Warning: Republicans To Start Sacrificing Virgins
When Republicans start looking for virgins in South Carolina, there can only be one reason: Mayan sacrifice. Rumor has it that there is only one virgin in South Carolina and apparently it’s become very important to find her.
If you been under a rock, you might not have heard that the Laurens County South Carolina GOP has some new rules..
You must favor, and live up to, abstinence before marriage.
You must be faithful to your spouse. Your spouse cannot be a person of the same gender, and you are not allowed to favor any government action that would allow for civil unions of people of the same sex.You cannot now, from the moment you sign this pledge, look at pornography.
Okay, so here’s what I’m wondering. Who is going to be the virgin police? Does it require special training? And, most importantly, can I get some?
I hope they find the virgin soon so everybody else can go back to living normal.
Oh yeah, in case you forgot, South Carolina is home to GOP Governor Mark “Hiking the Appalachian Trail” Sanford. So, they have a lot of room to talk. Or hoochy.
I’m assuming there are going to be a lot of guys sporting “Hymen Inspector” badges.
1Miss Liberty wants to remind folks of the old joke – South Carolina, too small to be a republic, too big to be an insane asylum. At any rate, they will have a very short slate of candidates.
2Does this mean that if Sandra Fluke sends Rush a sex tape he can’t watch it in Carolina?
3BTW, why haven’t we heard of her bringing a libel suit?
Is this their offering to compete with Virginia’s Vaginal Probe exercise in mysogony and bad science?
4Are they going to grandfather in the current members who don’t meet their requirements? And what religion do they have to be? Cuz you know they can’t have any of them Muslins or Mormons or any of those other weird religions.
I dunno, it’s seems like the Republicans just get crazier and crazier. I wish I’d bought stock in popcorn back before this election season began.
5Sounds like a good reason to get rid of your virginity…fast!
6Is it possible to “live up to abstinence before marriage” retroactively? Is this anything like Mormons baptizing dead people like Anne Frank?
As for not looking at pornography, does this also include participating in/producing the creation of said product? What happens if I grow hair on my palm?
7Hey, but remember, these are Republicans. They just got to say it, they don’t gotta really do it.
8Sooooo, will Nikki Haley be leaving her job as governor?
9Uuuummmm . . . . Well, maybe she got grandfathered in.
Don’t blame Mayans for this… South Carolina was full of stupid people long before the Latin Americans started showing up
10So they may get candidates who have not had pre-marital sex or they may get candidates who have, but lie about it.
11Why is the GOP so preoccupied with sex?
At least they are supposed to be compassionate in one area.
12Why are they not demanding that the candidate also be truthful, will not steal and demand and reading and math comprehension test? Would not these things be better suited to a person that wants to hold a public office?
And you thought vaginal probes before an abortion were bad? Wait until they enact mandatory hymen checks at the voting booth.
It will be a little more difficult to check the men but of course these kinds of things aren’t really directed at penis-Americans anyway.
I think Margaret Atwood wrote about this stuff a few years ago.
13And this is the state that voted for Newt in the Republican primaries, eh?
14something is amiss here, even if you factor in Nikki, and Sanford.
I’m married (happily) so I guess the job of “Virgin Tester” is out. There might be a job selling little chicken bladders full of blood to soon-to-be-wed brides.
Since they are going back to the Middle Ages which of the candidates gets the Right of First Night? Hint: Newt is jumping down shouting, “Me, Me, Me.”
15Just in case you’re wondering how they grow ‘em in Laurens, SC, let me introduce you to a couple of good ol’ boys from there.
First, ya gotta know that Laurens was named for a slave trader. Good start.
Next, shake hands with ol’ John Howard, who you might-could call a small business owner. His business is the Redneck Shop, where you can buy Confederate flag anything – including bikinis for the pure gals – and white satin robes for, oh, I dunno, lounging (alone!) about the boudoir? And did I mention the Klan Museum in the back room?
In addition to being “retired” from them night-shirt knights, John also did his civic duty four years ago by hosting at his location a presidential campaign.
Not hosting a candidate.
Not hosting a tea.
Oh, no indeed, the Redneck Shop was the worldwide headquarters for John Taylor Bowles’ campaign for President of the United States. Of America. What kind of party, you ask, would locate its presidential campaign in the KKK Museum in a town named for a slave trader?
You may indeed ask but, really, doesn’t the question answer itself?
Yep, Laurens, SC was the epicenter for the Presidential aspirations of the National Socialist White Peoples Party.
So if there was ever a place where someone was going to implement party rules about purity and guns and such, poor old Laurens, SC – shrine to all the worst -isms in America – was pretty much destined at birth to be ground zero.
16daChipster…Thanks for the back story on Laurens, South Carolina. All I can say is wow! Wow!
17I love my country. But could we all PLEASE JUST GROW UP! People like sex. People have messy private lives. That’s why we call it “private” to begin with.
On the other hand, if we did grow up, the Europeans would have one less thing to laugh at.
And did you hear that Obama had a Tranny Nanny and that he’s a Muslim??? (give me a break!)
18The first time my 6-year old granddaughter asked me where she was from, I couldn’t say “South Carolina” without laughing.
19A picture from the Laurens GOP beauty pageant (family friendly)
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2009/02/12/article-0-05E56B430000044D-248_468×356.jpg
20Sam – reminds me of that old Wendy’s Commercial – “Ees next: Evening vear. Ees next: Svim vear. Veeery niiice.”
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