by Primo Encarnación
My cousin, Jesus Hachecristo, had been looking into the sovereign citizen movement because he heard that he could get out of a traffic ticket if he just filed the right papers with the court. This intrigued me, because I am a law-abiding citizen, except when it comes to the road, that Darwinian jungle. Just for future reference, if you’re driving in the state of Ohio, the left lane belongs to me by right of conquest. I’m not sayin’; I’m just sayin’.
But it turns out there’s a lot more to this movement than meets the eye: not only can you free yourself from the tyranny of tyrannical tyrants as a sovereign citizen, you can also tap into millions of dollars that already belong to you! Or, more accurately, to YOU.
You see, you are not YOU. YOU is the name on your birth certificate, or your drivers license, or on every piece of paper the IRS sends to you. Check it out, I’ll wait. Notice how your name is in all capital letters? That’s YOU. YOU was created on the day you were born, and a trust fund valued somewhere between $600,000 and $20 million has been appropriated by the government in YOUR name as some sort of shell corporation for you. I didn’t quite grok the reason they did that, and the discrepancy between the low and high payouts has to do with which sovereign citizen you talk too, but they are all 100% sure it’s there, and they are all 100% sure that even if it belongs to YOU, you can get your hands on it.
The government can do this because the country was founded on common law, but was secretly switched over to admiralty law, either during the Civil War, or more probably, during FDR’s term when sovereign citizens think we went off the gold standard, which actually happened under Nixon. You can tell we are under admiralty law because the decorative gold fringe on many US flags is actually an indication of our bondage to the naval nation.
At this point of the lesson, I stopped Jesus and asked him if he’d been chugging home-made mescal. The whole thing sounded like a disjointed bunch of conspiracy mcnuggets, but he assured me he was sober, and as my auto insurance is way too high, I let him go on.
Which I immediately regretted, because it seems that the only way to tap into these things is by some not-yet-discovered Kabbalistic mish mosh of the right phraseology, the right paper, the right punctuation, the right ink, the right citations, the inspissated blood of a patriot and a twist of lime. In fact, the more he went on, the more it sounded like somebody decided that alchemy was passé (especially now that we’re off the gold standard) and that the true money-making magic could only be unlocked by a quasi-Constitutional incantation, splitting yourself in half so that the true you can play Bird Hall Putsch in wintry wildlife sanctuaries, while corporation shell YOU still has to foot the bill or be keelhauled under the secret maritime law of evil America.
It’s Hogwarts for people who want free money and no responsibility.
And this is why you can’t reason with the Cliven and Ammon Bundy’s of this world. There IS no negotiation which can result in them recognizing the authority of the country in which they live because they are not citizens of that country, they are citizens of themselves. Therefore, they expect to make money as ranchers without paying for grazing rights on federal property at a 90% discount from private fees. They can only achieve their God-promised success if the government GIVES them stuff. But they don’t believe in government handouts, so the government must therefore have STOLEN the giveaways in the first place.
In the end, Jesus recognized the futility of a belief system based on a stuck CapsLock key and a decorative fringe. But for the now-dead LaVoy Finicum, whose government handout ended when they took away the herd of foster kids he turned to when that cattle thing wasn’t working out, that realization never came. Or maybe it did, and that’s why he chose suicide by cop.