By Primo Encarnación y Hachecristo

There is an Hachecristo cousin who shall remain nameless, but he’s no one you’ve met yet. Within la familia there have been many whispered “Do you think he’s…?” But, unlike the US of A under our peerless leader, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” is alive and well among the Hachecristo’s, as is the concept of 1 man + 1 woman = 1 marriage.

You would be correct in assuming that we are all very Democratic and more-or-less liberal. You don’t grow up off-white in this country and not be, unless there’s something wrong with your heart, brain or courage.   The older generation suffered the Depression, and celebrated the social justice of the New Deal, and achieved middle class status thanks to the unions. However, they also grew up and got married hearing the Mass in Latin, which contrary to Teapopulist belief is not what Latinos speak at home.

So out of deference to the oldsters, we leave a lot of the RuPaul recaps at the doorstep before going in for dinner on Easter or Mother’s Day. And the divorcees among us walk a little small, too.

Justice Kennedy, who in all respects looks like he may side with liberal half of the court on gay marriage, is, like our parents, DEAD wrong in one respect: 1 man + 1 woman has not been around for millennia. Like most of the other large mammals, thanks be to Darwin, the concept within the species has been 1 male MULTIPLE females, for the space of a single breeding season. And the biggest, strongest, fastest or smartest male, the one able to outmaneuver, outthink or outfight the previous alpha male, is the one who gets to get “married” 3 or 8 or 19 times, depending on the size of the tribe, pride, or herd.

Out of this biological imperative grew our concept of chief, leader, king and emperor. Politics came about, and continues to this day, as a great way to get laid.

As in so many other things, marriage was for a long time a one-way deal, invented by men to subjugate women as property, and to ensure that the male heir to the man’s other property was indeed his own: that he has not been cuckolded with a cuckoo’s egg hatchling set to inherit his stuff.

Sacramental marriage for “love” is a fairly recent development, within the last few centuries: formerly, political concerns were, again, driving the wedding of peers and the begetting of heirs much more than “love.” Even poor brides were required to submit to the droits de seigneur – her maidenhead belonged to the lord of the manor to take, or bestow. Plural marriage is still practiced as a Christian religious imperative (or as television entertainment) inside the United States to this day. Arranged marriages are also still celebrated in America today, within several sub-cultures.

For millennia, then, marriage has actually been about male power, property and privilege. No wonder the Right Wing Nutjobs want to maintain “traditional” definitions.

In the sweepstakes of crazy in Texas, we need to stop everything and stand in awe of this one.

Remember yesterday when I told you about the weird drunk people in Bastrop being convinced that the United States Military was sending 60 soldiers, two Humvees and a helicopter to Texas to incarcerate everyone Just! Like! Hitler! and we all thought that was nuts?

The Governor did not.  No, sireeeee, Governor Abbott huffed him up and gave credence to those crazybutt fears.

Several of you in the comments section posted Governor Greg Abbott’s letter assuring Texans that he had everything under control.

“It is important that Texans know their safety, constitutional rights, private property rights and civil liberties will not be infringed,” Abbott wrote. “By monitoring the Operation on a continual basis, the State Guard will facilitate communications between my office and the commanders of the Operation to ensure that adequate measures are in place to protect Texans.”

Do you know what the Texas Guard is?  It’s not the Texas National Guard.  It’s just the Texas Guard.  It’s like the Boy Scouts except with no adult supervision.

Remember the old sheriff we had here who often tied his shoelaces together?  He was the head of the Texas Guard here and his mistress was the Lt. Col.  I am not making that up.  Just ask anybody.

The Texas Guard is for people too old or too chicken to join the real military.  They are for civil help only, like cleaning up after a hurricane.  Here’s what they get paid.  They do not get to carry guns, even if they have one.

When part of your pay is a free hunting and fishing license and a waiver of some toll road fees, it’s not likely you’ll get to join the VFW.

I cannot for the life of me find the qualifications to join but knowing a few local guardsmen I can assure you that literacy is not one of them.  Hell, the Bi-Polar Rollers Bowling team over at Lucky Lonnie’s Bowling Alley has stricter qualifications to join.

So we’ve got Cletus and Billy Bob with the Texas Guard sleuthing around nosing in official United States military business and informing the Governor if the real military does something suspicious.  I know I’ll sleep better at night.

Thanks, Gov, for making it worse.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

And just in case you’re not Facebook friends with Willie, this morning he posted this sign about Austin housing prices.

And my personal favorite …

Happy Birthday, Willie.  You’re the damn best.

I told you that this presidential season is gonna be fun.

Donald Trump is lighting up my life, y’all.

Donald Trump, at a campaign event in New Hampshire, touted his building expertise to show how he’ll tackle border security and immigration reform, the Washington Post reports.

Said Trump: “I will build the best wall, the biggest, the strongest, not penetrable, they won’t be crawling over it, like giving it a little jump and they’re over the wall, it costs us trillions. And I’ll have Mexico pay for the wall. Because Mexico is screwing us so badly. I will take it from out of just a small fraction of the money they’ve been screwing us for over the last number of years.”

The man is foreign policy genius.

But, no, no, no, no…. he is not finished yet.

“I will disclose my records. I will disclose everything. And I tell you what: People will be very, very, impressed.”

But if he drops his drawers, not so much.

I considered putting a picture of Trump with this post but damn, it’s early in the morning.  I just can’t do that to myself.

Thanks to Craig for the heads up.

Hey, you gotta love it when an old white guy decides to run for President as a “Democratic Socialist.”

Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders will announce his plans to seek the Democratic nomination for president on Thursday, presenting a liberal challenge to Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Sanders, an independent who describes himself as a “democratic socialist,” will follow a formal statement with a major campaign kickoff in his home state in several weeks. Two people familiar with his announcement spoke to The Associated Press under condition of anonymity to describe internal planning.

Because of certain Friends in High Places (Hi Carol!), I am the proud owner of more Bernie Sanders swag than anyone else in Texas.

I think it’s a good thing for Democrats and for America to have a contested primary, specially one who talks like this:

I love yew, Texas.

If you haven’t heard, there’s going to be a large military exercise around the country from July 15th to September 15th.  It’s called Jade Helm 15 because all military trainings have names and that one wasn’t taken, I suppose.  Texas has five counties involved and the rightwing is damn sure that it means Obama is taking over and gonna put all them in a concentration camp Just! Like! Hitler!

So one of the Texas counties is Bastrop.  Bastrop is between here and Austin.  There’s some strange people living there.

After the county judge gave the military permission to hold some of these trainings in Bastrop, the citizenry went beeeeserk.

Lt. Col. Mark Lastoria answered questions for two hours from a crowd of more than 150 people at a special meeting of the Bastrop County Commissioners, hoping to allay locals’ concerns that the training operation is a way for the federal government to take over Texas and much of the Southwest. Instead, Lastoria was told that he couldn’t be trusted and was asked whether Jade Helm 15 will involve bringing foreign fighters from the Islamic State to Texas, whether U.S. troops will confiscate Texans’ guns and whether the Army intends to implement martial law through the exercise. (The answer for all three was no.)

One of the Bastrop residents insisted that the army was there to “gather intelligence” from the citizenry.  Honey, if that was their mission, they would not be in Bastrop because there ain’t none there.

Cowboy!  Think about it.  If the military wanted to take over, they would not ask your permission first.  They would just do it because I do not care a hill of beans how many guns you have, they have tanks.  And bombers.  And stuff you have never even heard of.  It’s probably already in your front yard but you can’t see it because it’s covered in cammo.

Fort Hood, the most populous military base in the whole damn world, is an hour and half away by tank.  Giant Dyess Air Base is 15 minutes away by B1 Bomber.  There are 60 soldiers coming to Bastrop with Jade Helm 15.  Sixty.  I can see why this would upset your daily routine.

Here’s the plan:  The rightwing should stay at home sitting by their radios listening for instructions during Jade Helm while the rest of us applaud our military for sweating in Texas so they won’t bleed on the battlefield.

The rightwing makes me crazy.