“They say there’s 12 of them now,” Juanita announces while making coffee this morning.  “I’ll put up our one against all 12 of theirs.”

She’s talking about the 12 GOP Presidential hopefuls meeting in New Orleans.

“And why would they pick New Orleans?  To remind us of what a gosh-awful job they did there?  To visit some bawdy houses?  To get drunk and nakkid?” Juanita thinks they are up to no good.

At the Conservative Political Action Conference in February, Republicans dedicated hours of the event to promising to “kill” the health care bill. Now that it’s passed and Democrats are enjoying an uptick in popularity, it’s going to be time to refocus on a new line of attack. It’s also possible there will be either a refinement of the “repeal” message, or that that conference will showcase Republican divisions on the topic.

“I personally think the Republican lovefest in New Orleans is being fueled by a big burst of damned if I know,” Juanita suggests.

“One other thing,” Juanita grins, “don’t they know that fluffy rich white boys are scarce in new Orleans?  I think they are parachuting into a live volcano.”

I imagine we’ll get Aunt Wanda Lynn to get a ringside seat for this thing,” she promises, “and she’ll let us know which of these perfectly silly fools takes the cake.”

One word:  Teabonics.

(Safe for Work)

That is all.  It is enough.

UPDATE: Kary sent us another one —

Hey, babe, it’s spelled The Libruls and we’re also stealing your Marks-A-Lot and your poster board.

Who wouldda thunk it?  Juanita s perfectly delighted with the Tea Party people today, after she read this —

Contrary to historical trends, the Houston Chronicle notes one of the toughest challenges facing U.S. Census officials is “not from counting the traditionally undercounted groups such as African-Americans and Latinos. Instead, a new and growing threat to an accurate national head count is coming from anti-government conservatives who may not fill out their forms to protest against ‘Big Brother’ in Washington.”

In Texas, some of the counties with the lowest census return rates are among the state’s most Republican, including Briscoe County in the Panhandle, 8 percent; King County, near Lubbock, 5 percent; Culberson County, near El Paso, 11 percent; and Newton County, in deep East Texas, 18 percent. Most other counties near the bottom of the list are heavily Hispanic counties along the Texas-Mexico border.

“Oh yes,” she whoops, “ten years after Tom DeLay tried to marginalize the Democratic Party by gerrymandering Texas to his liking, his co-hearts are going to reverse the tables by shooting themselves in the foot.”

It could not happen to a more deserving bunch of people.

“And, all the old white people don’t forget, sending in your census is the first step to indoctrinating your grandchildren to be transgendered tattooed welfare queens who smoke dope and vote Democratic.  Don’t take that risk,” she warns.

o

Juanita has a standing offer of a free haircut, style, or perm to Rachel Maddow any time she happens to be in town.

Juanita believes that Rachel Maddow is smartest person on television.  Maybe ever.  “She ought to be doing Meet The Press,” Juanita suggests to whoever it is who decides these things.

Well, Rachel took the cake and the icing this morning when people in Massachusetts woke up with a full page ad from Rachel explaining that Scott Brown is a jerk.  Big.  Ole.  Jerk.

It appears that Scott Brown is mailing himself around the country in a letter claiming that Rachel Maddow is running against him for Senate and that people should give him gobs of their hard earned money because, well dammit, Rachel Maddow is practically a communist.  He just made that up out of thin air. All of it.

“And, God love her, she challenged him on it,” Juanita grins.  “She patted him on  his little pointy head and gently steered him back to the reality section of the bookstore.  Go read it.”

Yep, Rachel Maddow is welcome at this place any time she wants to drop by.  We’ll even buy her a cup of coffee and send Thelma out to get her a kolache.

o

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The Texas Board of Education finally made it big time – they were on The Daily Show last night.

If you didn’t know that republicans are creepy people who did not listen in high school, you know it now that the Texas School Board is in session.

“Good Lord,” Juanita sighs, “the Texas Board of Education is living proof that just because somebody has banana-breath doesn’t mean they are Tarzan.” Andy Borowitz takes his shot today.  Explaining the changes to our history books, including excluding Thomas Jefferson, Andy says he got a press release about it  —-

The one-sentence statement reads as follows: “If you were the state responsible for George W. Bush being elected President, you’d throw out your history books, too.”

Y’all, my personal state school board member is so nuts that even the nuts think she’s nuts. Her name is Cynthia Dunbar and she’s more bitter than gar broth. Please help me replace her with Dr. Judy Jennings, a smart, gorgeous, sane woman.  If you can help her, even a little bit like $5.00 will help, go chip in or mail her a check by clicking right here.  Judy has a great chance of winning but we need every dollar bill cash American money we can get.

Go show some love and tell her that Juanita sent you.  She won’t even make fun of you for it.

p

You knew she wasn’t going to be able to stay quiet about it.

She decided to be the last to weigh-in on the Texas School Board.  She knew it was going to get dumber.  It, of course, did.

McLeroy wanted “to focus just on the enlightenment folks,” he said. “The enlightenment, the way I understand it, are the ones like Montesquieu, Locke, Hobbes, all those folks. And Jefferson was in another generation. The founders were building on the enlightenment.”

McLeroy said he wanted students to learn that the French Revolution was built on different ideals than the American Revolution.

“In the Americas,” he said, “it had a different basis. I’m not the scholar that can just pop those things out, I just have my general impressions.”

“I am not a hairdresser who can just pop these hairdos out,” Juanita says, “I just have my general impressions of what to cut next and that’s why your new do looks like crap.”

Thomas Jefferson has been removed from Texas school books because he wasn’t a Christian.  We also cannot discuss the enlightenment because that just might make little children think for themselves.  It didn’t stop there.

“Everything was about Religion. There was one [amendment] that said Battle of San Jacinto gave religious freedom. And one lady in the audience came up to me later and said ‘religious freedom? That’s when the Texas Rangers began hanging the Hispanics.

And to prove Juanita’s theory that conservatives are far too obsessed with s-e-x to be having a healthy s-e-x life of their very own —-

A discussion over gender roles was even more puzzling. The current curriculum asks students to examine how the traditional roles of men and women had changed since the 1950’s. But the seven staunch conservatives on the board said the feared the text would promote trans-sexualism and sex change operations.

“Yes, siree, if we explain that women in the same job as a man make 80% as much money, Little Johnnie will rush right out to have his winkie removed so he, too, can charmingly  make less money,” Juanita laments.

“Honey, they’ve cornered the market on cornpone,” she sighs.

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The Houston Republican Party is fighting.  But, they’ve taken it out of the streets and on to Facebook, where it belongs.

A local Republican Party debate over whether to abide a range of views on abortion and homosexuality has flared up as voters prepare to elect a county chairman in a runoff election next month.

County Judge Ed Emmett sparred with conservative activist Terry Lowry on Facebook over whether people Lowry described as “pro-choice/pro-homosexual” should be allowed to serve as precinct chairs, the party’s grass-roots organizers.

“The spirit of the devil wants to divide the Harris County Republican Party,” Lowry wrote on his page, and charged that GOP liberals seek to remove the party’s anti-abortion platform plank.

“Holy Mackerel, it’s that Spirit of the Devil thing!  The devil got the keys to the front doors of the GOP,” Thelma warns.  Thelma is a provisional member of the Belles of Heaven Republican Women’s Club.

“I”m going over to Facebook to pray right now,” Thelma announces and parks her unpetite butt at the computer.

“Thelma,” Juanita shouted across the room.  “Last week you told me that Facebook was the devil.”

“We had a cleansing,” Thelma admitted.  “So now it’s safe for Republicans to fight there.  Thank you, Jeeeesuh.”

“I love Facebook,” Thelma announces, “but, like a good Republican, it’s people I hate.”

o

Most of you know about the local connection we have here in Fort Bend County with the two little nincompoops who ran the ACORN sting and then couldn’t get themselves into a bigger mess if they had been teaching two year olds how to fingerpaint.

Juanita took personal delight that the girl who so convincingly played the hooker in the ACORN pseudo-scam is the granddaughter of Terese Raia, the self-righteous Christian Coalition sex-obsessed (she’s against it) woman who is our State Republican Executive Committeewoman.

Well, it appears that Miss Giles didn’t get near enough attention or make near enough money, even though she had to drop out of college to handle all the media frenzy.

So, Miss Giles decided to portray a different kind of prostitute – the political kind.

The pink paper in her letter begging people to send her money for nothing more than having made a public fool of herself a year ago, got to Juanita.

So, she decided to reply –

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It’s about clean air.  Juanita contends there is a vacuum of leadership in the pro dirty air caucus.  That’s why industry has to pay people to say that dirty air is good.

The Texas Commission on Environmental Quality has worked hard to earn its reputation as a lazy watchdog. But last Wednesday the agency outdid itself, performing an astounding feat of determined laxity: The three-member board voted to allow LyondellBasell Industries, Houston’s largest refinery and one of the nation’s largest emitters of benzene, to renew its 10-year state pollution permit — and to do so without the muss and fuss of a public hearing. Never mind that the city of Houston had pleaded for that hearing.

“We are proud of our thick and hazy air here in petrochemical capital of Texas.  It gives everything sort of a  yellow hue, and hazy, like they do with those Glamour Shots photos.  It makes us all look better,” she says, “with the exception of red eyes and noses that leak.  Hey, there’s a downside to everything!”

“So, when do I get my check?  I did my pro-dirty air duty, now I want my check, too,” she announces.

4

Sure ’nuff, there it was.

Just thought you’d want to know that they do exist.

I am getting a tad nervous because the latest Rasumussem poll has Perry widening the lead with 48%, Kay has 27, and Medina has 16.

If there’s not a runoff, Juanita is gonna be in a foul mood for long time.