Archive for March, 2012

Banned in Arizona – Again, Dammit

March 31, 2012 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

Well, it appears that I’m fixing to be banned in Arizona.

Not that I mind all that much myself, but two of my favorite customers – Bud Malone and Gramian – live in Arizona and those two can raise more hell than a teevee evangelist behind closed doors.

Arizona is passing a law making it illegal to be annoying on the internet machine.

Back when I worked at the newspaper I described my job as, “I find out what people are doing and make them stop it.”  Now my job description is “being rude on the internet.”

Personally, I think they’re picking on me.  See for yourself:

“H.B. 2549 would make it a crime to use any electronic or digital device to communicate using obscene, lewd or profane language or to suggest a lewd or lascivious act if done with intent to ‘annoy,’ ‘offend,’ ‘harass’ or ‘terrify,’” the letter notes. … ‘Lewd’ and ‘profane’ are not defined in the statute or by reference. ‘Lewd’ is generally understood to mean lusty or sexual in nature and ‘profane’ is generally defined as disrespectful or irreverent about religion or religious practices.”

Well hell, they might as well shut down the World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc.  We have the exclusive Gulf Coast distributorship of annoying.  And almost every hairdo we suggest is meant to inspire lewd activity.  Shoot, we’ve had women want their money back if we do a hairdo that doesn’t get them some action over at the VFW dance.

And if I cannot be disrespectful or irreverent, then I cannot be.

What the fool tarnation does Arizona have against lusty?  Personally, in my mind the most annoying people on the planet are those who are not lusty.  So now you’ve got a problem, Arizona – annoying or lusty, take your pick but you cannot have both.

You know, you would think that Arizona would be the last place on earth that wants to talk about annoying.

Thanks to Brian for the heads-up.

Are You Kidding Me, Idaho?

March 31, 2012 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

Come to find out, Republicans are not just screwing women with health care, they are damn and determine to screw us at the bank, too.

Butch Otter

Take, for example, Idaho.  Governor Butch Otter (No, I did not make up that name.  I wanted to, but I didn’t.) is paying his female cabinet members 83 percent of what their male counterparts earn.

His excuse?  The economy is bad.

But apparently just for women.

And then there’s the other problem – Republican women themselves.  The only thing standing between them and me and some nasty hair pulling is three Texas statutes and the fact that they have real sticky hair.

Take Nancy Merill, for example —

Merrill is one of eight Cabinet members hired by a board or commission. Otter appoints all the members of those panels and designates whom he considers a Cabinet member.

Merrill, a former mayor of Eagle, said she hadn’t noticed the gender gap and believes Otter is “pleased with the performance of his women” Cabinet members. “He certainly has supported me.”

Merrill added that when she was hired in 2009, she “had to accept hiring of a deputy director for the same pay as I was getting.”

Though she’s the boss, Merrill makes $83,320, the same salary as her male deputy director, Dave Ricks.

“I wanted to work for Idaho State Parks, so I accepted the stipulations attached with the job,” said Merrill. “I do not have an answer as to why women lag so significantly. I believe we are well qualified to perform the same jobs in a professional manner.”

Nancy and Butch

Nancy, Babe, calling you in and patting you on your pretty little head instead of paying you what you earn is not, I repeat NOT, “support.”  It’s demeaning and a slap in the face of your daughter.  And I ought to pull your damn hair for it.

The problem with Republican men is the crap that Republican women let them get away with.

A little boy who used to live in my house came home from second grade one day and announced, “I hate girls.”

“That’s a shame,” I replied, “because one day you might want to marry one.”

He thought carefully for a minute and replied with eyes rolling, “Momma, you marry women.  I like women just fine.  It’s girls I can’t stand.”

It was at that point that I realized that some girls never become women.  They become Republicans instead.

Thanks to Iris for the heads up.

The ONLY Christian. ‘Cuz I Say So.

March 30, 2012 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

There’s a place called Christian News Wire.  Seriously.  And you thought the Super DeLux Brand Christians believed that the internet is a tool of the devil and Jennifer Anniston.  Well, nope.  They have a website.

So, check this news item straight from God.

Does God want Americans to vote for a specific presidential candidate? Pastor Steven Andrew believes so. He says, “Rick Santorum is from God and will win with Christians and Catholics uniting for Santorum.”

He understands some prefer Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich, but believes they can’t be nominated. He says, “Only one Christian is left for President — Santorum.”

The only one?

Pastor Steven Andrew, bless his heart, has to go back all the way to Exodus to justify his statement, which is kinda weird considering that most Christians are partial to the New Testament. But, Pastor Andrew is in the justifying business, so I respect his attempt to … well, justify.

He continues, “Mitt Romney is a Mormon and Barak [sic] Obama is a Muslim or something else-but definitely not a Christian. Romney believes in another Jesus, not the Biblical Jesus.”

Or something else?  What would that be?  Lucifer Hisownself?   Another Jesus?  Cripes, how many others are there?

But, and again I need to say Bless His Heart because this dude is walking around blind in a fog with the lights out, he also believes  that Catholics are not exactly Christians.

Rick Santorum is from God and will win with Christians and Catholics uniting for Santorum.”

But, hell, he’s white and hates women so that’ll do.

Yes, that’ll have to do.

With a Wink and a Nudge

March 30, 2012 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

Two Republican men meet alone in a hotel room and nothing happens.

Mitt Romney on Thursday confirmed that he did meet with Republican presidential rival Newt Gingrich on the eve of the Louisiana primary last week in New Orleans, but the former Massachusetts governor was cagey with the details.

“We’re pretty much in regular communication between the different campaigns and I said hello to Newt,” Romney said on Sean Hannity’s radio show. “Nothing new, nothing exciting except we keep a friendly discourse open.”

Two Republican men.  Hotel room.  Alone.  Nothing happened.

Sure.  Got it.

Thanks to Ralph for the heads-up.

Friday Toon

March 30, 2012 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

Cheaper Than Paying Taxes

March 29, 2012 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

Okay, so here’s the plan.

1. Don’t pay your taxes
2. Give your money to Republicans instead

(Click little one to get the big one.)

3. Everything goes great until …. oops.

Six officials of an Upstate New York firm were arraigned yesterday before Magistrate Judge Leslie G. Foschio.   On March 21, a federal grand jury in the Western District of New York indicted the six defendants, Philip R. DeLuca, Alfred R. LaGreca, Frank A. Fracassi, Michael A. Elia, Laurence A Elia and Richard A. Elia, on tax charges, including conspiring to defraud the Internal Revenue Service (IRS).

And now you know why Republicans hate, hate, hate Eric Holder.  He’s cutting into their little tax scheme payoff.

Yes, I did in fact have lunch at the Dairy Queen with Alfredo today.