for him.  If you want someone to testify about your family value, you might do better check the gutters outside the local honky tonk.”

“Second off, his argument that his buddy Richard Raymond doesn’t need criminal law experience to be district attorney kinda makes me nervous.  I mean, I don’t go to a podiatrist to have heart surgery.  I think the sheriff should have just left that one alone,” Juanita surmises.

“But, he can’t.  Cause he’s goofy.”

“And then, just to keep Milton from hogging all the stoopid, County Judge Bob Hebert has to jump in this election time glee club,” she grins.

“Boss Hog Hebert is defending a fellow county commissioner’s shenanigans under the heading of, ‘Hell, I told him to do it!'”

“Hebert, who proves that money can’t buy happiness but it can buy a college degree, uses all of his double digit IQ points to make his fellow Republican on the court look like a total idiot,” she continues while spraying the hell outta Verdelia’s freshly teased  do.

“Trust me, Babe, commissioners do not need help to look like idiots.  They are pretty much experts at it all on their own.”

“So, it is the day before the election, and the old white men Republicans are throwing words at each other,” she laughs.  “So, what’s new?”

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Welcoming Karl Rove to a State Rep Race

February 27, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Local Stuff

Some things are just hard to believe.

Why, for example, would a incumbent Hispanic female running as a Democrat for the State Lege take a nice looking young man like this —

And turn him into this on a political mailer that covers a whole 8 by 11 inch inch page?

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I guess she couldn’t find a picture of Willie Horton.

The African American candidate had a civil judgment against him.

We are used to Republicans doing this to Barack Obama, but to see one Democrat do it against another Democrat on the eve of the election makes me go to the bathroom and make strange biological sounds.

If she wins, I will post a list of her major endorsers with their phone numbers so you can call and ask them if they approve of crapola like this.

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UPDATE: And she’s taking Republican money to do this.  Check out the last-minute donation from Bob Perry’s PAC , Hillco, to pay for this mailer.

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