Archive for March, 2012

When You’re a Jet You’re a Jet All the Way

March 29, 2012 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

David sent us this picture from the Dallas Morning News this morning.  It’s Louie Gohmert getting ready to rumble!  And he brought his posse!

There’s Louie, beating up on old women.  You know, like Jesus taught.

You know, here’s my theory:  if you’re a member of Congress and have a government health care plan, you should turn it down to prove your ideals.  Louie, you should be first.

Well, Now I’m Really Confused

March 29, 2012 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

At Raw Story.

Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum on Wednesday told a young man not to use a pink ball at a bowling alley in Wisconsin.

“You’re not gonna use the pink ball. We’re not gonna let you do that. Not on camera,” he said, according to Reuters reporter Sam Youngman.

“Friends don’t let friends use pink balls,” he added.

That’s odd.  All this time I thought Santorum had pink balls.  Guess that kinda explains why he’s not using them.

Thanks to Brian for the heads up.

Uh, I Don’t Know How It Works In The Mormon Church, But The Godfather Thing Doesn’t Work This Way in Mine

March 28, 2012 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

“I can tell you one thing. If I’m the godfather of this thing, then it gives me the right to kill it.”

— Mitt Romney, in an interview with Hugh Hewitt, on President Obama’s health care law.

And maybe it’s time to reassess that.

President Barack Obama holds a double-digit lead over GOP presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum in hypothetical general election matchups, according to a new poll.

Thanks to David for the heads-up.

Hey, At Least You Didn’t Make Them Snake-Handle

March 28, 2012 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

Okay, this is way too weird.

To teach his young parishioners about religious persecution, the minister at the inappropriately named Glad Tidings Assembly of God, had them kidnapped.  At damn gunpoint.

The Minister

Teenagers at the Glad Tidings Assembly of God Church in Middletown, Pa., were surprised when they attended a youth group meeting at the church on March 21 and were ambushed by what seemed to be real kidnappers.

Adults, including an off-duty cop, brandished weapons and put bags over the heads of the children, ages 13 through 18, and forced them into a church van. The group was driven to the home of an assistant pastor, who was presented before the group with a seemingly bloodied and bruised face, according to Dauphin County District Attorney Fran Chardo.

One of the adults used a real AK-47, though the gun was unloaded, Chardo said.

Personally, I think they  just wanted to see teenagers wet their pants.

Exactly where in the Bible does it say, “Scare the holly crap out of kids in Jesus’ name, amen.”

The pastor, John Lanza, told the news station that the teens were not let in on the truth “to secure the shock value of it and to make it much more real because those who are threatened don’t have a warning. It was a youth event to illustrate what others have encountered on a regular basis.”

Exactly where are these “others” who have their trusted minister hold a gun in their faces and terrify them?  I wanna know because, dammit, I’m gonna go whip his butt in Thelma’s name.

Thanks to Ralph for the heads-up.

Well, We Probably Need To Alert The Media

March 28, 2012 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

Barack Obama is going to force us all to be homosexuals.

I did not know that.

Apparently it’s true because Mathew Staver, who is a dean at Liberty University Law School  (yeah, well, they’ve never heard of you either), says that homosexuality is going to be forced on us.  Except, I bet he says ho-mo-sex-u-al, you know stretches it out for the full impact like they do here in Texas.

Staver appeared on the conservative Christian radio show Crosstalk last Friday, telling host Jim Schneider that actions by the administration will ultimately result in “in-your-face forced abortion funding, in-your-face forced homosexuality, and in-your-face deconstruction of moral principles.”

Okay, so I admit it kinda sounds like your average frat party to me.

Before you start to thinking that this guy is nuttier than a port-a-potty at a peanut festival, I have some questions.  Do I get to pick my homosexual partner or is that done for me?  I mean, if mine is Michelle Bachmann I’m moving to Russia next week.  This forced homosexuality – are their whips and chains involved?  If so, we probably need somebody to calm down Rick Perry.

Thanks to Brian for the heads-up and the peanut festival line.  It’s a dandy.

Men in Dresses

March 28, 2012 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

The only man in a dress who I trust is RuPaul.  So, the score is RuPaul 1, Catholic Bishops 0.

Oh yeah, the Catholic Bishops, who are totally completely 100% hoochy frustrated males, got on their silly little slippers and thought they could tell me a whole lot of chick stuff.  You know what they know about chick stuff?  Diddle squat.  They know diddle squat.  And, oddly, that is exactly what they pretend to know about pedophiles in their own ranks, but that’s a whole ‘nother story.

Anyway, this story goes like this.  The Catholic Bishops have been hollering that all the rest of us are wildly anti-Catholic and they are busily weaving handbaskets for our trip to hell because we think that when they get federal funds for the victims of human trafficking, and then they give those funds to subcontractors, that the subcontractors ought to be able to talk to these victims about contraception and abortion.  And we’re going to hell for that.  Hell, I tell you.

So the ACLU sues them.  And the judge rightly rules:

To insist that the government respect the separation of church and state is not to discriminate against religion; indeed, it promotes a respect for religion by refusing to single out any creed for official favor at the expense of all others…This case is about the limits of the government’s ability to delegate to a religious institution the right to use taxpayer money to impose its beliefs on others (who may or may not share them).

Your religious rights end where my uterus begins.

You know, my sweet Momma belongs to a religion where drinking alcohol is considered a sin.  Does she try to outlaw alcohol, even though there are more deaths due to alcohol than abortion?  No, she does not. Her religion also believes that bingo is gambling.  If we shut down bingo, the Catholic church would fold tomorrow.

I’m just saying.  I do not believe men in dresses should concern themselves with contraception.   They should concern themselves with accessorizing and what makes their butt look big.   And right now it’s their mouths making their butts look big.

Thanks to Ralph for the heads-up.