Archive for December, 2015

Thank You For Bush-‘splainin’ It.

December 31, 2015 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

I have a little note stuck to the top of my desk to remind me of something.  It says “Jeb! = The smart one.”

I have to have that note because otherwise I’d forget.

Jeb Bush.JPGJeb! was in South Carolina yesterday and was introduced to the audience by Republican State Senator Katrina Shealy.

He wanted to thank Ms. Shealy for the nice introduction, so he said to the audience …

“You should be honored to have her as your elected official. I hope you agree with that. That should be your nickname. In the Bush family, we always give out nicknames. Yours is now Hurricane Katrina.”

And Jeb’s! is now Dumbbutt.

Thanks to Bryan for the heads up.

Please Visit Our Customer Service Department With Your Complaint

December 31, 2015 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

Okay, so Donald trump ain’t scared of no global warming or climate change.

But what is he scared of?

Taking away his hairspray!  His hairspray!

“You can’t use hair spray because hair spray is going to affect the ozone,” Trump said, speaking at a rally in Hilton Head Island, South Carolina.

“Let’s see, I’m in my room in New York City and I want to put on a little spray, right? Right?” he continued as the crowd laughed in approval. “But I hear where they don’t want me to use hair spray. They want me to use the pump!”

Trump acted out using a pump. He said “bing, bing, bing” as he got the imaginary lotion out.

“And then it comes out in big globs, right, and it’s stuck in your hair. And you say, ‘Oh, my God, I got to take a shower again, my hair’s all screwed up.’ Right?” Trump asked. “I want to use hair spray. They say, ‘Don’t use hair spray, it’s bad for the ozone.'”

He continued: “So I’m sitting in this concealed apartment, this concealed — I really do live in a very nice apartment, right? — but it’s sealed! It’s beautiful. I don’t think anything gets out. And I’m not supposed to be using hair spray.”

I did not make that up.  He’s an angry man about hairspray.

Wait a second.  Donald Trump has hair?

Thanks to Brian for the heads up.

Of Course He’s From Texas

December 31, 2015 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

I know it’s as frustrating as a Rubic’s cube when your computer doesn’t work and you have no idea how to fix it so you call a repairman and he doesn’t either.

But, damn, y’all.

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Okay, so this guy is named Joe Condello, who is the former Legislative Director for Texas Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison.  He called a tech to his house to fix his computer.  The tech said the computer needed a new part and he’d go fetch it at the store.  That’s when all hell broke loose.

Mondello told the tech ”you’re not leaving this house until the computer is fixed” — a feat that would be difficult to accomplish without the needed parts.  That’s when [he] decided a Second Amendment Solution was in order. He left the room and returned with a what appeared to be a gun, telling the tech:

”I’m going to kill you slowly.”

All the yelling brought his wife to the room, who stood between her husband and the tech so the tech could escape.

Now, I have great sympathy for people who get frustrated because the damn cowboy-forsaken computer machine won’t work.  However, I have found that threatening to kill the tech rarely increases their efficiency.

Come to find out, it was a toy gun.  The intention, however, was real as rain.

Now in case you’re wondering who calls a tech to their house instead of taking it in to the repair shop, I have an answer for that  — people who do not want other people to know what’s on their computer no matter what.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

I Love Yew, Texas

December 30, 2015 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

In the category of “Who’s Will Be Done,” we have this entry for the Only in Texas Championship.

William Peterson is a Republican running against incumbent Republican for the Texas 23rd congressional district.  The Texas 23rd runs from just outside of El Paso to San Antonio to Eagle Pass, which makes it the same exact size as hell.

Peterson decided he needed a campaign committee.  So, he got himself one.  Click the little one to see the big one.


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Since the FEC requires that the name of the candidate must appear in the name of the campaign committee, that can only mean one thing for Democrat Pete Gallego: he’s running not just against God, but GOD.

We kinda suspect that Peterson is gonna claim that the Will after GOD’S is, indeed, his first name, but that Vote GOD’S Peterson just didn’t sound right.

And the story just gets better.  Peterson appeared on Marfa Public Radio last week, using the name Billy Hart, which makes me think that maybe “Vote God’s Hart” might have been a better way to go, but then I’m not a professional at this stuff.

Peterson/Hart told the radio …

Hart, who is a newcomer to Marfa, has lived in Alvin, Texas, near Houston, and in San Antonio. He’s worked on political campaigns in the past (Tom DeLay and Steve Stockman), but hasn’t before been a candidate himself.

There ya go.

He’s certainly learned how to dress from Stockman.  Here’ Mr. Hart/Peterson in his campaigning clothes.



Come on, you gotta admit that Texas is a great place to be in politics.

Thanks to Alfredo over at the Dairy Queen for the heads up.

Thought You Hated Rick Perry to the Max? Hell, You’re Not Even Close.

December 29, 2015 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

Get a large load of this poop.

pension-shocker-rick-perry-is-double-dipping-into-the-texas-state-coffersThe Republican [Perry] doled out tens of thousands of dollars in bonuses for top aides in his last weeks in office, including $137,205 on a single day the month before leaving – more than he gave in the previous four years combined, and more than almost any other outgoing American governor gave in 2014, records show. The aides all left with Perry, and soon after, one joined a political group promoting his 2016 bid.

But there is plenty of poop to spread around.

Texas officials increasingly are taking advantage of loose rules to hand out big bonuses just before leaving office, or to well-paid aides who themselves are on the way out, even though the money is supposed to be used in part to retain staff, a Houston Chronicle examination has found.

State officials have spent nearly $50 million over the past decade on bonuses for departing employees and often have not justified the gifts as required by law, the review found.

Do you want to know why I quoted all that instead of just telling you?  Because you wouldn’t the hell have believed me.

He gave 16 in December 2014, his last month in office, including $12,700 for his budget director, Kate McGrath, who had gotten a $7,000 one-time gift nine months earlier; $8,900 for his legislative director, Ken Armbrister, who made a $180,000 annual salary; and $13,500 for his chief of staff, Kathy Walt, who had a $270,000 salary and later joined the political group promoting his campaign, RickPAC.

That’s MY money, you damn nincompoop.

But what snaps my velcro is that he wasn’t the only state Republican “conservative” doing it.

Overall, the state spent $355 million on bonuses between September 2005 and September 2015, including $259 million on so-called “one-time merit payments” that are subject to almost no rules and are not audited.

Damn, y’all.

Not one penny of that money went to the people who earned it at the bottom of the pay scale. It all went to people making six figures to begin with.

So, that happened today.


Professionally Speaking

December 29, 2015 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

Speaking as hair professional, I’d just like to observe that Donald Trump now has a rival in the Worst Hairdo Covering Something Up category.


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And I will be disappointed if Enrique Peña Nieto doesn’t call Donald Trump and strongly request that he keep his criminals in his own damn country.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.